As you may have noticed, I have absolutely and completely lost my blogging mojo. You know what happens when you work online all day? You really don’t want to be on the computer at night. Not with two little ones tugging at you to sit on your lap.

The last few months have been busy with a move, job stuff, family health stuff. The usual. I do have some things I want to share with you, though, so I’ll try – ONCE AGAIN – to come back and let you know what’s been happening.

Next week, my oldest boy will be FOUR. And the little one will be ONE. And then it’s Thanksgiving. I swear, where did the year go? The holidays are upon us and I barely got to enjoy the summer! But I am looking forward to seeing family during the holidays, even if I don’t get to take any time off this year (that’s a whole other story, btw).

I also haven’t gotten around to everyone’s blogs like I used to. Terrible bloggy friend, I am. What’s new with you? I miss this space.

So here’s what I’ve been doing with a lot of my time recently. I haven’t used my sewing machine in YEARS, but I finally dug it out, got it serviced, and am USING it. Of course, not for what you’d think. But still. Creating. Learning. Enjoying.

I’ve never made a scrappy journal like this before and I absolutely love it. I don’t think it’ll replace the art journals, but I can see how great this type of journal will be for vacations – collecting little tidbits and memories.

I so enjoyed making it. I hope you enjoy taking a peek. BTW, the video is kinda long. I couldn’t figure out how to make it shorter without skipping pages. And we couldn’t do that now, could we?

My Scrappy Journal from Becky S. on Vimeo.

Surprisingly, there’s one “project” that I haven’t lost momentum on. Art journaling. Yes, I am still at it. In fact, I’m learning even more techniques, reading, and trying to grow. I got a few art journal/ mixed media art books for Christmas (I was saving for a Nook, but decided that some of these books would be more fun) and I’m gobbling them up.

I tend to flit from thing to thing. Sometimes I have great powers of concentration. I can focus on details or the big picture. Or both. But hobbies? I jump around a lot. I get really enthusiastic in the beginning, but it tapers off.

But I’ve written in journals since elementary school. Adding pictures, doodles, paint, collage … it has opened up a new arena of inspiration for me. There are times when I just write because I need a lot of blank paper to get my thoughts out. But other times, I enjoy adding a design element to it.

I really, REALLY enjoy it. I’ve had such a hard time finding things that I like over the last year. I’m still having some trouble finding direction, especially in my career. But at least there’s one little thing that is providing some enjoyment right now.

I’ve been a writer for almost as long as I can remember. If you were to look in the back of my closet, you’d see stacks of notebooks and journals that I’ve filled over the years – and many more waiting for my pen. Since having my son 22 months ago, I haven’t written as much. Mostly I’m too tired. And too busy writing other things that help us make a living. By the end of the night, I’m spent. The words swirl around in my head, but my hands are too tired to record. And my journal sits there, quietly accusing me of neglect.

Will my son wonder why I didn’t write as much after he was born? Will he wonder if I had nothing to say about him? As you can see from many posts on this site, that’s not really true. But who knows if this record will even be around by the time he finds my papers?

I’m not even sure, most of the time, why I write. I feel compelled. It is not something I can ignore. I am me, therefore I must write. I process the things in my head by writing. I quiet the tortures, the demons that swirl around and tell me to worry about the things which I cannot control. I quiet the voices that tell me I’m not good enough, not pretty enough, and too lazy to really accomplish anything of worth.

Lately some of those voices have been louder than my pen.

And I wonder what my future family members will think of the gaps in my journals. Will they be able to put together a picture of my life? Will they find me interesting? Sad? Pathetic? I mostly hope they’ll see me as a complete person. Not just mom. Or grandma (someday, hopefully).

I guess I really want to be known as more than just mom because I’ve been feeling like that is really inadequate lately. After my son was born, I became invisible. I’m no longer an interesting person in my own right. I feel fat. Dumpy. Uninteresting. People look right through me.

So I hope that writing pulls that veil back a little bit. Even if it doesn’t make me visible right now, maybe it will later. Maybe not. I write to leave a record. I was here! I may not leave a big impression on the world, and few people may remember me, but I was HERE dammit. I mattered.

Here I am. The invisible woman. I may not change the world, but I hope I can change my world with my pen. Letter by letter, word by word. (Or should that be Bird by Bird?)

image: cohdra from morguefile.com

Your freelance writing idol? Deb Ng is taking a new approach to choosing her new columnist – American Idol-style. First, she had an open call for auditions, where interested writers toss out their pitches. From there, the top twelve will be chosen. And then, it’s a weekly run-off with the writers submitting entries based on an assigned theme.

So why am I participating? For one, I think I can write twice a week on being a freelance writer. And it sounded like fun. Even if I don’t get it, it forces me to write on an assigned topic. It makes me exercise my writing muscles.

The contest is not supposed to be about who’s the most popular, although I’m sure a few people will vote based on name familiarity. The goal is to find someone who is not only a talented writer, but someone the FWJ community will be able to respect and enjoy reading.

The voting is going on here.

And the entries are here.

Please go take a look, and then vote for what you think is the best entry.

I haven’t been able to get enough sleep over the past week, even with mid-day naps snuggling my sweet boy. Maybe it’s restlessness. Maybe it’s life changes.

Or maybe it’s teething. The boy broke one tooth last week and a second tooth on Monday. He’s really not too grouchy, considering. Just not napping much, running a slight fever until the teeth break, and being a tiny bit whiny. But I know it could be worse.

Like Sunday afternoon, for instance. I think we re-enacted a portion of the exorcist. Baby vomit flying everywhere. You’re welcome.

I felt so sorry for the tyke. Grandma picked him up from his nap, he belched, then spewed. I had been napping (nappus interruptus), but went in the dining room to help. I took the kid, and while Mom cleaned up the floor and table, I cleaned the kid. Of course, just after I got that done, he borked some more.

So, we cleaned up again and this time I changed him. And me (my shirt). It seemed like the worst was over. Oh, famous last words, how you haunt me. As I put the soiled clothes in the laundry, the kid threw up again.

Have you ever had baby vomit run down your arm? It’s quite the experience. I had to scrub my arm. Count yourself lucky if you’ve never smelled spoiled breast milk. It’s awful, especially after it’s been sitting in a baby’s stomach for a couple of hours or so. Mmmmm.

Anyway, that was the last of it. And each time, he was smiling and happy after each incident. It didn’t seem to phase him so much. The next day, I felt a tooth breaking through. And it made a little more sense and I tried to stop worrying so much.

Maybe after all of the stress with my job, a lot of rest was what I needed. I felt an immense sense of relief after finally just saying, “I’m out.” Even though it’s a long road ahead, the decision has been made. And now, I work towards really being a writer. 100% — because that’s what is going to help pay the bills.

Wish me luck.

I just installed the newest version of Wordpress – 2.5. At first, I was a little confused and didn’t know where to find things. But now I’m digging it. It’s a cleaner design and actually easier to use.

I still need to figure out where everything is, but in the long run the simplicity will be a plus. Too many links tends to overwhelm me. So yes, call me crazy, but I think I may like this dashboard better than EE. Maybe it’s because EE is more CM than I need. But I work in all kinds of CMs in my job, so it’s not like it’s intimidating. More like, frustrating to try and find what I need.

I’m a techie, yes, but not when it comes to the more complicated server stuff. I’m just not used to it and it takes me a long time to research something. And there’s lots of trial and error. Right now, I just don’t have time for all of that trial & error. Nor do I have the money to pay someone a few hundred dollars to do it for me, even if it is a business expense. Other priorities right now. Someday, I would love to just pay someone to take care of everything in the background and allow me to just write. Right now, that’s just a line on the wish list (take a number!).