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Making adjustments

Ah, summerI am officially a work-at-home mom. And that still seems weird to say. When people heard I would be leaving my job, they said, “That’s so cool that you can stay home with him!” Yes, but at a price. We can’t afford for me to just stay home. No way that is feasible. So I’m cobbling together clients and projects and things here-and-there in hopes it will keep us afloat.

It’s a big adjustment. I went from doing most of my work in the afternoons to needing them done in the morning. And I don’t think I’m managing it very well. Our routine has normally included the kid and I lying in bed for a while after he wakes up and eats, snoozing, playing, and being a bit quiet. I always had about an hour’s worth of work to do, which was no big deal. I did it while he went back to sleep.

After he wakes up, we go into the living room where he plays in his high chair while I fix some breakfast. And then I try to scarf down my food in between feeding him. That routine usually takes us as late as 10.30 or 11. Then I would work from 1.30 – 4.30, and again after he went to bed. more…

Bad days are inevitable

I found out on Thursday that I am officially out of a job in just a couple of weeks. I knew this was coming, but it just wasn’t concrete. Someone has accepted a job offer and that means my time must come to an end.

I’ve had time to get used to it. Hell, I’m the one that gave notice, right? It’s still tough. I worry about being replaced. What if this person is so much better than me that they wonder why this didn’t happen years ago? And why does that matter to me?

I worry about our finances. That steady income was important to me. I’ve never ventured out on my own because I like to plan. I like stability. I like to know what’s coming financially. Oh, and I like insurance, too.

I worry about having to take way too much work just to bring in the money we need. I’m afraid I’ll actually need to work more than 40 hours to cover our expenses. J has offered to work more hours and find an evening job. If he does that, though, how do I get my work done and still feel like I’m giving the boy the attention he needs? more…

Unblessed silence

I’m rarely at a loss for words. I can – and regularly do – talk your ear off. It may not be anything terribly deep or life-changing, but I can chat with the best of them. I consider my blog a place to chat with ‘teh intarwebs’ and find some common ground with other people.

And I have so much going on in my head I don’t know how to get it out. I go from full-on panic to absolute confidence that everything will work out. I go from certainty that I don’t have enough work to the assurance that I have plenty to keep me busy. Of course, plenty to pay the bills is a whole other story.

I struggle with finding a balance between giving my son enough attention and trying to get some freaking housework done once in a while. And other work, too, of course. The paying work almost always wins.

more…

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heart of devastation

me and my boobahThe honeymoon is almost over. I have to go back to work full-time in about a month. I wasn’t planning this. I wanted to stay part-time so I could be home with my boy. But with budget cuts, there are no funds to find me a part-time position. And the job I have is full-time. Therefore, if I want to keep it, I must work that schedule.

I haven’t been able to stop crying tonight. Just writing that started the waterworks again.

You don’t have to tell me that it’s not the end of the world. My head knows this. But my heart is completely torn asunder. Instead of being away from him a few hours a day, a few days a week, I have to be away from him about 9 hours a day. That is a huge change for me. Someone else is going to get to see him crawl, hear his first words, watch him develop his new skills. Hopefully that will be Daddy most of the time. And that’s great for both of them. But what about me?

This is killing me right now. The guilt, the frustration, the utter anguish. I just have no choice, and that’s the part that gets me. We need the insurance. I have to do this. And I don’t want to. I don’t know how I’m going to do this.

How am I going to do this?

getting back to work, and not wanting to

Monday I go into work for the first time in three months. It seems like so much longer than that. And yet, not long at all. How long it’s been doesn’t matter.

What matters is that I’m a nervous wreck.

I haven’t been away from our boy (soon to be named, “Tank” because Wee One just DOES NOT apply anymore) since he was born. The longest I’ve left him was a run to the store, which I can see from my bedroom window. And on Monday, I’m expected to be away from him for 4 hours. Not 15 minutes. FOUR hours. And I’m beside myself. I start crying every time I think about it. Why?

Because my exclusive time with him is over and from here it’s just more time away and more separation. There will never be this time again. He’ll start depending on me less and before I know it he’ll grow up and move away. And I’m not ready for any of that.

Going back to work isn’t a big deal. Once I get caught up, I can work from home (for a few months, anyway). We need the insurance. So I’ll do what I have to do, because we need the money and the coverage.

But really, it’s what it symbolizes that rips my heart out. The little guy still needs me. I know this. But it still signals the end of something that I’m not ready to face. I have no choice, and I think that’s what hurts the most.

I really have no choice.

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