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what do you say in times like these?

My mom just called to give me a family update. My aunt went to the hospital Sunday with some pain, and they thought it was a heart attack. Instead, they found pancreatic cancer. She underwent surgery last night, but they were unable to remove the tumor because it had attached itself to some blood vessels. And it’s malignant. The doctor rerouted some nerves and other things to make her more comfortable. She may have a year, but it’s probably less than that.

I don’t want to face this. I know it happens. And she’s in her 80s and says she’s ready. But it confronts me with my own parents’ mortality, and that’s the part that really terrifies me. No one wants to think about losing their parents. I don’t. I haven’t had them for nearly enough time. I haven’t known them as an adult and as a parent long enough. I have so much to learn from them.

And if my aunt goes, she’ll be the 2nd of 9. My uncle passed away about ten years ago, so we’ve had the rest of the siblings with us for quite a while. So it’s almost like losing the first one all over again. I have so many conflicting emotions running through me right now. But most of it is just sadness. I don’t know if I’ll get to see her again. And I could have seen her last month, but I didn’t take the time. I should have, because you just never know.

Category: family  Tags: ,  4 Comments

Unblessed silence

I’m rarely at a loss for words. I can – and regularly do – talk your ear off. It may not be anything terribly deep or life-changing, but I can chat with the best of them. I consider my blog a place to chat with ‘teh intarwebs’ and find some common ground with other people.

And I have so much going on in my head I don’t know how to get it out. I go from full-on panic to absolute confidence that everything will work out. I go from certainty that I don’t have enough work to the assurance that I have plenty to keep me busy. Of course, plenty to pay the bills is a whole other story.

I struggle with finding a balance between giving my son enough attention and trying to get some freaking housework done once in a while. And other work, too, of course. The paying work almost always wins.


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