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How do you process something like this, anyway?

If you follow me on Twitter, you saw a lot of posts about the F-18 crash in my neighborhood yesterday.

Let me start by saying that the kiddo and I had left our house about a 1/2 hour before. I wasn’t headed anywhere in particular, just getting out of the house with the boy. Mondays are my day off so it’s perfect for a short jaunt. We wound up meeting my husband at Costco and doing a little last-minute shopping before we head to visit family for the holidays.

When we got back into our cars, we heard the news on the radio. My heart froze for a minute. Would we come back to a home? Maybe that sounds a little melodramatic, but that’s what goes through your head at first when you don’t know exactly what happened nor where. We knew it was our neighborhood, which really isn’t that big.

As we heard more, we figured out it was just down the road a bit. Less than a mile. Really not that far at all, considering the size of San Diego.

More details poured in over the afternoon, and I found myself unable to break away from the news. I needed to know more. Was it someone we knew? A classmate of our daughter? Eventually they started giving the house address. A wave of relief swept over me and then I immediately felt bad.

Some man went to work one day, and before lunch his whole world was gone. Wife, two kids, and the grandmother. The entire house. Instantly gone. No warning. No way of preventing. Just gone.

Let me stop here for a moment. I believe that the pilot truly did everything he could to avoid hitting the homes. He was headed for a canyon, trying to make it there. He stayed in the plane until it was seconds from the ground. What more could he have done? I think he’ll be beating himself up enough as it is. I think the calls for the military to leave Miramar are ridiculous. I don’t feel like saying more on that topic right now.

I cannot imagine losing my whole family in one swoop. It makes me sick just thinking about it. How would you go on? My heart goes out to that poor family. It’s awful.

I couldn’t get to sleep last night for quite a while. I couldn’t get my brain to quiet down, to stop thinking about this. You try to protect your family the best you can. But you can’t control everything. I want to, dammit, but you can’t. And that’s what keeps me awake. The things you absolutely can’t plan for.

I have to distract myself, think about other things like fluffy bunnies and kittens. And puppies. Because if I don’t, I’ll think too much about what I would do if I lost my baby. Or my husband. It could easily drive you crazy. If I lost them both at once, I think you’d have to cart me off to the looney bin. Seriously. I don’t think I could handle it.

So I have to force my mind to other things. Think about what I do have, And remember how fleeting life truly is. It makes all the little irritations just drift away. Because in the end? It’s all just small stuff.

I hug my little boy a little closer, remind myself to be kinder to my husband, and enjoy what we do have. And be extremely freaking grateful for it. Extremely.

Sleep deprived haze

I’ve been burning the candle at both ends. It’s gotten really bad. So bad, that I have a hard time getting up in the morning, even when the baby wakes up and cries.

I can’t sleep when he sleeps, because I need to get things done. Naps are so erratic right now that I need that time to finish up work. And after he goes to bed, more work. Until 12.30 or 1 am. That’s when I’ve been getting to bed.

Something’s got to give. And it can’t be my health, so I am trying to get on a better schedule where I get everything done earlier. I actually managed to get to bed at 10.30 last night. Of course, I couldn’t sleep even though I was exhausted.

How do you shut your mind off?

It doesn’t help that a couple of days ago I had some really bad nightmares, and in every. single. one. i was looking for the baby. Trying to find him. Or protect him. Or catch a plane, train, or bus. Always frantic. And they always ended badly.

Maybe I’ve been watching a little too much NCIS.

It also doesn’t help that I can’t even get out of the house before 2 or 3 in the afternoon most days. Again, in part because I’m just not getting enough sleep.

It’s such a vicious cycle. I hate it. And in order to try and change it, I’m going to bed. Now. Good night!