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getting over the guilt

becky & sonI’m still struggling with the guilt over going back to work full-time. You see, my son has never spent time with anyone other than one of us. Never. He’s been around other people, but one of us has always been there. How am I going to just drop him off with someone at daycare? It all seems so sudden. I guess I should start during this month by dropping him off for a couple of hours just to get him used to it.

And just thinking about walking out the door without my baby? Still terrifies me. It has nothing to do with his wellbeing or safety. It has to do with my issues of letting go. Of not being there for him. I know I won’t always be there for him. But while he’s a baby, I feel I should. I want to. Heck, I need him more than he needs me.

Yesterday, I bought a couple of suits on sale. I’ve been needing to update my wardrobe. Some of my suits are, I’m ashamed to admit, ten years old. But today, buying those suits feels like an act of concession. It feels like I’m giving up. It feels wrong. more…

dealing with mommy guilt

Right now, I am trying to figure out how I can unpack from our time away, clear the other clutter, and get some work done. Without feeling like I’m ignoring the baby. When he’s awake, I want to spend time with him because he’s growing so fast. If I sit him in the bouncy, or lay him on the bed propped up in his boppy, I feel like I should be talking to him or playing with him. It goes by so fast. But I also have things I need to do. Will I kick myself later for not spending enough time with him when I had the chance? Will the things I think are important now not seem so important in retrospect? I have maybe a month and a half (at most) left of leave. Then what?

How do you reconcile these things? Do you ever?

Category: me, me, me, spawn  Tags: , , ,  Comments off