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Still here, still pregnant

We’ve hit the 28 week marker. Time has moved so slowly I thought that I’d never get here. And now it’s third trimester time. Did I hit the uncomfortable stage of things this soon last time? I don’t remember. I’m already having trouble breathing and eating – where’d all the space go? At my last appointment, I was measuring a week ahead already. That prompted my doctor to go ahead and schedule a c-section.

Unfortunately, Thanksgiving gets in the way. And that means dates are limited, especially since I don’t want to go in on my other son’s birthday. I refuse to have two birthdays on the same day if I can avoid it.

So the doctor scheduled it the day after. Sigh. I don’t care about being in the hospital on Thanksgiving. I really don’t. But I am frustrated that I’m limited to two days just before then AND the doc chooses the 23rd. Why couldn’t he schedule it on the 24th and at least give us a day in between?

And don’t get me started on feeling like my choices have been taken away. My original due date was 11/29. But based on conception date, I know that’s early by at least 3 days. I didn’t get a chance to give him those details (and would he listen anyway?). Because of my gestational diabetes, he doesn’t want me to go to my due date. In fact, he apparently doesn’t want me to get too close to that since it’s possible my son will be big.

Let’s face it. i have a big family. I don’t think it has a lot to do with diabetes. We’re just big people. My other son was 9 lbs. 10 oz. My uncle was either 10 or 11 lbs. when he was born. Another uncle, other side of the family, was somewhere in the 6′ 6″ range as an adult. My hubby is 6′ 2″ See? Big people.

If I’m “lucky” I’ll go into labor on my own. But since the c-section is a week early and my last son was late, that’s not looking likely.

I was really angry and upset when I first got the news. Now I just feel resigned to it. The ultimate goal is a healthy baby and mommy, no matter how we get there. I just really hate feeling that my choices are limited. I was really hoping this pregnancy would be different. Instead we’re hearing the same tune just three years later.

And that’s part of why I’ve been avoiding much personal blogging. It all turns into angry rants or whining. And who really cares? It could be much worse. At least I’m not in the hospital on bed rest, unable to work or take care of my son.

One thing I’m dreading is caring for my older son while trying to recover from a c-section. Did I mention that he weighs 44 lbs.? Yeah, there will be no lifting him out of the crib in the mornings. Which is one reason why my husband is pushing to get him a toddler bed – one that he can crawl in & out of. (That still won’t help with diaper changes, though, which we do on our waist-high bed.)

I’m a mess. Have been the entire pregnancy. Worried about money. About how I’ll care for two kids at home by myself. How my older son will react to mommy’s attention going to the wee babe. How I’ll miss this wonderful time with my older son. We are such good buddies. Man, I love that little guy. But I don’t want to write a bunch of anxiety down, lest my younger son someday think he wasn’t wanted. He really is. So much so. But I haven’t done anything to prepare for his arrival — which is now ELEVEN weeks away thanks to the surgery — nor have I taken more than 2 weekly belly pics. Last time? Took a ton. This time? Not many. I wonder how I’ll give both of them adequate attention when I don’t even feel like I give ONE child enough attention (thanks to having to work so many dang hours – another story in itself).

See? Even I don’t want to listen to me anymore. Hence posts about anything or everything except my pregnancy. Or nothing at all.

I suppose I could write about how much I loathe both of my downstairs neighbors right now, BOTH of whom are doing remodeling. I hate it with a burning passion of a thousand fiery suns. Wouldn’t you think it would be, I don’t know, courteous to let your neighbors know that you’ll be starting some noisy remodeling? Especially those that you KNOW have small children? Yeah, none of that. I hate this place. Hence my looking for a 2 BR closer to hubby’s work. But those are way out of our price range. Actually, EVERYTHING is out of our price range. And I feel trapped. Another source of anxiety.

I really hope all of my stress doesn’t affect the wee babe, too much. But it probably has considering that it affects my eating and blood sugar numbers. See? Mommy fail AGAIN. I just want this to be over with so we can go visit my family and decompress for a month or so. Really hoping that helps. I need a break. I need to stop worrying about money, living quarters, my car that’s going to need a lot of work soon, working too hard for too little… I need something. I just wish I knew what it was.

My reality

Recently, it feels like I am such a failure at everything. And when you feel that way, it is so hard to write about it. Since that’s all I’ve been talking about lately anyway, it gets pretty old. And if it’s bugging me, it certainly must not be fun for you to read about.

And yet… it is my reality. All I see are the things I haven’t done. Projects I haven’t finished, things I have failed my son and husband in, my messy house, a stack of books I haven’t read, filing and laundry and dishes to be done…

I used to be (and feel) so organized. I was on top of everything most of the time. And now, if it weren’t for automatic billpay, we’d probably be without living quarters or utilities. I just can’t seem to get it together.

It’s hard to admit. Hence, the ongoing silence. What do I say without sounding like I’m just whining? AGAIN? It’s still my reality right now. All I see right now as I look around is everything I haven’t done yet. Every misstep. Every failure.

Face of earth found when I fell off of it

We’ve been at my parents’ house for the last two weeks. I keep sitting down at the keyboard and walking away, unsure of what to say. There’s so much going through my head and heart right now. Writing usually helps me make sense of it. But sometimes I just have no idea where to start.

Those of you that have grandparents nearby – ones who are involved and love to see the kids – are so very lucky. And I wish I could give that to my parents. I want them to see their grandson all the time. And that’s just not possible right now. It kills me every time I think about it. Therefore, I try not to think about it too much.

My parents are so cool with the little guy and their great-granddaughter. I love watching them all together. It fills my heart so full I think it’ll burst. I just sit and watch, taking it all in, trying to memorize everything. So much so that I forget to break out the video camera and capture some of it. (Including Christmas Eve with the whole family – commence head smacking maneuvers.)

So what’s the problem? It’s not enough. This time with them. Their time with the kids. I love watching my mom and dad help the kiddo walk. He wants someone to help him walk everywhere. He loves it. It won’t be long until he’ll be taking off on his own – his balance gets better every day.

And when the Boobah crawls from the living room to the kitchen, where it’s tiled, he gets up on his tiptoes and crawls with his little bottom stuck in the air. It’s hysterical to us. So is his attitude – he is so stubborn and knows exactly what he wants. He won’t take any less. And he’s strong. He pushes his big truck – one that’s designed for him to walk behind – around with one hand. If you’re not careful, he’ll shove against you so hard that he’ll push himself right out of your arms.

He’s funny, silly, goofy, and just so much fun to be around. I’m trying to be grateful for the time we all have together instead of lamenting that it’s not enough. It’s so wonderful to have the extra hands, the extra help around. It really does help keep me from feeling so overwhelmed. And maybe I’ll be able to take some of that calmness back home, when it’s just me at home with the kid trying to get work, housework, and everything else done while keeping the kid out of trouble and entertained. Some days – maybe most days – that’s a tall order.

My family is such a gift. I need to be grateful for what we have, instead of crying about what we don’t have. But wanting to be near them is a strong motivator to get things in order and move. With low interest rates and falling real estate prices, it’s actually a perfect time to do so. I wish we could. Oh, how I wish we could.

Letters

Dear Time Warner,

We don’t appreciate you slowing our connection down just so you can sell your new “Turbo” service for an extra $10. Not cool.

Love,
Me

PS) Tricks like that suck.

Category: miscellany  Tags:  2 Comments

Grandparents, prepare thyselves

Tomorrow the boobah and I leave to go see my parents. We’re flying. Again. This kid has been on a plane more times already than I was my first 24 years of life.

But since we’re down to one breastfeeding session a day, that won’t be a big issue. But we will be traveling during naptimes and feeding times, which could get really ugly.

I’m trying to figure out what will work for a decent meal on the plane. And hope that he’ll get to sleep a little before we take off so he won’t be completely crabby while we sit on the runway.

My husband keeps telling me that traveling isn’t that bad. And it’s not, yet it is. It stresses me out. Always has. Add to that my worries about keeping the kid safe, fed, and mostly happy, and I’m stressed to the max. I hate traveling solo with the kid. I do.

Yet I do it anyway, because how else are his grandparents going to get to see him? more…

mother nature is a skeevy hoor

We went from chilly days where I need a sweater and sometimes boots and jumped straight to shorts weather. What happened to spring, mother nature? What happened to those beautiful, just-right days where you can run around in capris and short sleeves until evening? Instead, I’m mopping my brow on the walk down to the coffee shop and back.

I want my money back, mother nature.

Here’s hoping some of those beautiful southern California spring days find their way back to our neck of the woods. I’ll feel cheated out of April and May without them.

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