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Face of earth found when I fell off of it

We’ve been at my parents’ house for the last two weeks. I keep sitting down at the keyboard and walking away, unsure of what to say. There’s so much going through my head and heart right now. Writing usually helps me make sense of it. But sometimes I just have no idea where to start.

Those of you that have grandparents nearby – ones who are involved and love to see the kids – are so very lucky. And I wish I could give that to my parents. I want them to see their grandson all the time. And that’s just not possible right now. It kills me every time I think about it. Therefore, I try not to think about it too much.

My parents are so cool with the little guy and their great-granddaughter. I love watching them all together. It fills my heart so full I think it’ll burst. I just sit and watch, taking it all in, trying to memorize everything. So much so that I forget to break out the video camera and capture some of it. (Including Christmas Eve with the whole family – commence head smacking maneuvers.)

So what’s the problem? It’s not enough. This time with them. Their time with the kids. I love watching my mom and dad help the kiddo walk. He wants someone to help him walk everywhere. He loves it. It won’t be long until he’ll be taking off on his own – his balance gets better every day.

And when the Boobah crawls from the living room to the kitchen, where it’s tiled, he gets up on his tiptoes and crawls with his little bottom stuck in the air. It’s hysterical to us. So is his attitude – he is so stubborn and knows exactly what he wants. He won’t take any less. And he’s strong. He pushes his big truck – one that’s designed for him to walk behind – around with one hand. If you’re not careful, he’ll shove against you so hard that he’ll push himself right out of your arms.

He’s funny, silly, goofy, and just so much fun to be around. I’m trying to be grateful for the time we all have together instead of lamenting that it’s not enough. It’s so wonderful to have the extra hands, the extra help around. It really does help keep me from feeling so overwhelmed. And maybe I’ll be able to take some of that calmness back home, when it’s just me at home with the kid trying to get work, housework, and everything else done while keeping the kid out of trouble and entertained. Some days – maybe most days – that’s a tall order.

My family is such a gift. I need to be grateful for what we have, instead of crying about what we don’t have. But wanting to be near them is a strong motivator to get things in order and move. With low interest rates and falling real estate prices, it’s actually a perfect time to do so. I wish we could. Oh, how I wish we could.

I think maybe I suck just a little bit

I’m having one of those moments when I doubt my writing. No, not my professional writing. I enjoy that very much and I think I do a decent job most of the time. Need to know how to do something? No problem! Want my professional opinion on something? You got it!

It’s my writing. Here. A few people stop by now & again, say hello, and comment on what I’m writing. (By the way, HI! and Thank you!) And I do love it when they do. But I feel like maybe I’m not connecting with other women, other mothers, hell, other people the way I want to.

Actually, I’m not even sure what I want. Maybe that’s the problem. I want to write. I want people to read what I write and go “me, too!” and let me know that. Or let me know what’s going on with them. And it happens sometimes. (did I mention how happy that makes me? thank you so much. really. I love you. want to get some coffee? wait, where are you going?)

But I wonder what I’m doing wrong. Oh, sure, there’s not really any right or wrong when it comes to this thing, this writing a personal site where people can come and go as they please. I do write for myself, but I also want to connect. I want to have a community of friends, of readers who I can talk to, share things with, hear what works for them, hear their stories, too. more…