Tag-Archive for » angst «

21
Feb 2010

My reality

By becky

Recently, it feels like I am such a failure at everything. And when you feel that way, it is so hard to write about it. Since that’s all I’ve been talking about lately anyway, it gets pretty old. And if it’s bugging me, it certainly must not be fun for you to read about.

And yet… it is my reality. All I see are the things I haven’t done. Projects I haven’t finished, things I have failed my son and husband in, my messy house, a stack of books I haven’t read, filing and laundry and dishes to be done…

I used to be (and feel) so organized. I was on top of everything most of the time. And now, if it weren’t for automatic billpay, we’d probably be without living quarters or utilities. I just can’t seem to get it together.

It’s hard to admit. Hence, the ongoing silence. What do I say without sounding like I’m just whining? AGAIN? It’s still my reality right now. All I see right now as I look around is everything I haven’t done yet. Every misstep. Every failure.

Category: babbling, me, me, me, you might think i'm crazy  Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,  8 Comments
16
Dec 2009

Lost

By becky

Lost:

One sense of self-deprecating humor.

Lost:

The motivation to write anything entertaining.

Lost:

The will to continue writing.

Lost:

Any belief that what I’m doing is in the least bit interesting to pretty much anyone except my husband and parents. And I’m not even sure my husband reads anymore.

Lost:

The ability to care. I’m so tired of questioning myself about my site. Why can’t I connect with people via my blog? What am I doing wrong? Why can’t I be funny, or touching, or profound? Or… something.

I’m tired of questioning whether I’m any sort of writer (outside of business-y stuff) at all. I thought I was. Maybe I’m not. Maybe I never was.

Category: babbling, me, me, me  Tags: ,  8 Comments
02
Nov 2009

Time Passes

By becky

clock faceLast Tuesday, I said goodbye to 35 and hello to 36. I’m not sure how I feel about inching closer to 40. In my 30s I have really felt like I’ve come into my own. Getting more respect professionally. Feeling more settled in myself, who I am, what I like and don’t like.

And then I became a mom smack-dab in the middle of my 30s. And things changed. My world has spun around a bit. I quit working outside of the home and suddenly I’m not sure where my identity lies anymore. It’s not that I identified so heavily with my career, although the ability to bring in a hefty (to me) paycheck was a BIG DEAL to me.

Now I work from home and earn less than half of what I used to. And we’re on a budget. And I’m struggling to manage my time and get everything – or even part of everything – done.

Strangely, I’m less sure of myself at 36 than I was at 34. I’ve had a lot of ups and downs this past year and I can’t say that I’m sad to see 35 go. Where will 36 take me? I’m not sure.

But I certainly hope it includes some more freelance clients and a better paycheck. For my sanity’s sake. Yeah, that’s it. My sanity.

image credit: morgueFile

Category: babbling  Tags: , , ,  2 Comments
26
Mar 2009

I might be getting too old for this

By becky

Last night hubby and I did something we haven’t done in quite a while. We went out without the Boobah. My gracious and wonderful sister-in-law came over while we snuck off.

Okay, not really. But kindof. We quietly left, as the kiddo was already in bed. He never even knew we were gone. Yet I did. My heart did.

Let me back up. I have been looking forward to this outing for several days, ever since SIL said she’d come over. It was exciting. A date! Music! Libations! Motorcycle ride! The weather has been increasingly nicer. So much so that J has been riding the motorcycle to work. We used to go on rides all the time. I miss that. A lot.

I never realized how much I missed that time until we had a chance to go out. I don’t have a lot of people around who can babysit. I haven’t been building that network of people. I didn’t want to impose on the SIL, my best friend has been out of town for months and the daughter is just too busy. So we take turns going out to do things. Watch the daughter’s band. Meet up with friends. Or we just do things that can include the Boobah. It’s not that huge of a deal most of the time.

Until the daughter has a gig late at night. I have a hard time going out by myself that late at night. Meeting friends? Fine. Going solo? Different story, for me anyway. So we made plans to go together (and I worked up the courage to ask SIL to babysit).

And then, the night before, I started thinking. A little too much. I do that a lot. I tell myself I’m trying to cover all the bases, make sure I’m prepared. But the truth is, I worry. A lot. If I’m not careful, it can turn into a panic attack. So I start worrying about what would happen if, well, something… happened. J is an excellent careful driver. I trust him implicitly. But other drivers aren’t so careful about motorcycles. You hear about it all the time.

My worries can keep me from doing things, from enjoying things. From reaching out to meet new people, make new friends, find new business. From living.

So I sat on the back of that motorcycle last night, trying to quiet my fears. To just enjoy our time together. It eventually worked, but we were most of the way there before I could relax.

But we had a great time. Daughter’s band did a great job. We got to see her for a few minutes afterwards. It really was a nice respite, something we’ll have to indulge in more often.

As for hopping on the motorcycle without a care? Those days are over. It doesn’t mean I won’t get on the bike ever again. I love going up to Julian, out to the Hideout, and other places on the bike. It’s a lot of fun. But I have to think more carefully about it. And no matter how distasteful it is, we need to plan for the worst scenario. So I can worry a little less. And enjoy life a little more.

Category: babbling, family, me, me, me, parenting  Tags: , , , , , ,  10 Comments
19
Jan 2009

There comes a point in time

By becky

There comes a point where the words just won’t come. You don’t set out to leave a heavy post, or just leave people hanging. A few days go by, you convince yourself that you’ll be back. But the longer you’re gone, the harder it is to find the right words. A subject, any subject. I don’t subscribe to writer’s block. Yet, there is something on the periphery of my vision, something that distracts me and pulls me away. Or maybe it’s that inner voice that tells me I’m not good enough, interesting enough, or even remotely funny enough.

And maybe I listen just a tiny bit too much. Or not enough. Or… see how it goes? It’s a constant rabbit hole – changing direction, telling me I’ll be out soon. But I never quite find my way out, instead burrowing deeper into that hole. Burying my head? I don’t know.

I suppose we all go through times where we doubt ourselves, especially the constant navel-gazing that occurs in the blog world. I want to reach out, to connect. And I forget how. I compare myself to others, wondering how they manage to connect to the thoughts of so many people, while I connect to so few.

I wonder if I should just go back to pen and paper? And yet, I love writing so much and I’ve been doing it for so long that I just can’t fathom quitting. And here we are. Brick wall, meet impasse.

I thought at 35 I’d know a little more of what I want, who I am, where I want to be. I do, but I don’t. Today, this week, this month? I’m in the ‘I don’t’ phase.

Can you feel stuck and yet grateful for your freedom at the same time? I love what I do, love the people I work with. I have the best office mate one could want, even if he does tend to stand by my chair and yell. But it’s never enough money and some of the goals we have will, frankly, require a lot more than what we have right now.

Therein lies the (one of many) rub. More money, limited time. How does one do it without chasing too many projects? We can only cut our budget so far.

So many thoughts, and it’s so hard to organize them coherently. Please tell me I’m not the only one. Tell me you go through this sometimes, too. I think I need to hear it right now.

Category: babbling, me, me, me  Tags: , , ,  4 Comments
30
Dec 2008

I don’t think my family is complete

By becky

J and I have had many discussions recently about our family. I want another baby. He’s on the fence about it. That decision was almost made for us recently, as I’m pretty sure I was briefly pregnant. Just long enough to start feeling it, knowing something’s different. Just enough to adjust mentally to the possibility, and start getting used to it. Just long enough to start thinking about how our lives could change, and what we’d need to do.

And then? Nothing. A very late, odd period. Not the usual (I will spare you the details of how it wasn’t the same). So while it’s not 100% certain, and there’s no way now to really confirm it, my body was telling me something.

And I believed it. And I wanted it so badly. I did. Still do. I was left with the feeling that our family is not yet complete. We still have someone else to meet.

But nothing’s ever simple. I had a lot of problems last time. It was not easy. Not for me, and not for J. He had to worry about losing me. I don’t really think that was an issue, but that does not mean that fear was not real. And if I get pregnant again, that fear comes back.

I had excellent care. My doctors were fabulous, keeping good tabs on both me and the baby. When my blood pressure went up just a little bit, they made me go in for monitoring. When the baby was stuck in the birth canal and not making any progress, they went in to get him before he or I went into distress. The surgery was a little rough, but I was fine. Tired, but fine.

Every pregnancy is different. There are no guarantees. The next one could be easier. Textbook, even. My chances of diabetes again, though, are pretty good. So we don’t know. No one ever does, do they?

The question is – are we willing to take that risk?

Category: babbling, family, spawn  Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,  21 Comments
28
Dec 2008

Face of earth found when I fell off of it

By becky

We’ve been at my parents’ house for the last two weeks. I keep sitting down at the keyboard and walking away, unsure of what to say. There’s so much going through my head and heart right now. Writing usually helps me make sense of it. But sometimes I just have no idea where to start.

Those of you that have grandparents nearby – ones who are involved and love to see the kids – are so very lucky. And I wish I could give that to my parents. I want them to see their grandson all the time. And that’s just not possible right now. It kills me every time I think about it. Therefore, I try not to think about it too much.

My parents are so cool with the little guy and their great-granddaughter. I love watching them all together. It fills my heart so full I think it’ll burst. I just sit and watch, taking it all in, trying to memorize everything. So much so that I forget to break out the video camera and capture some of it. (Including Christmas Eve with the whole family – commence head smacking maneuvers.)

So what’s the problem? It’s not enough. This time with them. Their time with the kids. I love watching my mom and dad help the kiddo walk. He wants someone to help him walk everywhere. He loves it. It won’t be long until he’ll be taking off on his own – his balance gets better every day.

And when the Boobah crawls from the living room to the kitchen, where it’s tiled, he gets up on his tiptoes and crawls with his little bottom stuck in the air. It’s hysterical to us. So is his attitude – he is so stubborn and knows exactly what he wants. He won’t take any less. And he’s strong. He pushes his big truck – one that’s designed for him to walk behind – around with one hand. If you’re not careful, he’ll shove against you so hard that he’ll push himself right out of your arms.

He’s funny, silly, goofy, and just so much fun to be around. I’m trying to be grateful for the time we all have together instead of lamenting that it’s not enough. It’s so wonderful to have the extra hands, the extra help around. It really does help keep me from feeling so overwhelmed. And maybe I’ll be able to take some of that calmness back home, when it’s just me at home with the kid trying to get work, housework, and everything else done while keeping the kid out of trouble and entertained. Some days – maybe most days – that’s a tall order.

My family is such a gift. I need to be grateful for what we have, instead of crying about what we don’t have. But wanting to be near them is a strong motivator to get things in order and move. With low interest rates and falling real estate prices, it’s actually a perfect time to do so. I wish we could. Oh, how I wish we could.

Category: babbling, family, miscellany, spawn  Tags: , , , , , , , ,  2 Comments
30
Jul 2008

I think maybe I suck just a little bit

By becky

I’m having one of those moments when I doubt my writing. No, not my professional writing. I enjoy that very much and I think I do a decent job most of the time. Need to know how to do something? No problem! Want my professional opinion on something? You got it!

It’s my writing. Here. A few people stop by now & again, say hello, and comment on what I’m writing. (By the way, HI! and Thank you!) And I do love it when they do. But I feel like maybe I’m not connecting with other women, other mothers, hell, other people the way I want to.

Actually, I’m not even sure what I want. Maybe that’s the problem. I want to write. I want people to read what I write and go “me, too!” and let me know that. Or let me know what’s going on with them. And it happens sometimes. (did I mention how happy that makes me? thank you so much. really. I love you. want to get some coffee? wait, where are you going?)

But I wonder what I’m doing wrong. Oh, sure, there’s not really any right or wrong when it comes to this thing, this writing a personal site where people can come and go as they please. I do write for myself, but I also want to connect. I want to have a community of friends, of readers who I can talk to, share things with, hear what works for them, hear their stories, too. more…

Category: babbling, me, me, me  Tags: , ,  10 Comments