There comes a point where the words just won’t come. You don’t set out to leave a heavy post, or just leave people hanging. A few days go by, you convince yourself that you’ll be back. But the longer you’re gone, the harder it is to find the right words. A subject, any subject. I don’t subscribe to writer’s block. Yet, there is something on the periphery of my vision, something that distracts me and pulls me away. Or maybe it’s that inner voice that tells me I’m not good enough, interesting enough, or even remotely funny enough.
And maybe I listen just a tiny bit too much. Or not enough. Or… see how it goes? It’s a constant rabbit hole – changing direction, telling me I’ll be out soon. But I never quite find my way out, instead burrowing deeper into that hole. Burying my head? I don’t know.
I suppose we all go through times where we doubt ourselves, especially the constant navel-gazing that occurs in the blog world. I want to reach out, to connect. And I forget how. I compare myself to others, wondering how they manage to connect to the thoughts of so many people, while I connect to so few.
I wonder if I should just go back to pen and paper? And yet, I love writing so much and I’ve been doing it for so long that I just can’t fathom quitting. And here we are. Brick wall, meet impasse.
I thought at 35 I’d know a little more of what I want, who I am, where I want to be. I do, but I don’t. Today, this week, this month? I’m in the ‘I don’t’ phase.
Can you feel stuck and yet grateful for your freedom at the same time? I love what I do, love the people I work with. I have the best office mate one could want, even if he does tend to stand by my chair and yell. But it’s never enough money and some of the goals we have will, frankly, require a lot more than what we have right now.
Therein lies the (one of many) rub. More money, limited time. How does one do it without chasing too many projects? We can only cut our budget so far.
So many thoughts, and it’s so hard to organize them coherently. Please tell me I’m not the only one. Tell me you go through this sometimes, too. I think I need to hear it right now.