Tag-Archive for » a lot in my head «

11
May 2010

Oops, I did it again.

By becky

I’ve had several people ask me if I’m okay after that last post. I am, really. I was just having a super-craptastic day and needed to write something. Maudlin, much?

Of course, there could be a tiny reason why I’m a bit easily pushed down into the depths, thinking the world just might end.

And it may have just a wee, teeny bit to do with hormones.

Lots

and

lots

of

hormones.

Oops, we did it again.

It has been really tough not talking about this. I have been so very sick, averse to a lot of foods and just plain miserable. And happy. But oh how I wanted to share my woes over feeling so sick that I have been taking a nap almost every day at the same time as my son.

Or how utterly exhausted I have been. All. The. Time.

Or how my husband is thinking about banning me from drinking merlot ever again. (But that’s a different story.)

Last week, about Thursday or Friday my belly POPPED. It’s a little hard to hide the news now. And Friday night, I went to Mamafest here in San Diego and ran into a bunch of ladies I knew. During the course of conversations, the news slipped. Oops.

That’s really okay, though. I’d already had my first appointment, seen that tiny little being, and heard a heartbeat. It’s real.

Oh boy. I’m going to be a mom to two littles, exactly 3 years apart. And I do mean exactly as this wee one is due a week after his/her brother’s birthday.

We’re calling this baby 3.0, because the boy was jokingly referred to as 2.0 on our shower cake last time AND this kid will be the third. So there you go.

The holidays are going to be busy this year, y’all. I can’t wait.

Category: family, me, me, me, parenting, spawn  Tags: , , , , , , ,  16 Comments
07
May 2010

The façade

By becky

The façade collapsed
as the carefully constructed walls crumbled.
The foundation buckled
as the supports evaporated.

Alone.
Unsure.
Nowhere to go.
Broken.
So very alone.

Category: other writing  Tags: , ,  2 Comments
06
Mar 2010

This is why I love the internets

By becky

Gratitude

“It’s really not all that bad.” That’s what I — and my husband — keep telling myself. I love the time I spend with my son, even as I feel guilty that it’s not enough… or especially not enough quality over quantity.

But then I lie in bed in the morning, after my son is up and we’re both snuggled up watching a cartoon or two, and I realize how good I have it. There’s no rushing around in the morning to get him to daycare and me to work. I doze a little while he plays with his cars and sips his milk. I smile as he runs his cars all over my head and shoulders, making these new little “vroom vroom” noises.

And I realize all of this, even as we’re terribly short on money, when I am able to get out of my own head. That’s not easy when you work from home and don’t really get out much. And yet, the internet helps me there, too. I chat with people on twitter when I take breaks. I read blogs and get to see how my internet friends are doing.

I’ve even made new local friends. That’s probably the biggest thing that the ‘net has brought me. As I think I’ve mentioned before, several of my closest friends have moved in the last few years. Since I don’t work outside the home any longer, it has been much harder to find new people to hang out with. But then I went to a couple of events that I found out about on Twitter. And I started meeting other moms.

From there, I found out about events through sdGNO (San Diego Girl’s Night Out) and sdIRL (San Diego In Real Life). And wouldn’t you know it? I have made a bunch of new friends and connected with some old ones, too. (Of course, that totally doesn’t include everyone, but you can see lists of people I’ve met via some twitter lists.)

Just getting to hang out with many cool people, get our kids together for playdates, and get out of the darn house has been making a big difference for me. It’s slowly getting better, the more I push myself to go do cool things.

As long as I can keep reminding myself not to think to hard about all that I’m not doing and not getting accomplished — and concentrate on the good — I think it’ll be okay.

Nah, I’m sure of it.

I’d also like to thank the kind person who nominated me for a “Best in Lifestyle” award from the San Diego Social Media Awards (#influenceSD). I absolutely wasn’t expecting it and no matter where I wind up, I’m honored to be in a group with so many of my friends. (PS – you can vote for me here, if you are so inclined.)

Category: Gratitude in my Attitude, babbling, me, me, me  Tags: , , , , , , , ,  4 Comments
21
Feb 2010

My reality

By becky

Recently, it feels like I am such a failure at everything. And when you feel that way, it is so hard to write about it. Since that’s all I’ve been talking about lately anyway, it gets pretty old. And if it’s bugging me, it certainly must not be fun for you to read about.

And yet… it is my reality. All I see are the things I haven’t done. Projects I haven’t finished, things I have failed my son and husband in, my messy house, a stack of books I haven’t read, filing and laundry and dishes to be done…

I used to be (and feel) so organized. I was on top of everything most of the time. And now, if it weren’t for automatic billpay, we’d probably be without living quarters or utilities. I just can’t seem to get it together.

It’s hard to admit. Hence, the ongoing silence. What do I say without sounding like I’m just whining? AGAIN? It’s still my reality right now. All I see right now as I look around is everything I haven’t done yet. Every misstep. Every failure.

Category: babbling, me, me, me, you might think i'm crazy  Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,  10 Comments
04
Feb 2010

When I get there

By becky

I used to think I would die young. I’m not sure why those thoughts were in my head. I just didn’t foresee a future of me getting old. But now, I do hope I get old so I can see my son grow up. Have grandchildren and great-grandchildren. Watching my aunt pass away and seeing all of the people gathered around her to help in the end made me realize how much I want to be surrounded by family. Lots and lots of family.

And yet, even if I grow old and everyone’s gone except me, the kids are too busy with their lives & their own kids to visit, I will hold these times close. I will wrap the memory of these days around me like a soft, familiar blanket. I will comfort myself with the remembered feel of my sons arms around my neck as he climbs down from his high chair, pausing at the end to just stand there and hug me. I will store up these times and treasure them.

He’s small now, but he won’t be for long. I want to treasure the big things. The little things. The ordinary, everyday things. Things to keep me warm with rosy memories in my old age. When I get there. I do plan to get there.

Category: babbling, me, me, me  Tags:  6 Comments
16
Dec 2009

Lost

By becky

Lost:

One sense of self-deprecating humor.

Lost:

The motivation to write anything entertaining.

Lost:

The will to continue writing.

Lost:

Any belief that what I’m doing is in the least bit interesting to pretty much anyone except my husband and parents. And I’m not even sure my husband reads anymore.

Lost:

The ability to care. I’m so tired of questioning myself about my site. Why can’t I connect with people via my blog? What am I doing wrong? Why can’t I be funny, or touching, or profound? Or… something.

I’m tired of questioning whether I’m any sort of writer (outside of business-y stuff) at all. I thought I was. Maybe I’m not. Maybe I never was.

Category: babbling, me, me, me  Tags: ,  8 Comments
29
Jan 2009

That’ll be 200 bucks, please

By becky

You know what I love?

Spontaneous chat sessions with friends that turn into a bit of a therapy session. I really needed that.

I seriously love my friends.

Category: babbling, me, me, me  Tags: , ,  6 Comments
19
Jan 2009

There comes a point in time

By becky

There comes a point where the words just won’t come. You don’t set out to leave a heavy post, or just leave people hanging. A few days go by, you convince yourself that you’ll be back. But the longer you’re gone, the harder it is to find the right words. A subject, any subject. I don’t subscribe to writer’s block. Yet, there is something on the periphery of my vision, something that distracts me and pulls me away. Or maybe it’s that inner voice that tells me I’m not good enough, interesting enough, or even remotely funny enough.

And maybe I listen just a tiny bit too much. Or not enough. Or… see how it goes? It’s a constant rabbit hole – changing direction, telling me I’ll be out soon. But I never quite find my way out, instead burrowing deeper into that hole. Burying my head? I don’t know.

I suppose we all go through times where we doubt ourselves, especially the constant navel-gazing that occurs in the blog world. I want to reach out, to connect. And I forget how. I compare myself to others, wondering how they manage to connect to the thoughts of so many people, while I connect to so few.

I wonder if I should just go back to pen and paper? And yet, I love writing so much and I’ve been doing it for so long that I just can’t fathom quitting. And here we are. Brick wall, meet impasse.

I thought at 35 I’d know a little more of what I want, who I am, where I want to be. I do, but I don’t. Today, this week, this month? I’m in the ‘I don’t’ phase.

Can you feel stuck and yet grateful for your freedom at the same time? I love what I do, love the people I work with. I have the best office mate one could want, even if he does tend to stand by my chair and yell. But it’s never enough money and some of the goals we have will, frankly, require a lot more than what we have right now.

Therein lies the (one of many) rub. More money, limited time. How does one do it without chasing too many projects? We can only cut our budget so far.

So many thoughts, and it’s so hard to organize them coherently. Please tell me I’m not the only one. Tell me you go through this sometimes, too. I think I need to hear it right now.

Category: babbling, me, me, me  Tags: , , ,  4 Comments
30
Dec 2008

I don’t think my family is complete

By becky

J and I have had many discussions recently about our family. I want another baby. He’s on the fence about it. That decision was almost made for us recently, as I’m pretty sure I was briefly pregnant. Just long enough to start feeling it, knowing something’s different. Just enough to adjust mentally to the possibility, and start getting used to it. Just long enough to start thinking about how our lives could change, and what we’d need to do.

And then? Nothing. A very late, odd period. Not the usual (I will spare you the details of how it wasn’t the same). So while it’s not 100% certain, and there’s no way now to really confirm it, my body was telling me something.

And I believed it. And I wanted it so badly. I did. Still do. I was left with the feeling that our family is not yet complete. We still have someone else to meet.

But nothing’s ever simple. I had a lot of problems last time. It was not easy. Not for me, and not for J. He had to worry about losing me. I don’t really think that was an issue, but that does not mean that fear was not real. And if I get pregnant again, that fear comes back.

I had excellent care. My doctors were fabulous, keeping good tabs on both me and the baby. When my blood pressure went up just a little bit, they made me go in for monitoring. When the baby was stuck in the birth canal and not making any progress, they went in to get him before he or I went into distress. The surgery was a little rough, but I was fine. Tired, but fine.

Every pregnancy is different. There are no guarantees. The next one could be easier. Textbook, even. My chances of diabetes again, though, are pretty good. So we don’t know. No one ever does, do they?

The question is – are we willing to take that risk?

Category: babbling, family, spawn  Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,  21 Comments
28
Dec 2008

Face of earth found when I fell off of it

By becky

We’ve been at my parents’ house for the last two weeks. I keep sitting down at the keyboard and walking away, unsure of what to say. There’s so much going through my head and heart right now. Writing usually helps me make sense of it. But sometimes I just have no idea where to start.

Those of you that have grandparents nearby – ones who are involved and love to see the kids – are so very lucky. And I wish I could give that to my parents. I want them to see their grandson all the time. And that’s just not possible right now. It kills me every time I think about it. Therefore, I try not to think about it too much.

My parents are so cool with the little guy and their great-granddaughter. I love watching them all together. It fills my heart so full I think it’ll burst. I just sit and watch, taking it all in, trying to memorize everything. So much so that I forget to break out the video camera and capture some of it. (Including Christmas Eve with the whole family – commence head smacking maneuvers.)

So what’s the problem? It’s not enough. This time with them. Their time with the kids. I love watching my mom and dad help the kiddo walk. He wants someone to help him walk everywhere. He loves it. It won’t be long until he’ll be taking off on his own – his balance gets better every day.

And when the Boobah crawls from the living room to the kitchen, where it’s tiled, he gets up on his tiptoes and crawls with his little bottom stuck in the air. It’s hysterical to us. So is his attitude – he is so stubborn and knows exactly what he wants. He won’t take any less. And he’s strong. He pushes his big truck – one that’s designed for him to walk behind – around with one hand. If you’re not careful, he’ll shove against you so hard that he’ll push himself right out of your arms.

He’s funny, silly, goofy, and just so much fun to be around. I’m trying to be grateful for the time we all have together instead of lamenting that it’s not enough. It’s so wonderful to have the extra hands, the extra help around. It really does help keep me from feeling so overwhelmed. And maybe I’ll be able to take some of that calmness back home, when it’s just me at home with the kid trying to get work, housework, and everything else done while keeping the kid out of trouble and entertained. Some days – maybe most days – that’s a tall order.

My family is such a gift. I need to be grateful for what we have, instead of crying about what we don’t have. But wanting to be near them is a strong motivator to get things in order and move. With low interest rates and falling real estate prices, it’s actually a perfect time to do so. I wish we could. Oh, how I wish we could.

Category: babbling, family, miscellany, spawn  Tags: , , , , , , , ,  2 Comments
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