“It’s really not all that bad.” That’s what I — and my husband — keep telling myself. I love the time I spend with my son, even as I feel guilty that it’s not enough… or especially not enough quality over quantity.
But then I lie in bed in the morning, after my son is up and we’re both snuggled up watching a cartoon or two, and I realize how good I have it. There’s no rushing around in the morning to get him to daycare and me to work. I doze a little while he plays with his cars and sips his milk. I smile as he runs his cars all over my head and shoulders, making these new little “vroom vroom” noises.
And I realize all of this, even as we’re terribly short on money, when I am able to get out of my own head. That’s not easy when you work from home and don’t really get out much. And yet, the internet helps me there, too. I chat with people on twitter when I take breaks. I read blogs and get to see how my internet friends are doing.
I’ve even made new local friends. That’s probably the biggest thing that the ‘net has brought me. As I think I’ve mentioned before, several of my closest friends have moved in the last few years. Since I don’t work outside the home any longer, it has been much harder to find new people to hang out with. But then I went to a couple of events that I found out about on Twitter. And I started meeting other moms.
From there, I found out about events through sdGNO (San Diego Girl’s Night Out) and sdIRL (San Diego In Real Life). And wouldn’t you know it? I havemadeabunchofnewfriendsandconnectedwithsomeold ones, too. (Of course, that totally doesn’t include everyone, but you can see lists of people I’ve met via sometwitterlists.)
Just getting to hang out with many cool people, get our kids together for playdates, and get out of the darn house has been making a big difference for me. It’s slowly getting better, the more I push myself to go do cool things.
As long as I can keep reminding myself not to think to hard about all that I’m not doing and not getting accomplished — and concentrate on the good — I think it’ll be okay.
Nah, I’m sure of it.
I’d also like to thank the kind person who nominated me for a “Best in Lifestyle” award from the San Diego Social Media Awards (#influenceSD). I absolutely wasn’t expecting it and no matter where I wind up, I’m honored to be in a group with so many of my friends. (PS – you can vote for me here, if you are so inclined.)
Recently, it feels like I am such a failure at everything. And when you feel that way, it is so hard to write about it. Since that’s all I’ve been talking about lately anyway, it gets pretty old. And if it’s bugging me, it certainly must not be fun for you to read about.
And yet… it is my reality. All I see are the things I haven’t done. Projects I haven’t finished, things I have failed my son and husband in, my messy house, a stack of books I haven’t read, filing and laundry and dishes to be done…
I used to be (and feel) so organized. I was on top of everything most of the time. And now, if it weren’t for automatic billpay, we’d probably be without living quarters or utilities. I just can’t seem to get it together.
It’s hard to admit. Hence, the ongoing silence. What do I say without sounding like I’m just whining? AGAIN? It’s still my reality right now. All I see right now as I look around is everything I haven’t done yet. Every misstep. Every failure.
I used to think I would die young. I’m not sure why those thoughts were in my head. I just didn’t foresee a future of me getting old. But now, I do hope I get old so I can see my son grow up. Have grandchildren and great-grandchildren. Watching my aunt pass away and seeing all of the people gathered around her to help in the end made me realize how much I want to be surrounded by family. Lots and lots of family.
And yet, even if I grow old and everyone’s gone except me, the kids are too busy with their lives & their own kids to visit, I will hold these times close. I will wrap the memory of these days around me like a soft, familiar blanket. I will comfort myself with the remembered feel of my sons arms around my neck as he climbs down from his high chair, pausing at the end to just stand there and hug me. I will store up these times and treasure them.
He’s small now, but he won’t be for long. I want to treasure the big things. The little things. The ordinary, everyday things. Things to keep me warm with rosy memories in my old age. When I get there. I do plan to get there.
So here’s what I’ve been doing with a lot of my time recently. I haven’t used my sewing machine in YEARS, but I finally dug it out, got it serviced, and am USING it. Of course, not for what you’d think. But still. Creating. Learning. Enjoying.
I’ve never made a scrappy journal like this before and I absolutely love it. I don’t think it’ll replace the art journals, but I can see how great this type of journal will be for vacations – collecting little tidbits and memories.
I so enjoyed making it. I hope you enjoy taking a peek. BTW, the video is kinda long. I couldn’t figure out how to make it shorter without skipping pages. And we couldn’t do that now, could we?
Surprisingly, there’s one “project” that I haven’t lost momentum on. Art journaling. Yes, I am still at it. In fact, I’m learning even more techniques, reading, and trying to grow. I got a few art journal/ mixed media art books for Christmas (I was saving for a Nook, but decided that some of these books would be more fun) and I’m gobbling them up.
I tend to flit from thing to thing. Sometimes I have great powers of concentration. I can focus on details or the big picture. Or both. But hobbies? I jump around a lot. I get really enthusiastic in the beginning, but it tapers off.
But I’ve written in journals since elementary school. Adding pictures, doodles, paint, collage … it has opened up a new arena of inspiration for me. There are times when I just write because I need a lot of blank paper to get my thoughts out. But other times, I enjoy adding a design element to it.
I really, REALLY enjoy it. I’ve had such a hard time finding things that I like over the last year. I’m still having some trouble finding direction, especially in my career. But at least there’s one little thing that is providing some enjoyment right now.
Any belief that what I’m doing is in the least bit interesting to pretty much anyone except my husband and parents. And I’m not even sure my husband reads anymore.
Lost:
The ability to care. I’m so tired of questioning myself about my site. Why can’t I connect with people via my blog? What am I doing wrong? Why can’t I be funny, or touching, or profound? Or… something.
I’m tired of questioning whether I’m any sort of writer (outside of business-y stuff) at all. I thought I was. Maybe I’m not. Maybe I never was.
When you’re a work-at-home (or stay-at-home) mom it’s so easy to feel isolated. Hubby gets out of the house each day and goes to work. Sometimes you’re so busy that you don’t get a chance to leave. Or it can just be too big of an effort at times – especially when it takes you 30 minutes just to get out the door (we live on the 2nd floor and it’s not like I can just pop the kid in the car & run back inside the house if I forget something – so I have to make sure I remember everything in one trip & it can be exhausting).
I admit it – I’m a homebody. I can stay home for several days without really doing more than going to the store to pick up a couple of things. And when I do go out, it’s usually somewhere close: the bookstore, the library, or a coffee shop, none of which are more than five minutes away. I just don’t like getting very far away from home.
And that has prevented me from going to a local girl’s night out – until this evening. About 20 friends from Twitter got together tonight at a restaurant in Hillcrest, called Terra. A couple of the ladies arranged a tasting menu for all of us. It was so very good. The food was outstanding, as was the service. The chef came and spoke to us, letting us know about some of his work locally with schools and sustainable food.
I’ve seen this particular group of ladies two or three times now and the more I see them, the more I like them.
I have lamented – many times, to my husband’s chagrin – that I just don’t have enough girlfriends anymore. Since I left my previous job, it has been so much harder to meet other women. Especially fun, smart, savvy women who understand my love for social networking, blogging, and tech toys. But I think I have found them. They get me and my strange obsessions. We love food. And fun. And lots of laughter.
I think I’m going to fit right in with these ladies. And nights out like this are exactly what I needed.
I’ve been trying to look at everyday objects in a new way, as potential for art rather than just clutter or junk. It has to be a balance, though, because I can’t hang on to everything in hopes it’ll become useful later. And instead of wishing I hadn’t tossed something that I suddenly think I can use, I’m working to turn that energy elsewhere. What do I have in front of me right now that can be used instead?
I fight my natural clutterbug tendencies. I don’t want our stuff to own us. (And sometimes it really feels like it does.) Right now it feels like a balancing act between purging junk from our lives and keeping interesting objects for future use.
I really want to create right now. To find inspiration in my everyday life. I am not an artist. Yet I’m learning to create art. And it’s a really cool thing. Maybe I’ll be able to articulate it better once I learn a little more about how to make my own stuff (instead of just using inspiration from others). Regardless of where it goes, I’m learning a lot and really enjoying it.
And maybe I’ll actually finish a project and get to move on to the next one.
Having trouble tonight, thinking of something to say. I’m a bit preoccupied with things. We have some friends coming into town, only it’s not a happy occasion due to a death in their family. Thanksgiving is rapidly approaching. As is our son’s second birthday. I’m mostly enjoying writing every single day, although I obviously can’t be brilliant every day (hey, I would take being brilliant once every couple of weeks, thank you).
I could do a bunch of freewriting and eventually come up with something, but that would bore you (& probably me) to tears.
I’m frustrated. What’s new? My dad and his brothers were all storytellers. And hysterically funny. Why am I not able to do that, too?
I’m mad at myself for being so dissatisfied with me and what I have. I see other writers succeeding and I am happy for them. But then I turn a critical eye to myself and wonder why I’m not finding opportunities like that. Why I’m not a better writer. Why I don’t have more traffic and can’t build up an audience. I’m so busy beating myself up that I can’t see a way out of it – a way to improve what I’m doing.
I get so jealous of moms who get to stay home without working. Oh, the things I could do with my son if I didn’t have to sit in a chair 5-7 hours a day and work my tail off to barely get by. But I knew this going in. I knew this when I quit my job to work from home. I knew it wouldn’t be easy. I knew we’d have a tight budget. I just wanted to spend the time with my son.
Here’s the thing though. I’m not really sure how quality that time is. And I wonder if he’d be better off in daycare. With other kids to interact with and a structured schedule. And someone besides mommy all day. He has no other kids to play with.
So I either need to buck up and find some better paying work (writing gigs that pay better than the ones I’ve been getting) or suck it up and get a job. Not something I want to be thinking about right now.
Please note: Names have been changed to protect the guilty.
Me: [had a problem that required some expertise well above my abilities] i may be calling for backup.
Her: np
Her: happy to help if needed
Me: thanks. i figured i could call the calvary if needed.
Her: note to self: get horse
Me: hahahaha – you just reminded me of a “Bones” episode we saw last night [rerun] that involved role playing w/ men pretending to be horses. it was STRANGE.
Her: the longer i go without watching television, the more it confuses me
Me: dude. they were dressed up in fetish gear pretending to be horses. and the women were “trainers” or something. i’d never seen that episode before.
Her: i didn’t need to know any of that
Me: sometimes, in order to help with healing, you have to share these things.
