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I feel a Monty Python reference coming on.

Yeah, you know the one.

“I’m not dead yet.”

Really I’m not. If you’re on FB or Twitter, you probably know that. So why is it so hard to sit down here and write? It’s actually because I feel like I have so much to say that I don’t even know where to begin.

My boys are growing like crazy. The littlest is already SEVEN MONTHS old. Both are total sweethearts. Although the oldest is pushing his luck. Hello, three! Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!

I want to leave love letters to my children. I want to talk about how hard it is to work full time from home while having the kids with you AND still freelancing. And trying to keep your sanity.

So maybe I’ve given up on that sanity bit.

Because see how scattered I am? This is my brain right now. I can rarely finish a thought without stopping and trying to remember what it was I meant to say.

Where was I?

I haven’t given up completely. Not yet, anyway. I’d like to get back to posting more than once a month. Best intentions and all that.

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Edge of the world

No, I haven’t fallen off of the face of the Earth. Been busy with travel for work. Be back soon. Just wanted to check in. How YOU doin’?

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Finding my voice

It seems sometimes like I’ve lost my voice. Not my physical, yell at my children voice, but my writing voice. My personal writing voice. I think of little things here and there to blog about, but by the time I’m done with work, I really just want to get off of the computer and spend time with hubby and the boys. Or it’s something that seems stupid. Or silly. Or not worthy of my time — or yours.

I want to chronicle this time with my boys. I’m not even doing that. I have way too much to do and I haven’t been very good at managing my time on & off the computer.

On top of that, I wonder if anyone even cares any more. Do I? I’ve been writing online since 2002. I remember that date because I was writing about a fishing trip I took that summer. But I’ve since lost those archives. What’s my point? I don’t know. I’ve been writing a long time. Do I have anything worth saying anymore?

I’m not really sure. But I still need a place to write, to get things out of my brain. Does anyone else do that? Write because you need to clear your head? I’ll go crazy if I don’t.

So it may be disjointed. It may be boring. But I need to get it all out once in a while.

Looking back on 2010

I did this last year and figure, what the heck, I’ll do it again since 2010 was quite an eventful year. Once again, seeing Linda’s reminded me that it’s time to bust this out. She said she made a few slight changes to hers, but I’m just copying mine directly from last year.

1. What did you do in 2010 that you’d never done before? I got to go to a Honda test drive event, that relationship led to getting to drive the Odyssey for a couple of months (which I’ll be writing more about in the coming weeks). I spoke with an agency and eventually got a new job through them. I’ll add more if anything else comes to mind.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? Nope.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Um, me? And my friend, Sondra.

4. Did anyone close to you die? My aunt died on New Year’s Day of 2010.

5. What countries did you visit? Absolutely none, except in my mind.

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009? A house. (That hasn’t changed.)

7. What dates from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? Definitely November 23rd, as that was the day our 2nd son was born. And November 22nd was the day my first son turned three.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Making it through this pregnancy.

9. What was your biggest failure? Landing my son in NICU because I didn’t keep my blood sugars low enough without resorting to meds.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Does getting sliced open count?

11. What was the best thing you bought? Well, since nothing pops to mind right now, I guess nothing was that spectacular. Oh yeah! I bought a Kindle (instead of Nook, yes) and I really have enjoyed it so far.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Certainly not mine.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? I was too busy working, sleeping and gestating to notice.

14. Where did most of your money go? Paying off debt… and too slowly at that.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Besides giving birth, getting to drive the 2011 Honda Odyssey for two months.

16. What song will always remind you of 2010? Nothing sticks out.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

– happier or sadder? happier, mostly.

– thinner or fatter? slightly thinner.

– richer or poorer? maybe a tiny bit richer.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? Taken time to go do fun things with my son during the day.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Working my tail off for little return.

20. How did you spend Christmas? We were with family, as always. Got to introduce the baby to some of the family, but didn’t get out much. A lot of people were sick this time around & we didn’t want to risk getting the baby sick.

21. Did you fall in love in 2010? Yes, with the new man in my life.

22. What was your favorite TV program? I think it’s still Castle.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? No, still hating on the same person for, oh, about 7 years now. She’ll never be a part of our lives again.

24. What was the best book you read? I didn’t get to read a whole lot. I guess it would have to be The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery? Mumford and Sons (that’s the uncensored version, so be forewarned about the language).

26. What did you want and get by year’s end? A little boy.

27. What did you want and not get by year’s end? A natural delivery, rather than surgery.

28. What was your favorite film of this year? I didn’t get to see much of anything.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? Nada. 37.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Being able to buy a house. (Do I sound like a broken record yet?)

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010? Comfy & lazy.

32. What kept you sane? Hubby giving me time to get out of the house & do things by myself before the baby came.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Nathan Fillion from Castle. Love the show & his character.

34. What political issue stirred you the most? I can’t stand politics. Truly.

35. Who did you miss? My mom – I wish we lived closer. And my best friend who moved to Montana.

36. Who was the best new person you met? Duh.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010. Go ahead & put yourself out there… you never know what’ll happen.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

…I can’t think of anything right now. Didn’t listen to a whole lot of new music, either.

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The one that got away — again

image

There’s this house. It’s not terribly far from my parents’ house. It has two stories, a big, gorgeous porch and lots of land with it. It is one of my favorite houses in the area (my mom’s, too). (Those of you in the area will recognize it if you’ve looked to your left as you leave Crane, just before the Hurley turnoff.)

About three (four?) years ago we noticed it was for sale. We had to call out of curiousity. Maybe it would be in our range? Not quite. It was under contact just days before Christmas.

Fast forward to this year. The house looks empty. Maybe it’s for sale again! We stop & look. There’s a real estate sign. I call. It closes the next day. Denied again!

There’s something about this house that calls to me, but I keep missing opportunities to see it. We have no idea how big the bedrooms are, whether the kitchen is functional, or even if the roof is good. It was just not meant to be. Maybe someday. Maybe never.

Have you ever had a place that haunts you? That was always just out of reach? I’m especially feeling it this year as I wait for word on a project that’s supposed to start soon. I feel like so many things are on hold. Everything, in fact, except my boys growing & growing. The little one is already 3 weeks old! Time flies too fast.

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Unwritten

How did I manage to post for an entire month, only to drop off of my blog for almost two weeks? Okay, okay, I know how. I had a baby. Then we had doctor appointments. And we drove a couple of days to see family. But we’ve been here for a week and I still haven’t figured out what to say.

What do I say?

  • That I love this little guy and am spending a majority of my time just holding him, letting him sleep on me, or gazing at his adorable little face?
  • That I feel guilty that I can’t pick up my older son, but grateful that he has his grandpa to play with him and distract him from the fact that mommy has less time for him now?
  • That I have no idea how I will manage to work and take care of two kids and actually say more than five words to my husband, but that we will somehow get through?
  • That while I love having time off to spend with everyone, it also feels weird not to be working, especially since we’re out in the middle of nowhere and there’s not a lot to do once the weather hits?
  • That while I love it here, I miss the convenience of living in town where everything’s so close that I can be at the mall in less than 5 minutes, Target or Wally World less than 10, and the doctor’s office in less than 15?
  • That I don’t miss getting snowed in?
  • But that I do miss having our own place, a dishwasher, a washer & dryer, a real house, and lots of family nearby, things that we don’t have back in SD?

I always have so much going through my head this time of year. Thoughts of family, of moving, of staying where we are, of how quickly time goes by.

So as you can see, my mind is still super-busy even as so much stays unwritten. But I don’t want to forget everything that goes on during the first few weeks of my son’s life, so I’m hoping to do a little better. Even if it’s only a short snippet every other day. I want to drop in more often. I will try to do so.

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Restless

me & the boyToday I’m just plain restless. There are things I could be doing, but I don’t have the mental capacity to concentrate for long periods. I’m trying, but just not succeeding. I’ve caught up on my Google reader feeds. I’ve read everything I care to on Twitter and Facebook. I’ve cleaned most of the kitchen and about as much of the living room as I can stand. It’s still cluttered and crowded. It definitely needs more “it’s time to get rid of this junk I’m not using” and less moving things around just to make it look a little better.

But I’m sick of it. All of it.

I even have some things to read on my Kindle. And I’ve been perusing our baby registry. But none of it is keeping my attention for long.

I’m impatient. Just biding my time. Do you know how boring that is? I’m going stir crazy. It doesn’t matter if I get out and go to the store. Or go through the mail and pay bills. None of it. It’s all busy work.

I knew this would be a long weekend but GEEZ. Enough already. Either go into labor or something. Please.

As much as I’ve wanted to see Harry Potter, I don’t know if I could sit through it, even. First, I have to pee every 10 minutes so I’d probably miss a lot of good parts of the movie. And since I didn’t already go and see it, I doubt I will tomorrow considering it’s my son’s third birthday tomorrow.

By the way, this time three years ago? I got induced mid-morning. I was still in labor at this point and wouldn’t have the kid until almost six o’clock tomorrow night. That’s right. It was a very long labor. In spite of that, I’d still rather go into labor about right now. EVEN IF it means both boys have exactly the same birthday. I’m that desperate.

Hold me?

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The home stretch

Today marked my last doctor’s appointment before the baby arrives. Last ultrasound at the office. Last trek to be poked and prodded. Finally.

And by this time next week, we’ll have a wee little one to hold and love and lose sleep over. I am so very ready. In fact, we finally found the car seat. The clothes are ready. I just need to pack my hospital bag. Finish cleaning said car seat. Do a little more cleaning.

Most of my work projects are finishing up. I’m starting to hope I’ll go into labor early, but only AFTER I finish this last project. So I guess I’d better get on that, huh. So just that one to finish and then I’m off of work for a few weeks. Not entirely sure how long. Probably about three or four. Six at the most. I’ll be back at work most definitely after the beginning of the year.

It won’t be long before we head out to see family for the holidays. I’m really looking forward to that part. We have so much going on that it’ll be nice to just relax, bask in our new addition, and enjoy time with the grandparents. I know they’re going to have so much fun with both kids. Especially the older one – he’s such a funny little guy that I know my dad is going to have a blast with him. He’s so precious. Last night, hubby was getting him to say “mommy” instead of his usual “mama” and it was the most beautiful sound to my ears.

I think he’s on the verge of being willing to make more sounds, especially as we try to work on getting him to repeat things. I bet my dad will try to get him to talk as well. We’re stubborn like that.

So that’s where we are. Full of anticipation. Waiting it out. Looking forward to a new chapter — except for the lack of sleep part. I mean, really. Who looks forward to that? EVER?

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I miss (my) Art


Journal of Interest - more inspiration

So it’s been weeks, maybe even a month or more since I’ve done anything with my art journals. I don’t have a dedicated space for making art, so each time I have pull everything out and put it back when I’m done. And to keep my son out of things, it has to be done after he goes to bed. And recently I’ve been working after he goes to bed, so no art time for me.

I miss it.

I read artsy blogs, especially by those who do art journals. I see cool things I want to try. I feel inspired. Yet I don’t do anything about it. I have a feeling it’ll be that way for at least the next six months or more. It is what it is.

That’s something that will still be waiting on me when I get back to it. It is patient. No judgment. No rules. And I actually look forward to getting back to it at some point. And maybe someday having an office / studio where I can leave things more accessible. Very high up on shelves, of course, but easier for me to use when inspiration strikes.

That’s such a lovely thought.

A funny thing happened…

tonight, but I’m running out of time and can’t tell the whole story yet. I know. I suck, huh? But I have to tell the whole thing. Let’s just say we have one funny kid.

Only one doctor appointment to go. Today’s was good. Fluid levels good. Baby heart rate good. We’re just waiting. Only 12 more days. Yikes! Guess we’d better get on that laundry so our guests don’t die when the pile topples onto them. It could happen. I’m embarrassed to have anyone over at this point. Truly.

By the way, don’t ever try to go to a coffee shop to get some work done on Veteran’s Day. Everyone else who normally works is there, too, just taking up space. Go home, people!

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