Still here, still pregnant

We’ve hit the 28 week marker. Time has moved so slowly I thought that I’d never get here. And now it’s third trimester time. Did I hit the uncomfortable stage of things this soon last time? I don’t remember. I’m already having trouble breathing and eating – where’d all the space go? At my last appointment, I was measuring a week ahead already. That prompted my doctor to go ahead and schedule a c-section.

Unfortunately, Thanksgiving gets in the way. And that means dates are limited, especially since I don’t want to go in on my other son’s birthday. I refuse to have two birthdays on the same day if I can avoid it.

So the doctor scheduled it the day after. Sigh. I don’t care about being in the hospital on Thanksgiving. I really don’t. But I am frustrated that I’m limited to two days just before then AND the doc chooses the 23rd. Why couldn’t he schedule it on the 24th and at least give us a day in between?

And don’t get me started on feeling like my choices have been taken away. My original due date was 11/29. But based on conception date, I know that’s early by at least 3 days. I didn’t get a chance to give him those details (and would he listen anyway?). Because of my gestational diabetes, he doesn’t want me to go to my due date. In fact, he apparently doesn’t want me to get too close to that since it’s possible my son will be big.

Let’s face it. i have a big family. I don’t think it has a lot to do with diabetes. We’re just big people. My other son was 9 lbs. 10 oz. My uncle was either 10 or 11 lbs. when he was born. Another uncle, other side of the family, was somewhere in the 6′ 6″ range as an adult. My hubby is 6′ 2″ See? Big people.

If I’m “lucky” I’ll go into labor on my own. But since the c-section is a week early and my last son was late, that’s not looking likely.

I was really angry and upset when I first got the news. Now I just feel resigned to it. The ultimate goal is a healthy baby and mommy, no matter how we get there. I just really hate feeling that my choices are limited. I was really hoping this pregnancy would be different. Instead we’re hearing the same tune just three years later.

And that’s part of why I’ve been avoiding much personal blogging. It all turns into angry rants or whining. And who really cares? It could be much worse. At least I’m not in the hospital on bed rest, unable to work or take care of my son.

One thing I’m dreading is caring for my older son while trying to recover from a c-section. Did I mention that he weighs 44 lbs.? Yeah, there will be no lifting him out of the crib in the mornings. Which is one reason why my husband is pushing to get him a toddler bed – one that he can crawl in & out of. (That still won’t help with diaper changes, though, which we do on our waist-high bed.)

I’m a mess. Have been the entire pregnancy. Worried about money. About how I’ll care for two kids at home by myself. How my older son will react to mommy’s attention going to the wee babe. How I’ll miss this wonderful time with my older son. We are such good buddies. Man, I love that little guy. But I don’t want to write a bunch of anxiety down, lest my younger son someday think he wasn’t wanted. He really is. So much so. But I haven’t done anything to prepare for his arrival — which is now ELEVEN weeks away thanks to the surgery — nor have I taken more than 2 weekly belly pics. Last time? Took a ton. This time? Not many. I wonder how I’ll give both of them adequate attention when I don’t even feel like I give ONE child enough attention (thanks to having to work so many dang hours – another story in itself).

See? Even I don’t want to listen to me anymore. Hence posts about anything or everything except my pregnancy. Or nothing at all.

I suppose I could write about how much I loathe both of my downstairs neighbors right now, BOTH of whom are doing remodeling. I hate it with a burning passion of a thousand fiery suns. Wouldn’t you think it would be, I don’t know, courteous to let your neighbors know that you’ll be starting some noisy remodeling? Especially those that you KNOW have small children? Yeah, none of that. I hate this place. Hence my looking for a 2 BR closer to hubby’s work. But those are way out of our price range. Actually, EVERYTHING is out of our price range. And I feel trapped. Another source of anxiety.

I really hope all of my stress doesn’t affect the wee babe, too much. But it probably has considering that it affects my eating and blood sugar numbers. See? Mommy fail AGAIN. I just want this to be over with so we can go visit my family and decompress for a month or so. Really hoping that helps. I need a break. I need to stop worrying about money, living quarters, my car that’s going to need a lot of work soon, working too hard for too little… I need something. I just wish I knew what it was.

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15 Responses
  1. bethany actually (15 comments.) says:

    I hear ya on wondering if you were this uncomfortable this early in the previous pregnancy…I’m 27.5 weeks now and I’m amazed at how quickly I am out of breath when climbing up stairs, or how little food I can eat in a sitting, or how difficult it seems to just bend over and pick up a freaking sock off the floor.

    I’m sorry you’re feeling a loss of control, that sucks. :-( But like you said, healthy baby and healthy mama are the main goals! Maybe if you focus on those you’ll be less bothered by the details. I hope.
    bethany actually´s last blog post ..Annalieisms on Twitter – August 2010

    • becky says:

      You should see me try to put on socks & tennies! Almost a comedy.

      Thank you – I am really trying to focus on a positive outcome as the most important thing. Sometimes I get a little overwhelmed and need to talk about it. Poor hubby’s probably sick of hearing me fret and worry.

  2. Ginger (8 comments.) says:

    Awww, Becky so sorry to hear about your stress. One of the best pieces of advice I received from a nurse right after having #2 (c-section) was just to focus on your other child. The newborn will eat and then sleep most of the day, and while he’s sleeping give your older kid the attention he needs and it will help you feel better too. Then when your older child goes to sleep, cuddle w/ baby. As the newborn gets older, the balance will slowly develop.

    I’ll be honest – it’s not always easy and you will be tired, but by making your oldest feel extra special during this time it will ease everyone’s anxiety.

    Re: not feeling prepared – I’d be willing to bet if you put out a call for help on getting your house/baby stuff ready, you’d have other mommies jumping at the chance to help. Everyone loves babies.

    Good luck! It will all work out, I promise.

    • becky says:

      Thank you so much, Ginger. That sounds like some good advice. My older son is in a really good stage right now – he wants to help with everything. So I’m hoping that involving him that way will help mitigate any jealousy.

      Unfortunately, the people I would normally call to help have all moved or are far away. There might be a couple locally who would pitch in though. That’s the thing about working from home. I knew it would be isolating, but I had no idea how much so.

  3. Kate Coveny Hood (2 comments.) says:

    I felt similarly about my twins.

    My first delivery (with my son, Oliver) was pretty text book, but I did everything wrong afterward (didn’t ask for drugs even though I was in terrible pain – he was over 9 lbs – then developed a head cold in the hospital and didn’t sleep for 48 hours because I couldn’t breathe through my nose and wouldn’t take drugs since I was trying to nurse – which didn’t work out anyway…) I was sure that I’d do everything better the second time around. Then I found out that I had to have a c-section and it threw everything off. Everything would be new again…of course I did do SOME things better (babies sleeping in the nursery so I could sleep at night, etc.) But it was SO hard not being able to pick up my 18 month old when I was first home. Everything about him was hard…so much guilt… But it’s all good now and I’m so happy when I see my children playing together.

    I found pregnancy to be a hard time – both times. I had nausea and discomfort and I just never felt able bodied. Some women love being pregnant – I’m not one of them. So I’d never begrudge anyone a little complaining toward the end when the chance of discomfort is highest!

    • becky says:

      I always wanted to love being pregnant. And I did a little last time. This time? Not so much. Pregnancy just doesn’t agree with my body at all. So even though I’d love to have a little girl, I don’t see that happening. Hubby says no way. He’s worried about how it affects my health.

      I just don’t want my son to think later on that I didn’t want this just because I complained about how I feel all the time. And the difficulties of gestational diabetes have been much worse this time when you add in gallbladder issues. I’m at the point that I can’t wait for it to be over, even though I don’t want to wish away these last few weeks of it just being my one son & I here at home.

  4. Kacy (1 comments.) says:

    Ugh. Good luck with the home stretch of your pregnancy. Do not stress about taking care of your older son. It’s hard and tiring but it works out and he can watch a little more TV if necessary. Hang in there!
    Kacy´s last blog post ..My Trip for Design Mom- Behind the Scenes

    • becky says:

      Fortunately, we’ll be going to see family shortly after he’s born and my older son will get lots of love and attention from grandma, grandpa and daddy while mommy recovers. That’s the only good thing about traveling so soon after baby’s born. The relaxation and help we’ll get.

      Funny you mention TV – I already feel guilty about how much he watches. LOL!

  5. Wendy (1 comments.) says:

    Thank you for your kind words of encouragement on my blog! It means a lot!
    I love your journals and I have added you as a favorite on my reader. I love being able to look at other sites to get some inspiration! :o)
    Wendy´s last blog post ..The Small Things

    • becky says:

      I liked the magazine pic you used for summer. It was just perfect. I think you’ve got a great eye for choosing things for your journal — I look forward to seeing more of your posts about it.

      I need to do a few more pages in mine so I actually have something to share!

  6. Christine (6 comments.) says:

    This is all going to work itself out. The baby will come, your son will adjust and appreciate someday having a sibling. You’ll eventually get back to two full incomes when they hit school age (unless you don’t want to work a 9-5 job outside the home). Your neighbors will eventually finish their infernal remodeling project. You will regain all of that space that your organs are missing too. Try if you can to enjoy the ride :)! I know, easier said that done.

    • becky says:

      Dammit, woman, stop being so rational. For now, the remodeling seems to have stopped. Still not sure if they’re done, but at least we have a respite. There’s nothing worse than construction noise when you work from home.

  7. mayberry (1 comments.) says:

    I am absolutely not trying to minimize your frustration because I think it is real and totally understandable! But just wanted to throw in that my kids do have birthdays one day apart (scheduled c would have made it 4 days, but I went into labor 3 days early). We’ve only had 5 shared birthdays so far but it has not been a big deal. For the first couple of years we had joint parties, super easy esp. since littler one didn’t know the difference. Since then we have managed to juggle two celebrations (plus oh yeah Easter usually happens right around then too) fairly well. A couple of times my older child opted for one special experience vs. a party. It’s a little stressful prepping for two things at once, but then again you get it all done in one fell swoop. Also, it cuts down on “when is it going to be MY birthday??” wails, because the answer is either “yesterday” or “tomorrow”!

    Anyway, just wanted to try to reassure you about that one aspect. Take care and hang in there!

    • becky says:

      Yeah, so far it looks like both of the boys will occasionally have their birthdays fall on Thanksgiving. We really don’t do big birthdays in our family anyway. Never have. It’s a special day for the person, but parties & stress? Not our thing. So I think it’s just the idea of it more than anything. My husband & his brother have birthdays that are 3 days apart & it was never a big deal for them either. I think it’s my lack of choice & letting things go their own course that has me so frustrated. I just wish my body would do what it’s supposed to! It could be much worse and I realize that. But it doesn’t always make it easier to deal with what’s happening to me right now.

      Thanks for your comment, lovely lady. I appreciate it.

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