Oh, how sadly mistaken I was

At 36, I’m of “advanced maternal age.” That places me in a high-risk category in and of itself. Oh, and last time I had diabetes and preeclampsia. More high-risk factors. I’ve had a really hard time coming to terms with the fact that I just can’t control what my body does at this point. What I wouldn’t give for a normal, uneventful pregnancy.

This time around, my body is even more insulin-resistant than it was previously. Diet? Exercise? Not enough. I feel frustrated. What I’m doing should work, right? It’s not.

I have weekly appointments with a dietician to check my food, my blood sugar numbers, and just to make sure everything’s going the way it should. Today was my first appointment. Since it’s mid-morning, I have to take my son with me. I thought that wouldn’t be a big deal. He’d play with his cars while I talk to the dietician. WRONG. Oh, how sadly mistaken I was.

When I got to the office, I was so happy to see 20 minute parking available. Hey, things are going my way. Woohoo! I thought. We went upstairs and checked in. My son was fascinated by the fishbowl at the check-in desk. It was still early enough that I thought we’d be fine. It’s a good two hours or more until naptime!

As soon as they called me back, all hell broke loose. My son fuh-reaked out. He didn’t want to go into the tiny office they had for consultations. Literally would not go through the door. He started crying. I tried to give him some of his cars, which always worked before. His milk. My phone. He wanted NONE OF IT. But I had to do this appointment. So I’m kneeling in the doorway, trying to calm him down while talking to the dietician about my food diary.

We basically had to talk over him. Oh, did I mention that this is back in the offices, where other people are trying to work? Here’s my screaming child, throwing a tantrum in the hallway and there’s nothing I can do about it. I tried everything to calm him down, but he only worked himself up even more.

Between that and having to increase my meds AGAIN, I felt like such a failure. As we left, he was still crying and throwing a fit. So much so that I had to THROW HIM OVER MY SHOULDER to get him in the elevator (he doesn’t much like elevators on a good day). I have never been so mortified in my life.

I managed to make it to the car before I broke down. Sobbing, I called my husband to let him know what had happened. I don’t know how we’ll manage more of these appointments. Whether it means trying to find an alternate time or just taking him all the way to daddy at work for a half hour while I do my appointment. (Which adds a lot more time, mileage, and gas to the equation.)

I don’t know whether he’s finally hitting the terrible twos, or just getting a start on three. But man, if he’d started this crap any sooner I’m pretty certain he would NOT have a sibling on the way anytime soon. Or maybe ever.

(Let me note how much I love my son. I adore him. He is the sweetest, most loving kid. Really. He has never acted this way when I’ve had to take him somewhere. Ever. So I was totally unprepared. And I’m still not sure what we’ll do in the future to stop this behavior. I just felt like the most incompetent mother in the world today. I’m sure there will be more rounds of it in the future, especially when there are two to deal with.)

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7 Responses
  1. Laura Lohr : My Beautiful Life (1 comments.) says:

    Oh man. We have had these kind of days before. I think it happens most when Mommy’s attention is somewhere else (on the phone, in an appointment).

    I can totally sympathize with your feelings about pregnancy too. I spent the last 16 weeks of my pregnancy on bed rest. It can feel defeating when your body seems to be turning on you.

    Hang in there!
    Laura Lohr : My Beautiful Life´s last blog post ..My Almost Kindergartener

    • becky says:

      Thanks, Laura! I think he’s going through something right now. Maybe he’s getting ready for a growth spurt, as he’s eating more & sleeping a little more, too.

      And it could be that he’s learning to assert his independence just a little. I don’t yet know. *sigh*

  2. BrandyS says:

    I’m having a hard time doing the math on how old I was when I discovered I was pregnant. I turned 45 in May, and my son turns 8 in December. All I know is how surprised I was when the doctor told me I needed to be extra careful about my pregnancy because of my advanced maternal age. (Advanced maternal age? who ME? I WAS STILL YOUNG WHEN I GOT PREGNANT WITH NUMBER TWO!)

    I was a mess. Emotional nutcase. Enormously pregnant and physically fine — I was working 12-hour days until four days before I delivered — but completely wacko. Friends could not ask me how I was doing because I would break down and cry.

    It’s hard, Becky, but you’ll get through it. And you will adore your number two son as much as you adored the first, though you might not have the same amount of energy as you did the first time.

    *hugs*

  3. BrandyS says:

    p.s. next time he has a tantrum like that, just walk away and leave him there: give him no response at all. take the meeting into a different space, and let him scream all he wants. At least that way, YOU won’t be quite so frazzled, and he’ll learn that he can’t wind you up quite so easily. The other people in the office have seen it before: Trust me!

    • becky says:

      I got down on his level & just sat there with him while I talked to the people I needed to talk to. We talked over his screaming, which went on for a good 10 minutes. I totally would have walked away if I could have. When it happens at home he has to go in the bedroom. But it’s usually just a small fit, a little crying and yelling. This was an all-out scream-fest with super-red face and tons of tears. This is a new phase, for sure.

      It’s hard not to try and comfort & distract when you’re in front of other people. They weren’t judging me & were so nice. And later, one of the women told me how good & sweet I was with him the entire time. What she didn’t see was me sobbing in my car afterward. Stupid hormones. I’ve said that a hundred times in this pregnancy & I’m sure I’ll say it a thousand more. Stupid hormones.

  4. bethany actually (15 comments.) says:

    Man, I hear you on the “advanced maternal age” thing. It’s kind of a bummer to hear that label applied to yourself! I’m fortunate in that my only issue at this point is hypertension, which I have regardless of state of gestation, and it wasn’t a problem in the previous pregnancy so I’m keeping my fingers crossed that it won’t be a problem in this one either. But it’s still a drag, it means I’m considered a high-risk pregnancy, requires extra tests and doctor’s appointments, etc.

    And the hormones! Oh, those crazy hormones. That alone could make dealing with a very loud, very public tantrum more stressful than normal.

    Sigh. I have no words of advice, it sounds like you handled it the right way. I just hope there is no next time for a tantrum like that.
    bethany actually´s last blog post ..How I spent five hours of my life on one ten-minute prenatal check-up

    • becky says:

      I’m sorry I didn’t reply – I thought I already had!

      I hope you don’t have any other complications. It’s a pain, even though my nutritionist said I was doing pretty well. Problem is, I’m cutting out lots of carbs and they don’t want me to do that. They want me to eat better, so we’re adjusting my meds again. At least I still have quite a ways to go before I hit the max on the med amounts. My hormones are really crazy and interfering with my ability to process insulin efficiently.