Having trouble tonight, thinking of something to say. I’m a bit preoccupied with things. We have some friends coming into town, only it’s not a happy occasion due to a death in their family. Thanksgiving is rapidly approaching. As is our son’s second birthday. I’m mostly enjoying writing every single day, although I obviously can’t be brilliant every day (hey, I would take being brilliant once every couple of weeks, thank you).

I could do a bunch of freewriting and eventually come up with something, but that would bore you (& probably me) to tears.

I’m frustrated. What’s new? My dad and his brothers were all storytellers. And hysterically funny. Why am I not able to do that, too?

I’m mad at myself for being so dissatisfied with me and what I have. I see other writers succeeding and I am happy for them. But then I turn a critical eye to myself and wonder why I’m not finding opportunities like that. Why I’m not a better writer. Why I don’t have more traffic and can’t build up an audience. I’m so busy beating myself up that I can’t see a way out of it – a way to improve what I’m doing.

I get so jealous of moms who get to stay home without working. Oh, the things I could do with my son if I didn’t have to sit in a chair 5-7 hours a day and work my tail off to barely get by. But I knew this going in. I knew this when I quit my job to work from home. I knew it wouldn’t be easy. I knew we’d have a tight budget. I just wanted to spend the time with my son.

Here’s the thing though. I’m not really sure how quality that time is. And I wonder if he’d be better off in daycare. With other kids to interact with and a structured schedule. And someone besides mommy all day. He has no other kids to play with.

So I either need to buck up and find some better paying work (writing gigs that pay better than the ones I’ve been getting) or suck it up and get a job. Not something I want to be thinking about right now.

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2 Responses
  1. Christy (5 comments.) says:

    Totally understand about begin happy for other writers but frustrated for yourself. I find myself in a similar state of mind.

    About that precious baby of yours, though: he is so much better off with you. Not that all daycares are bad or that you’d be a bad mom to put him in one and go to work outside the home full time, but now you are there for him. I understand you’re working while being home, but you are home with him. I’m a total stranger and my opinion isn’t worth much to you, but please, take it from someone who’s going to be sending her son off to college in 3 years – spend as much time with him now as possible!
    .-= Christy´s last blog ..The paparazzi would totally follow her =-.

    • becky says:

      Thanks, Christy. I really go back and forth with this. I’m not sure he’s learning what he should from me. And maybe a more structured environment would provide that.