Prepping to head to Chicago and meet up with 1399 other wimmins (and a few guys thrown in. of course. they just can’t let us have our own thing) (i kid, really) at BlogHer.
This is quite a BIG DEAL for me. Not the conference so much. It’s my fourth one and I’m used to the drill. I LOVE the drill. I have met some terrific women and I will meet many more, I’m sure.
It’s just that, well, you see. How do I say this?
I have two reasons to be nervous. First, I’ve gained about 40 pounds compared to last year. None of my clothes fit me. I feel fat. A sedentary job & life will do that to you. And I’ve been an emotional eater recently, which does not help AT ALL.
I may have found a couple of things to wear, but I don’t have any shoes. You may see me in skirts and flip flops. I don’t have much of a choice.
I’ll manage that, though. After the first squee’s and hellos (okay, and maybe the first drink) I’ll forget all about my weight. I won’t feel as confident, maybe, but I’ll mostly forget.
The second reason I will not forget. This will be the first time away from my son. For FIVE DAYS. To say that I’m FREAKING OUT would be just a tiny bit of understatement. No. Really. There have been many times recently that ONLY mommy will do. How is he going to feel when he keeps watching the door each time it opens and find it’s not me. Or that I’m not there when he cries in the morning? He won’t be getting any of his mommy snuggles! And I won’t have any of his.
And yes, I cry each time I think about it. I can’t help it.
Deep down I worry about something happening while I’m gone. Whether it’s to me or to him. I just can’t bear the thought. My family is everything to me. Yes, it probably sounds silly to many of you. And yes, I’ll survive. He’ll be fine with daddy and his older sister. (And his auntie will be around for a few days, too.) But none of them are me. No one can comfort him like I do.
And how will it be when I get back? Will he act a little different around me? A little less in need of me? I’m not sure I can handle that right now. I’ve been having such a rough time figuring out who I am now that I’m a mom. A bit of rejection will NOT HELP right now.
I know I need a break. It will be good for me. Sunday will be a free day for me to just wonder around, do some writing, relax a little. Maybe even figure out where some of the old me went. Or maybe that’s a tall order for just one day.
But a big chunk of my heart and soul will be stuck back here in San Diego. I only hope it’s intact when I return.
