Archive for » July, 2009 «

Overreact much?

I’m home, we’re all fine. Once my son practically pushed me out the door because I DARED to get in front of the TV (turned on as a distraction tactic – it totally worked), I knew things probably wouldn’t be as bad as I painted them. I did NOT cry on the plane as I’d already done all of my crying the day before. Ha! Got that out of the way.

The flight was fine, airport transportation was a little bit of a nightmare, but it all worked out eventually. Had a mostly good time, except for that one incident which I will tell you about and link to soon.

And? I didn’t whine and moan about my son as much as I thought I would. I went back to being just me for a while, doing what I wanted when I wanted. Laughing, eating out, staying up all hours (and paying for it with EXHAUSTION the next day). Being me. And realizing I’ve been obsessing way too much.

I went to the pier after the conference was over. Sat and watched the boats and water. Wrote and sketched a little. Enjoyed my time alone, yet also wished my family could be with me to enjoy it. And it was a nice feeling. No guilt, no remorse. Just wanting to share some fun.

Some days things are easier than others. I’m still trying to learn some balance, and I might be getting a tiny bit better at it. We’ll see. I re-learned some things while I was gone. Things I needed desperately.

I needed to find the Becky that was around before the kid. She’ll never be back wholly. But it’s nice to remember that bits of her still lurk and it’s okay to channel her once in a while. In fact, it’s NEEDED for my sanity.

I might talk about the conference, although I’m sure so many of you are SICK and TIRED of all of the con talk. But I need to write it for me. Process what I saw and felt. And just remember it a little bit.

It’s good to be back. Really.

Category: babbling, me, me, me  Comments off

BlogHerAds session at BlogHer09

Note: The liveblogger had to leave before the session was over, so I took some notes from the Q&A portion.

Question: Profanity in blogs – question about checking the profanity box on BHA profile, she might occasionally use it.

Answer – Lisa: We have on BHA, profiles, we ask questions about what ads to serve on your blog. One question is, do you use profanity? (Some advertisers will not do sites that have profanity.) Some campaigns will skip those blogs. We try to help you get paid more for your writing by asking those who don’t use profanity to mark it so they can be in those campaigns.

Question: Stats. Used to see which blogs refer over to her blog.

Answer: We have slightly changed our headline technology to be more reliable. She was using WordPress, and some people recommend Google Analytics.

Question: Wait time to get in?

Answer: If you’re on our wait list & at the session, drop us an email & let us know you were at the session.

Question: New blog, 8 months old. Did one review. Does that take her off of the wait list?

Answer: You can do it if you want while on wait list, but we recommend that you go ahead and set up review blog.

Question: Want to do compensated reviews. How?

Answer: In your BHA profile, indicate that you want to be a part of the reviewer program.

Question: Angela, HP. What BH network can do. When she talks about content, she talks about context. One of the reasons she wanted to do social media with BlogHer — the high standards of the network. She works with BlogHer because she knows that she’ll get an honest review, not an advertorial. Be compelling, be you, be credible.

Category: miscellany  Tags:  Comments off

BlogHer or bust

Prepping to head to Chicago and meet up with 1399 other wimmins (and a few guys thrown in. of course. they just can’t let us have our own thing) (i kid, really) at BlogHer.

This is quite a BIG DEAL for me. Not the conference so much. It’s my fourth one and I’m used to the drill. I LOVE the drill. I have met some terrific women and I will meet many more, I’m sure.

yahootini
(BlogHer 2006, San Jose)

It’s just that, well, you see. How do I say this?

I have two reasons to be nervous. First, I’ve gained about 40 pounds compared to last year. None of my clothes fit me. I feel fat. A sedentary job & life will do that to you. And I’ve been an emotional eater recently, which does not help AT ALL.

I may have found a couple of things to wear, but I don’t have any shoes. You may see me in skirts and flip flops. I don’t have much of a choice.

I’ll manage that, though. After the first squee’s and hellos (okay, and maybe the first drink) I’ll forget all about my weight. I won’t feel as confident, maybe, but I’ll mostly forget.

The second reason I will not forget. This will be the first time away from my son. For FIVE DAYS. To say that I’m FREAKING OUT would be just a tiny bit of understatement. No. Really. There have been many times recently that ONLY mommy will do. How is he going to feel when he keeps watching the door each time it opens and find it’s not me. Or that I’m not there when he cries in the morning? He won’t be getting any of his mommy snuggles! And I won’t have any of his.

And yes, I cry each time I think about it. I can’t help it.

Deep down I worry about something happening while I’m gone. Whether it’s to me or to him. I just can’t bear the thought. My family is everything to me. Yes, it probably sounds silly to many of you. And yes, I’ll survive. He’ll be fine with daddy and his older sister. (And his auntie will be around for a few days, too.) But none of them are me. No one can comfort him like I do.

And how will it be when I get back? Will he act a little different around me? A little less in need of me? I’m not sure I can handle that right now. I’ve been having such a rough time figuring out who I am now that I’m a mom. A bit of rejection will NOT HELP right now.

I know I need a break. It will be good for me. Sunday will be a free day for me to just wonder around, do some writing, relax a little. Maybe even figure out where some of the old me went. Or maybe that’s a tall order for just one day.

But a big chunk of my heart and soul will be stuck back here in San Diego. I only hope it’s intact when I return.

What she’s doing now

I compose things in my head during the day. Little bits and pieces that I need to write about. You see, I’m the type who HAS to write. Whether it be in a paper journal, or here, or whatever. I HAVE to write to keep my sanity. Some people would say it’s too late, that [sanity] ship has sailed. I would tell those people to SHUT UP, who asked you anyway?

So I keep telling myself to write. But I get up, feed the kid, work until afternoon, hubby gets home, we get busy with the kid, and later supper prep. Then there’s the meal and by that time I’m too tired to do dishes, much less put personal thoughts together. They’re not coherent IN my head, so how would they be coherent OUT of my head? So I do my other paid writing and it’s so late at night by that point I have to go to bed or I won’t get up early enough to start work all over again.

As it is, I’m usually in bed around 1 am. This cycle is just not working. Why? Because I’m tired ALL THE TIME. And I cry a lot, and not just at those stinking Extreme Makeover: Home Edition episodes that they edit JUST TO MAKE ME CRY, but at everything. And I feel like THE CRAZY is hiding under my bed and waiting for my foot or arm to hang off the side just a little bit so it can GRAB ME and pull me into its HELLISH DEPTHS. That could might be the reason I keep a flashlight and baseball bat next to my side of the bed. I aim to be PREPARED for THE CRAZY. Ahem. Anyway.

When I do manage to sit down, I open up a window to start writing and… crickets. Lots of chirping. And it’s not the cute little chirping. It’s the “I want to gouge my eardrums out” chirping. In my head. Because we don’t have any crickets in our house. And if we did I’d drive myself crazy finding the little sucker and disposing of it. (I don’t mind the sound of crickets as long as they are OUTSIDE OF MY HOUSE.)

Starburst

Not too long ago, I was chatting with a friend and I was telling her how rough it’s been. What makes it worse is worrying. I am an all-time champeen worrier. I might even have a plaque or trophy somewhere to prove it and NO YOU CANNOT SEE IT. My cross to bear. The problem with worrying is it’s so draining. And crazy-making. I’ll tell you all about OCD my worrying is. Sometime. Not now.

But as I was telling her exactly how utterly ridiculous this worrying is, that which I cannot seem to STOP IT, I realized exactly how insane I sounded. HI, I’M CRAZY, WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE MY FRIEND? She just might have mentioned that maybe a little more drinking is in order. I let her know that I have TRIED to drink enough to DROWN THE CRAZY, but that little bugger can swim BETTER THAN I CAN.

I’m also trying a couple of projects for fun, like art journaling and binding my own small project books. I am actually looking forward to carving out some time for them. Using paint, and paintbrushes. SHARP POINTY TOOLS. (Like awls and paper punches, y’all. Yeesh.) Colored pencils. Bits of old books, and beautifully-patterned paper. Oh, the BEAUTIFUL PAPER. It calls to me, especially from the clearance aisle at Michael’s. Which, by the way I think I am going to have to BAN MYSELF from Michael’s. And the local paper supply shops. But at least it’s something I am getting immense joy from. Or maybe that’s just fumes from the glue stick.

I guess I really need to make an effort to find creative outlets. Because I may not be able to drown THE CRAZY in drink, but I sure can try to glue her down to a piece of paper and SMOTHER HER IN ACRYLIC PAINT. Or, you know, just enjoy being creative in a no-pressure environment. Whichever.

ps) Major credits if you can figure out where the title comes from. And I just realized that Laura does her titles this way all the time and I SWEAR I’m not stealing it from her. I just haven’t named my posts from songs in a long time and wanted to for old time’s sake.

Park it! Or don’t.

fountain, with natural history museum in background

Since living in San Diego, we have never taken advantage of the Balboa Park Tuesday promo. Each Tuesday of the month, different Park museums offer free entry to county residents. We’ve talked about it, but never gone. Until today. Sort of.

We stopped and grabbed some sandwiches to eat at the park. (By the way, Whole Foods Turkey Bacon Avocado wrap? Awesome.) When we got there, we knew things didn’t look good when all of the parking lots were full. But we stumbled upon a lot we didn’t even know was there and voilá a few empty spots.

Today’s museums included Reuben H. Fleet Science Center and the Natural History Museum. We walked around for a while, looking at things and making our way towards that end of the park. Oh lordy.

It was so crowded that they wouldn’t let you take strollers inside any of the free places. And we have a crapload of stuff in the stroller – diaper bag, cooler with milk, my purse. Which means we’d have to unload and carry all of the stuff PLUS our 35 lb. toddler. No way I’m leaving any of that stuff in the stroller. And we have to carry the boy. We can’t let him walk around — he’ll get creamed. He’s still a little wobbly and needs plenty of space to wander around.

And a crowded museum ain’t it.

I really wanted to see the museums, but it’s abundantly clear that we need to wait until the fall, after school starts. Then maybe the crowds will be a little more reasonable.

The kid fell asleep as we walked around anyway, as it was way past his naptime.

We decided to head home for a bit to give all of us a chance to rest before J’s archery practice later. And then we headed back almost to the same place. Yeah, a little silly, but we were all pretty tired.

While J does his archery thing, the kid and I walk around. There’s a playground, but he’s still just a little too young for it. Too many bigger kids running around who wouldn’t watch out for him. But nearby there was a nice area of grass. I put his shoes on him and let him go.

Have I mentioned how much my child hates shoes? He’s a regular little hillbilly. His grandparents would be so proud! He’d much rather run around barefoot. But in a park where I don’t know what’s been in the grass, sorry kiddo, it’s shoes for you.

He didn’t walk much last week, but this time he took off. And when he gets to the sidewalk he really takes off, squealing and grinning the entire way. But after a while there were too many bicyclists zipping by. And with us so close to the sidewalk, it would be easy for him to jet out in front of someone.

So when he wouldn’t hold my hand, I had to put him back in the stroller. Did I mention the boy has quite an independent streak? Um, yeah.

DSCF1296.jpg

But really, can you resist that face? I don’t think so.

Category: spawn  2 Comments