I might be getting too old for this

Last night hubby and I did something we haven’t done in quite a while. We went out without the Boobah. My gracious and wonderful sister-in-law came over while we snuck off.

Okay, not really. But kindof. We quietly left, as the kiddo was already in bed. He never even knew we were gone. Yet I did. My heart did.

Let me back up. I have been looking forward to this outing for several days, ever since SIL said she’d come over. It was exciting. A date! Music! Libations! Motorcycle ride! The weather has been increasingly nicer. So much so that J has been riding the motorcycle to work. We used to go on rides all the time. I miss that. A lot.

I never realized how much I missed that time until we had a chance to go out. I don’t have a lot of people around who can babysit. I haven’t been building that network of people. I didn’t want to impose on the SIL, my best friend has been out of town for months and the daughter is just too busy. So we take turns going out to do things. Watch the daughter’s band. Meet up with friends. Or we just do things that can include the Boobah. It’s not that huge of a deal most of the time.

Until the daughter has a gig late at night. I have a hard time going out by myself that late at night. Meeting friends? Fine. Going solo? Different story, for me anyway. So we made plans to go together (and I worked up the courage to ask SIL to babysit).

And then, the night before, I started thinking. A little too much. I do that a lot. I tell myself I’m trying to cover all the bases, make sure I’m prepared. But the truth is, I worry. A lot. If I’m not careful, it can turn into a panic attack. So I start worrying about what would happen if, well, something… happened. J is an excellent careful driver. I trust him implicitly. But other drivers aren’t so careful about motorcycles. You hear about it all the time.

My worries can keep me from doing things, from enjoying things. From reaching out to meet new people, make new friends, find new business. From living.

So I sat on the back of that motorcycle last night, trying to quiet my fears. To just enjoy our time together. It eventually worked, but we were most of the way there before I could relax.

But we had a great time. Daughter’s band did a great job. We got to see her for a few minutes afterwards. It really was a nice respite, something we’ll have to indulge in more often.

As for hopping on the motorcycle without a care? Those days are over. It doesn’t mean I won’t get on the bike ever again. I love going up to Julian, out to the Hideout, and other places on the bike. It’s a lot of fun. But I have to think more carefully about it. And no matter how distasteful it is, we need to plan for the worst scenario. So I can worry a little less. And enjoy life a little more.

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10 Responses
  1. Julie @ the calm before the stork (13 comments.) says:

    I’m with you Becky. I think the pregnancy hormones actually permanently altered my brain. I was never super adventurous before, but now, I find it REALLY hard to let go and relax in previously do-able situations.

    I actually got nervous on the playstructure at the park today! It’s a really tall one. I just hope that I can keep my fears under my hat so that Jonah can just grow up brave without worrying about how I”m feeling!

    I told you how when I traveled in rural southern New Mexico I was constantly calculating our relative distance at any given time from the city with the children’s hospital? Oy.

    Sounds like you had a nice time though!

  2. Skye (10 comments.) says:

    Part of the way to relax is actually to go out (even on the motorcycle!) enough times that it seems more normal, which I know is hard in your situation. You were used to doing it before he was born, now it seems like an unusual thing and I think that makes it more scary.

    Skye’s last blog post..After a night with a fevered toddler…

  3. becky says:

    @Julie – like Skye says, I think it’ll get a little easier if I do things like that more. Maybe. I’ll still worry. I’ll always worry. And yeah, I want Frankie to enjoy his time and not feel that I’m holding him back.

    @Skye – I’m working on making the effort more. Truly.

  4. marty (9 comments.) says:

    I’m really glad you got to go out like that. The bike would scare me too – hell, my husband drives a convertible and that scares me. What is that all about? Mommydom.

    And now I have to go try and figure out about some back story. Daughter and band . . .I’m so intrigued!

    marty´s last blog post..Right now. Right where I am.

  5. gorillabuns (2 comments.) says:

    i do have to say, after having kids, i worry way too much about the what if’s.

    gorillabuns´s last blog post..car shopping

  6. American in Norway (1 comments.) says:

    I am the SAME way! We went to Rome a couple of weekends ago & before we left I started to panic… If something happened to us what would happen to the kids…. I refused to go unless we had everything in stone… Hubby thinks i am a weirdo, but at least I was able to relax…

    (Great blog…-I’ll be back)

    American in Norway´s last blog post..I ♥ Faces POUTING

  7. Deconstructing Jen (1 comments.) says:

    I am very much the same way too. Since the kids and especially my second one, I just can’t do some of the riskier things I used to do. The risk is MUCH higher now it seems.

    Much be one of those darn growing up things. ;)

    Deconstructing Jen´s last blog post..photo overload

  8. becky says:

    @marty – i really wish the worrying wouldn’t get in the way so much. i don’t want to pass my fears on to him. and the daughter? not sure that’s anywhere in these archives (i still haven’t moved over my old ee posts). i’ll try to write about that sometime.

    @gorillabuns – and with 3, i’m sure it must be worse for you.

    @american in norway – i enjoyed reading about your trip to rome. must be so nice to be close to so many amazing vacation and historical spots!

    @jen – i’m working on that balance between being a grown up and not completely giving up everything. i’m enough of a recluse as it is!

  9. StickMommy (1 comments.) says:

    The first time I had to leave the Muffin Man, we went out to go car shopping. The darn “used car salesman” kept dragging it on and on (and on and on…). I kept flipping open my phone to look at the time. He finally looked at me, narrowed his eyes (he was still irratated with me when I snickered at him for telling me that the VERY used Yukon XL was going to be $30k) and asked me, “if I had somewhere to be.” I said, “YES! You are taking too damn long. My baby is at daycare on base, and I’m sitting HERE! Call us when you have a better deal.” We walked out (well, I ran).

    Used-car-salesman called us before we even got back to base! Voila! New(er) car for a WAY better price! Woot!

    New car AND I didn’t completely lose it, without my Muffin Man!

    Now to try this sometime with the diva (the leaving, not the car buying.)… She’s 10 months… I’ve got to get away at some point!

    StickMommy´s last blog post..Pictures

  10. becky says:

    @StickMommy – haha, good for you! i swear walking out is one of the most effective tactics for car buying. how sad is that?

    i honestly don’t remember the first time i left the boy to get away, but i can pretty much guarantee it wasn’t until i had to go back to work. i think i did a practice run with daddy watching him for an hour. and it killed me! but now that he’s 18 months, it’s easier. but i still mostly leave him with daddy.