I don’t think my family is complete

J and I have had many discussions recently about our family. I want another baby. He’s on the fence about it. That decision was almost made for us recently, as I’m pretty sure I was briefly pregnant. Just long enough to start feeling it, knowing something’s different. Just enough to adjust mentally to the possibility, and start getting used to it. Just long enough to start thinking about how our lives could change, and what we’d need to do.

And then? Nothing. A very late, odd period. Not the usual (I will spare you the details of how it wasn’t the same). So while it’s not 100% certain, and there’s no way now to really confirm it, my body was telling me something.

And I believed it. And I wanted it so badly. I did. Still do. I was left with the feeling that our family is not yet complete. We still have someone else to meet.

But nothing’s ever simple. I had a lot of problems last time. It was not easy. Not for me, and not for J. He had to worry about losing me. I don’t really think that was an issue, but that does not mean that fear was not real. And if I get pregnant again, that fear comes back.

I had excellent care. My doctors were fabulous, keeping good tabs on both me and the baby. When my blood pressure went up just a little bit, they made me go in for monitoring. When the baby was stuck in the birth canal and not making any progress, they went in to get him before he or I went into distress. The surgery was a little rough, but I was fine. Tired, but fine.

Every pregnancy is different. There are no guarantees. The next one could be easier. Textbook, even. My chances of diabetes again, though, are pretty good. So we don’t know. No one ever does, do they?

The question is – are we willing to take that risk?

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21 Responses
  1. Jennifer (6 comments.) says:

    I know the feeling. At least the knowing something was different and then it was gone. Strange feelings of mourning for something your couldn’t prove ever existed. Somehow that doesn’t make it less real.
    My family is complete, but I will always wonder about the one that might have been.
    Best of luck for you in whatever you decide.

    Jennifer’s last blog post..Congratulations Palin Family

  2. melanie (6 comments.) says:

    I had a really weird period too recently and wondered the same thing – although I have been pretty careful paranoid about getting pregnant. That being said, I feel the same way about our family not being complete – there is still one more person who needs to come and join us (just not too soon). My surgery scared the crap out of my husband and he isn’t keen on watching me go through that again. Good luck!

    melanie’s last blog post..Three guesses on what preoccupied my life in 2008

  3. fidget (1 comments.) says:

    Pregnancy is a hard thing for me but even after 4 children and several losses, I know our family is not complete yet. My husband is scared about the what ifs but I recently spoke with a doctor about my clotting disorder and how I might fare through another pregnancy or two and he very much put my mind at ease about it.

    I have to say, I tried to be done at 3 but when it came time fir The Hubster to get the big V, I was a sobbing mess. After 4 came along quickly and unexpectedly, I thought I might feel complete but funny how things work, he seemed to open my heart to many more…

    fidget’s last blog post..Happy New Year

  4. becky says:

    @jennifer – I was floored by how hard it hit me. I wasn’t expecting that at all.

    @melanie – My husband wasn’t too thrilled about my surgery either. He saw them pull the baby out and then waited for him to breathe and for me to get sewn back up. Not exactly a great time, but the result sure was worth it.

    @fidget – I’ve been thinking about contacting my OB for a consult about whether it is wise to try to get pregnant again. Maybe that’ll help put both of our minds at ease.

  5. Aubrey (1 comments.) says:

    Hello! Coming over from SITS! You roll called right above me!

    Wow. Such a tough decision. My husband and I debated back and forth for years about having another baby. I always felt our family wasn’t “complete”. I’m sorry about your complications. Talk to your Drs. I think that is the best, first step!

    Aubrey’s last blog post..2009, so far, so fine

  6. andrea (1 comments.) says:

    I’m very sorry. Even if you weren’t 100% sure, you know in your heart. That must be very difficult and I’m sorry for your loss.

    I am just stopping by from SITS to say hello.

    andrea’s last blog post..A post full of random thoughts…

  7. becky says:

    @aubrey – thanks for coming by. We do still have a lot of discussing to do, I think.

    @andrea – thank you for your kind words.

  8. Shalet (1 comments.) says:

    It’s a tough place to be. As one who has three kids (one more than originally intended) I still get those occasional urges to have more; especially since I have many friends with babies. But I was also incredibly lucky to have three normal pregnancies.

    I hope you find what makes you happy!

    Shalet’s last blog post..How to Spend a Winter’s Day

  9. tiffany (1 comments.) says:

    It is so clear how much your husband loves you. As much as they love our children, we are first and what an amazing feeling! Is there anyway that you and the hubs could go visit your OB together? Just for a talk? You can all sit down and discuss the circumstances of the last pregnancy and put in place a plan, try to answer the “What If’s?”

    We are so so so NOT done either. We have Prayse right now but there are definitely some brothers and sisters waiting for us to meet them. Someday.

    (Love your blog by the way!)

    tiffany’s last blog post..Time For Something New

  10. aftercancer (1 comments.) says:

    While my husband and I were discussing whether to have another baby I got pregnant. Sometimes the choice is made for you. The good news is I had gestational diabetes with my first pregnancy but not with my second. Here’s hoping that if you have another you have nothing but good luck and health.

  11. becky says:

    @shalet – thank you.

    @tiffany – that’s a good idea. thanks.

    @aftercancer – truly, it is sometimes a moot point. here’s hoping if we do add to our family that it will be a smooth, non-gd pregnancy. someday. :)

  12. Louisa (2 comments.) says:

    WOW! This is a huge decision, I hope that you and your husband can come to a united place as to a way forward. I think contacting your OBGYN to talk it through is a great idea. It will surely help to have those medical facts as you make your decision.

    Louisa’s last blog post..You’re Doing a Great Job!

  13. tara @ kidz (1 comments.) says:

    It’s not an easy decision, but the right things will happen. Good luck!!!

    tara @ kidz’s last blog post..Wintertime Fun

  14. becky says:

    @louisa – thank you. we’re taking our time to talk about it.

    @tara – i didn’t think it would be this hard. but there it is. that’s okay. we’ll manage to figure it out at some point.

  15. Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah (6 comments.) says:

    You will know what is right.

    Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah’s last blog post..The Perfect Set Up

  16. Chefdruck (2 comments.) says:

    It’s amazing how quickly your body can feel the pregnancy and how it heightens that need, that want, that hunger to feel pregnant. I thought we were done at 3, but my baby is now getting to be such a toddler at 2 1/4 that I’m beginning to have that hunger for a little one. With each year that we get older, it gets scarier though. Beautifully written post. I love the clean yet elegant design of your blog.

  17. Laura Lohr (3 comments.) says:

    We decided in early 2007 to try for another baby. My husband had a reverse vas in June (on my birthday!) and we have been trying, despite my high risk, scary, crazy, bed rest pregnancy. It is a tough decision, but I feel that if it is meant to be, it will happen the way it is supposed to. After our tumultuous pregnancy, we thought we would never have more children, but I had that same, “our family is not complete” feeling.

    Good luck, whatever you decide. I will be following along to see where it all leads you!

  18. Michelle Gartner (1 comments.) says:

    I have five kids my family is complete and I know it. We had two boys in the early mid 90′s and then suddenly about 7 or 8 years ago- I knew our family wasn’t complete. Our first try I had an ectopic that resulted in emergency surgery. I thought we were done- that this was it. Then we had Terry 3 years after that and we hadn’t planned him. Then came Senja and I thought finally a girl and now I am done. Then in the middle of my grieving for my Dad going to hospice and then quickly dying I found out I was pregnant again. I thought augh I don’t want to deal with this. Usually I am at the OB right after the first blip of anything and so excited. I finally went to my doctor at five months and he was like what are you doing here? I said I know I don’t know what I am doing here- I am having a baby I guess.

    Then comes along Julian and I am in love with him. We didn’t even have a name for him until a week or two later. Now he is about 15 months old… my family is complete. These things they work themselves out in very mysterious ways. I have never been happier in my life with my five kids and no one ever thought I would even have kids, because I was an only child and kind of introspective and driven. Thanks for dropping by.

  19. Julie @ the calm before the stork (13 comments.) says:

    My heart to you on the loss and double hearts for finding the path that’s right for you and your family.

    Julie @ the calm before the stork’s last blog post..words words words (and more words)

  20. marty (9 comments.) says:

    I’m so sorry, Becky. We just lost a pregnancy at five weeks last week. Barely even had time to get used to the idea, and poof.

    I think the idea to go see your OB is an excellent one. I hope you can find some peace about it – and I hope you get to see your family grow.

    marty’s last blog post..2009 – The Year of the Mom

  21. becky says:

    @sarah – i hope so.

    @chefdruck – thanks. i keep seeing all these bloggers who are pregnant. tons of them due next summer. it doesn’t help the longing.

    @laura – i hope things work out for you, too.

    @michelle – i’m also worried about my age. at 35, i know the problems can start increasing from here on out. and my husband is 12 years older than i am. we don’t want to be older parents – i just don’t think we’d have the energy.

    @julie – thanks. doing okay. just some navel-gazing.

    @marty – yeah, i know exactly what you mean. and i think it’s time to make that appt. (ps – glad you’re back!)