When words fail

I have so much going on in my head right now. It’s hard to make sense of it all myself, much less put it in order for anyone else.

I’m fine, hubby’s fine, baby’s fine. Just busy, and trying to find my way through all of the crap in my head.

We’re waiting to see how much my insurance will be on COBRA. Should find out sometime soon. I am dreading that letter, as I expect it to take everything I’m making right now – and possibly more.

Still trying to find a way to get it all done. It never gets done, but I’d like to get a better handle on things.

Baby is slowly weaning himself. Down to one feeding a day, for a very short time. On one side. Joy. He’s crawling. Standing with support. Even taking steps with support. Chattering every day, although I’m not sure I recognize any particular words as being associated with things.

He’s funny – LOVES to laugh. He thinks it’s hysterical to smack our faces and shoulders. He doesn’t do it hard, so I’m not worried about him hitting us. And he’s ticklish. LOVES bread. He will eat bread until he’s stuffed. But he likes to cram as much as he can into his mouth. Has made for more than one scary moment. I’m not sure how many of these incidents I can take.

And let’s not talk about the fall off of the bed. Mommy guilt, big time. And I wasn’t even in the room. I don’t want to relive it right now. Later this week, maybe. He’s fine. No cuts, scrapes, or broken bones. Just shaken up – all of us. Lots of little things like this have added up over the past week into my nerves being shot.

Oh, and I’m really torn about wanting to have another child. J says no, because of how hard it was on me. I don’t know. It was rough. I love this kid and don’t want to lose any time with him. But I want him to have a sibling close to his age. I want more baby toes to munch, heads to sniff. Yet we don’t have a lot of time. I don’t want to be trying after I’m 40. It’s just not for me.

A lot of conflicting feelings that I haven’t sorted out. I may write a little more on them later to help me work through this a little better.

Any of you with more than one struggle with the decision for a 2nd? Are struggling right now?

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5 Responses
  1. Christina (3 comments.) says:

    I relate to so much of what you said — even when he took a fall, and I have not spoken to anyone (except Greg) of that. Horrible. HORRIBLE.

    I know I built my family a little bit differently, but there was just no question about having a second. When we could, we dove in. It was after she came home that I started having pangs of guilt about whether it was fair to Aidan, the time and attention that was being taken away, or Peaches, because I tended to favor Aidan initially. It lasted almost two months. I sought counseling because of it. I feel like it’s a win for everyone.

    Now we’re seriously contemplating a third. I’m thinking after Winter they may well have another brother or sister. Insanity, thy name is Christina.

    Christina’s last blog post..Daily Tweets

  2. Ashley (4 comments.) says:

    I do. And am. Struggling, I mean. When daughter was born, in 2006, I looked at my husband and said, “Not another.” I held her/nursed her/didn’t sleep for over a year. I was emotionally distraught. And I loved her so much, too, but I mourned for the loss of my sanity—it isn’t a joke.

    I guess my words of wisdom here are: give it some time. I am def. more in a frame of mind to make a better choice now than I was earlier. I am leaning toward getting pregnant again, but I have promised myself that I won’t do it out of “I don’t want her to be an only child” fear. At just over 2, she is darling and the light of my life. At 1, she was darling and about the most stressful thing I’ve ever been through.

    Hard work, it is. BUT IT GETS EASIER. Promise.

    Ashley’s last blog post..The zoo: It’s not always about the animals.

  3. becky says:

    @Christina – hey, if my health and age weren’t an issue, I’d totally be up for 2 or 3. it would be different if i were about 10 years younger. i’m just so torn. i love this little guy so very much. i don’t want to split my attention from him. i do it enough now with work. speaking of that, how will i handle TWO and be able to bring in any type of income at all? i knew things would be different, and harder. but still? HARD!

    @Ashley – i wouldn’t change having him. yet i still mourn my life a little. i went straight from being in school and unable to do anything/ go anywhere to being at home with a baby. still not going anywhere/ doing anything. i should have taken a break. but that damn bio clock is a bitch. i wouldn’t trade a minute with this little guy. two would be even harder, given how long it is taking me to adjust. hubby would like a little of his wife back and i don’t blame him! but i don’t know how to change it, either.

  4. Skye says:

    I’ve lost count of how many falls and spills M. has taken, including off the bed last week and landing on his head. Oops, is CPS reading this?

    I think you’re going to be hard pressed to work very many hours while #1 is awake once he’s running around the house – with two, it would be just during naps (which they might or might not take at the same time) and after they go to bed. And I know you’ve said you’re trying not to get into the habit of working all night.

    Visiting my sister and her three kids made me totally fine if we only end up with one. Want to make a trip up there, I could arrange it? ;) Not to belittle your feelings, esp. since I’m still secretly hoping we’ll adopt another (girl) later on.

  5. becky says:

    yeah, skye, he’s crawling all over right now, but i have a playpen broken in two and at each end of the room. he’ll be able to knock it over once he’s walking, though, or even just pulling himself up to standing. i’ll have to change my tactics then, i’m sure.

    i have absolutely no idea how i’d do it with two. yet i still think i want another. and these 5 or 6 pm bedtimes aren’t going to last forever. i have to find a way to be more efficient with what little time i do have. stop goofing around so much. i think i can do it if i get rid of a few extra things that aren’t really worth the time.

    i should babysit my friend’s little one with our guy and see how it goes to have two to chase around. maybe that will help. :)