I am a disappointment

The person I admire most, the one person who can make or break me with just a word, has basically let me know that all of my efforts are for naught. I’m doing everything I can to keep afloat, and it’s not good enough. I’m working my tail off, realizing I can’t be all things to all people, but trying to keep everyone happy. And I’m failing. As a wife, a mother, a writer, a person. Failing.

I want to cry and throw up all at the same time.

Because no matter how hard I’ve been trying to keep it all together, no matter what I do, my efforts are invisible. Useless. Ignored. Everything’s my fault, even though I can’t control others’ reactions to things. Even though I can’t really make or break someone’s happiness, because it’s up to them, the responsibility has been laid at my feet anyway. And I’m failing.

I’ve tried many things, but it’s never enough. It’s never the right thing. I’m spent at the end of the day after trying to get my work done and take care of the kid and even occasionally do a little housework or cook dinner. It’s all too much for me. There are too many things left undone, and not enough of me left over.

I don’t know how to fix it. I’ve always been a fixer, but I just don’t know how to fix me.

You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.
6 Responses
  1. jennster (9 comments.) says:

    but what if it’s not you? what if it’s not you at all… what if it’s the other person? why does it have to be you? because they said so?!?!

    HUGS. and smooches. with tongue.

    jennster’s last blog post..weddings

  2. marty (1 comments.) says:

    I feel like I haven’t been here with you long enough to say something relevant, but I’m here now and listening.

    And I know these feelings. They suck.

    I’m sorry.

  3. Ashley (4 comments.) says:

    *Sigh*

    Hang in there. Sounds like a tough time.

    Ashley’s last blog post..Did she have fun?

  4. Tessa says:

    I just happened on your site today and read this and thought “wow, that could be ME writing that.” It sounded all so familiar on so many levels. I know it won’t help you (like it doesn’t help me) to be reminded that it’s not you, it’s them (or him or whoever it is.) But the fact of the matter is that it IS them, not you. I am so tired of being made to feel responsible for the happiness and well-being of someone who is quite old enough to ensure those things for himself. I don’t even know you, but I can tell you this with some assurance: you are decidedly NOT a disappointment or a failure. And anyone who can see what you’re trying to do and still look at you and call you that doesn’t deserve the time it took for you to type the post or for me to read it. There. I feel better.

  5. becky says:

    @jennster – thank you girl. *mwah* it’s a combination of things, really.

    @marty – thanks. i do appreciate your kind words.

    @ashley – thanks. hoping it will get better. i think it is.

    @tessa – thank you, tessa. i just feel that way sometimes. it is partially me, partially someone else. but their comments did prompt it. we’re talking it out, though, and it’s already a bit better.

  6. [...] am a disappointment to everyone – yeah, I know what you mean. I once felt that way, too. But you’re not really. And neither am I. Just do the best you can. And I’m sorry [...]