Archive for » September 21st, 2008«

I am a disappointment

The person I admire most, the one person who can make or break me with just a word, has basically let me know that all of my efforts are for naught. I’m doing everything I can to keep afloat, and it’s not good enough. I’m working my tail off, realizing I can’t be all things to all people, but trying to keep everyone happy. And I’m failing. As a wife, a mother, a writer, a person. Failing.

I want to cry and throw up all at the same time.

Because no matter how hard I’ve been trying to keep it all together, no matter what I do, my efforts are invisible. Useless. Ignored. Everything’s my fault, even though I can’t control others’ reactions to things. Even though I can’t really make or break someone’s happiness, because it’s up to them, the responsibility has been laid at my feet anyway. And I’m failing.

I’ve tried many things, but it’s never enough. It’s never the right thing. I’m spent at the end of the day after trying to get my work done and take care of the kid and even occasionally do a little housework or cook dinner. It’s all too much for me. There are too many things left undone, and not enough of me left over.

I don’t know how to fix it. I’ve always been a fixer, but I just don’t know how to fix me.

Grandparents, prepare thyselves

Tomorrow the boobah and I leave to go see my parents. We’re flying. Again. This kid has been on a plane more times already than I was my first 24 years of life.

But since we’re down to one breastfeeding session a day, that won’t be a big issue. But we will be traveling during naptimes and feeding times, which could get really ugly.

I’m trying to figure out what will work for a decent meal on the plane. And hope that he’ll get to sleep a little before we take off so he won’t be completely crabby while we sit on the runway.

My husband keeps telling me that traveling isn’t that bad. And it’s not, yet it is. It stresses me out. Always has. Add to that my worries about keeping the kid safe, fed, and mostly happy, and I’m stressed to the max. I hate traveling solo with the kid. I do.

Yet I do it anyway, because how else are his grandparents going to get to see him? more…