Bad days are inevitable

I found out on Thursday that I am officially out of a job in just a couple of weeks. I knew this was coming, but it just wasn’t concrete. Someone has accepted a job offer and that means my time must come to an end.

I’ve had time to get used to it. Hell, I’m the one that gave notice, right? It’s still tough. I worry about being replaced. What if this person is so much better than me that they wonder why this didn’t happen years ago? And why does that matter to me?

I worry about our finances. That steady income was important to me. I’ve never ventured out on my own because I like to plan. I like stability. I like to know what’s coming financially. Oh, and I like insurance, too.

I worry about having to take way too much work just to bring in the money we need. I’m afraid I’ll actually need to work more than 40 hours to cover our expenses. J has offered to work more hours and find an evening job. If he does that, though, how do I get my work done and still feel like I’m giving the boy the attention he needs?

The whole point is to be here with him. To be present, to enjoy him. How can I do that if I’m constantly worried about money and scrambling to find work. And not just any work. The work that pays well. I know I am a great worker, but the job market is tough. Where do I find the money?

And then I read this: Playing the Money Game. I really hope that I can find that attitude. The openness to finding the work that pays me a decent living wage. Enough work to pay our bills, get out of debt, and move. And enough pay so that I’m not killing myself with 60 or more hours from home just to equal 30 in the office. I need to find the confidence to ask for what I know I’m worth. And to be okay with someone not wanting to pay that, as long as I can find the people who do.

Everyone keeps telling me it’ll work out. I sure hope so. I can’t help but worry. It’s in my nature. I am just like my dad in that regard. We tend to worry – sometimes to our detriment. I’m trying so hard not to let my fears take over. It’s tough.

So I’ve been emotional all weekend. There’s a sense of finality that wasn’t there before. This job has meant a lot to me. I got married, graduated, had a baby – all while working there. It’s the longest job I’ve ever had, and the one I have enjoyed the most. In fact, I’ll be leaving just a couple of days after my job anniversary. It’s all so surreal. I’ve never jumped without a safety net before. God help me, I am now.

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5 Responses
  1. Steve Pavlina (1 comments.) says:

    If it’s your nature to worry, then spend your time worrying that something good might happen unexpectedly. Worrying about the bad stuff that never happens is boring and circular. It’s also kinda amateurish if you’re a skilled worrier.

    If you want to get really good at worrying, start worrying about the good stuff. What if I stumble upon a way to make double the money my old job paid in half the time? What if I love spending time with my kid? What if I accidentally become really happy and can’t shake it? OMIGOD! What will I do then?

    If you’re going to worry, then make sure your worries are worthy of you. Worrying about how you’ll pay the bills is lame. Instead, try worrying about what might happen if you get more than what you ask for. What would that do to you?

  2. canape (7 comments.) says:

    That is really scary. I got fired right after I got separated and had to refinance my house by myself to get my ex off the mortgage. That was so not fun. And insurance? Scary times 100. That was only 3 years ago, and I am in such a better place now it’s not even funny.

    I haven’t known you long, but I have the distinct feeling that you are going to come out way ahead of all of this. Sometimes a push off the cliff is all we need to learn how to fly.

    canape’s last blog post..The house hunting continues

  3. Heather (1 comments.) says:

    I understand your worries. My daycare suddenly gave notice when my first son was a baby. I couldn’t find anything affordable enough to make working worthwhile, so I quit. I was worried. I think that’s pretty natural. We go through that and then we move on to a sense of peace, knowing it will somehow work out.
    Now I have a second son and am still at home, no extra income from me. It really does work out, miraculously every month, we get by.
    Thank you for your honesty,
    Heather

    Heather’s last blog post..Exclusive Interview

  4. becky says:

    @steve – it’s funny you mention that. I guess I’m a little scared of hoping for good things, like if I think about them they’ll disappear like a faint wisp of smoke. It’s something you can only see out of the corner of your eye – look directly at them and they’re gone. But maybe my problem is that I just haven’t been dreaming big enough. Thank you for your article and your subsequent comment. I do need to change the way I think and stop letting worry cripple me. It starts today.

  5. becky says:

    @canape – I would have never quit my job to become a writer had I not been forced to make a decision. I easily could have stayed within my comfort zone. I think we’ll bring in enough money to get by, although I’d much rather earn enough to be comfortable – and afford insurance even if it is pricey. It may take some time before we’re where we want to be. But this actually frees us up to move to a cheaper place, as now I can work from anywhere.

    @heather – Daycare was a big part of my decision. It would have been over half of my salary to put him in daycare. I wanted to work part-time, but that didn’t work out. We need to adjust our spending habits for now, until we can get used to a tighter budget. And I just have to keep looking for the steady, good gigs. I have a couple that are quite nice, and enjoyable. I just need more like them. Thank you for stopping by. It helps me to know others have made it, and that we will, too.