I think maybe I suck just a little bit

I’m having one of those moments when I doubt my writing. No, not my professional writing. I enjoy that very much and I think I do a decent job most of the time. Need to know how to do something? No problem! Want my professional opinion on something? You got it!

It’s my writing. Here. A few people stop by now & again, say hello, and comment on what I’m writing. (By the way, HI! and Thank you!) And I do love it when they do. But I feel like maybe I’m not connecting with other women, other mothers, hell, other people the way I want to.

Actually, I’m not even sure what I want. Maybe that’s the problem. I want to write. I want people to read what I write and go “me, too!” and let me know that. Or let me know what’s going on with them. And it happens sometimes. (did I mention how happy that makes me? thank you so much. really. I love you. want to get some coffee? wait, where are you going?)

But I wonder what I’m doing wrong. Oh, sure, there’s not really any right or wrong when it comes to this thing, this writing a personal site where people can come and go as they please. I do write for myself, but I also want to connect. I want to have a community of friends, of readers who I can talk to, share things with, hear what works for them, hear their stories, too.

It’s a struggle, to know what I want to say, what I want to write about, and how to say it in an interesting way. Most of the time it’s straight out of my brain. And I don’t really know if that’s working, if it’s even comprehensible most of the time to anyone but me.

And I’m afraid to share the deepest part of me, my big fears and insecurities. I’m from a family that doesn’t do that. They don’t put that out there because other people will use it as gossip. And really, who wants their innermost thoughts the fodder for someone else’s criticism?

But I’m also afraid it’s stifling me. It’s keeping me from really digging deep and writing from my heart. I’m not hiding myself in any way, not being someone I’m not on here. I just don’t dig deep into my emotions. Because I’m not sure I know how. And right now I’m just so frustrated with myself, with all of this.

See, I don’t even know where I’m going. I just spit these things out all over my keyboard and leave them there. Had my writing gotten any better in the last five years? Even after finishing my degree? My business writing, certainly. But my (personal) writing? I honestly don’t know.

Category: babbling, me, me, me  Tags: , ,
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10 Responses
  1. Christina (3 comments.) says:

    Well, I totally relate to you. And your writing is very conversational and accessible, so really, um. As a reader and stuff who is just abysmal when it comes to commenting, I do enjoy your blog. And you’re my people.

    Christina’s last blog post..My kind of silly humor…

  2. becky says:

    Aw, thank you darlin’. You’re totally my people, too. *mwah*

  3. Bloggymommer (2 comments.) says:

    Hey Becky,

    Write a little about the difference between being a young-married-step-mom and being a fulll-time mom.

    I would imagine that your life is very different now.

    I think we’re all struggling to stay connected. I know I get frustrated because the social/communal payoff from blogging comes in ebs and flows, especially with the new domain name.

    Bloggymommer’s last blog post..Shake, Rattle and Roll

  4. becky says:

    That’s true, E, it is different now. I never pictured it this way, but it is going okay so far. And I’m pretty happy with it.

    It’s funny – I see a lot of moms connecting, and I’m getting there. But maybe there are just too many of us now, and it makes it harder to get around to everyone’s blog.

    Did you forward your old domain to the new one? I would think people will find you eventually, especially if you leave comments letting them know.

  5. jennster (9 comments.) says:

    i think we all go through this. i mean, we all want to hear the “me too!!!!” and the “oh i totally do that too”… i don’t get that a lot. i have a fair number of readers, but my posts don’t really inspire comments anymore. unless they’re dramatic, or some shit. i firmly believe that people come out of the woodwork when you NEED them… otherwise, if you’re just posting whatever pertains to your life, they don’t comment on it… either they can’t relate, or they don’t feel you need to hear anything. know what i mean?

    jennster’s last blog post..the opposite of an alcoholic

  6. becky says:

    Yeah, jennster, I do. Thank you. There are some bloggers who get tons of comments on every. freaking. post. I don’t expect that, necessarily. But I see traffic spikes on the days I’m in the BHads headlines, but few comments. I guess I’m just trying to figure out how to engage people a bit more. I want to feel a bit more of a sense of community. I guess it just takes more time. I’ll still be writing, even if it never happens.

  7. Julie @ the calm before the stork (13 comments.) says:

    Man, Becky! Me too. You totally said it. My recent post – linked to above – wherein I wondered over this issue similarly is probably my most-commented-upon post (albeit partly because I have one friend who writes her thoughts in 5 separate comments, but still…).

    Maybe the blogosphere has gotten too big? I know for me, I’ll have moments like tonight where I’ll click around, catch up with people, comment, and then nothing again for weeks, or ever. I think visiting other blogs and commenting has A LOT to do with building that community. It takes more energy than I have though. I could blame the baby, but really, I’ve always been more of a writer than a reader. Even as a journalist. I hardly read the papers I wrote for. Except when I was also proofreading for one of those papers, and then, the parts I got assigned to, I read.

    I do think that asking questions in your post can sometimes elicit more comments. Doubting myself also seems to bring out the typist in some people.

    And frankly, I think that drama/angst is stickier than anything else for readers. Except I know one blogger who is ALWAYS positive and she has thousands and thousands of subscribers. The thing with her is that she is riotously funny. Or maybe it’s just that at one time she found herself in the middle of a major religion-based controversy, and she built up a readership at that point, who then stuck. Because many blogs are interesting, and even well-written, but few get the requisite attention.

    Okay. That was a mouthful. Keyboardful.

    Tra la la…

    Julie @ the calm before the stork’s last blog post..sleep quotidien

  8. becky says:

    @julie – I think you’re right about going around and visiting other people. It’s true that between the kid and my job(s) I’ve had a lot less time to stop by and comment on other people’s blogs. And I guess if I don’t then why should they? I’m working on it, trying to make sure I visit the people I met at BlogHer, and leave comments when others comment on mine. So I’m trying. But it does take a lot of time to build that community. Time I don’t always have. It’s a catch-22.

    I guess I’m more of a reader, too. I lurk. So why am I surprised when others do the same? I’m not, in some ways. But I’m also a little frustrated because I’ve been doing this for 5 years. Others have been doing it for waaaaay less than that and they get a lot of interaction. So I’m wondering what the difference is. Is it writing style, subject matter? Or does that person go around to build their contacts? I don’t know why I’m agonizing over it so much.

    I did have a much higher readership when I first started and was all dramatic and angsty about my ex-husband. But I took that down long ago because I decided I didn’t want that much personal stuff out there. And yeah, I WISH I could be ridiculously funny. I haven’t figured out how, though. I’ve told people this a thousand times. I have fun and can joke around in person. We laugh a lot. But I just haven’t broken the code to putting it on paper and it frustrates the hell out of me.

    Thanks for your thoughtful comments tonight. It’s been fun to read them and think about things a bit. But now, back to work!

  9. flickrlovr (1 comments.) says:

    I totally understand how you feel Becky! Especially as a blogger that’s sort of ‘drawn’ to the humor and tales of other lobloggers that usually happen to be parents, it’s been really hard for me to find my niche…I still feel like I haven’t. All of the bloggers I’ve come into contact with have been wonderfully welcoming and sweet and supportive, but I feel like I just don’t have that ‘thing’ that makes people go “ooh! she’s hilarious! i’m so totally adding her to my reader!”

    I have noticed that the more time I put into commenting on other’s blogs, the more I get back…that’s sort of common sense-but it’s definitely true!

    I so appreciate when new people stop by my blog and comment, like you did, even if it was just because Mr Lady was there-and Mr Lady is freaking hilarious. Her writing style and her way of engaging with her readers is phenomenal. I wish I could be more like her! But I digress. Thank you so much for stopping by, and I’ll definitely add you to my bog roll and be back!

    Thanks!

    flickrlovr’s last blog post..An Open Letter to Asparagus

  10. becky says:

    @flickrlovr – You’re right about the commenting. The paradox has been that with a new baby, I haven’t had as much time to go around and comment and read everyone. And yeah, I should, just for the feeling of support that I get from it.

    I did stop by because Mr. Lady tweeted it, but I’ll be back to read some more of your stuff, too. It’s a winding road to finding new reads, that’s for sure. :)

    Thanks for stopping by!