It’s getting close. BlogHer happens next week. As it approaches, I’m inexplicably nervous.
I’m excited about seeing friends and representing Ask Patty. Juggling the kid and luggage and a stroller by myself and trying to take BART will be interesting, but I left myself plenty of time to handle it.
It’s the social thing. I don’t know if I can adequately explain it without sounding stupid or whiny or any more of a dork than I already am. I love to socialize with people I know. If I see an old friend, I’m more than happy to chat with them. It’s comfortable, to know people. And I will see plenty of people I know. I’m excited about that part.
But then there are the parties and people getting invited to private things and I suddenly feel like I’m the awkward girl in high school again. I want to belong, I want to be a part, but I’m just not quite good enough. And I know that. I know I’m not an A-lister or even known outside my circles. I get that. But when I start to see buzz about this party and that party, well, I want to go, too. I know they can’t invite everybody. And there will be parties that I *will* get to go to. I know that.
There’s still a tiny part of me that feels a bit left out. A bit “not good enough.” And here’s why. After BlogHer, I love to go around and read everyone’s posts about who they met and what they did. It’s so much fun. And there are always the posts about who people met and who they saw. I always make it a point to mention everyone I can remember and everyone who gave me a card.
And then I go around and read everyone. And none of them find me important enough to mention. Yeah, it hurts a tiny bit. Maybe I shouldn’t care, but I do just a little, deep down. Because they’re all nice when I’m there and talk about how much fun we had, yadda yadda. And I feel like I made friends (and I have, don’t get me wrong). But it’s almost like a contest to see which “big names” people can brag about talking to, seeing, and partying with. And yeah, I’m left sitting on the sidelines while everyone dances. I’m the one who was at the party, but no one remembers.
Right now, I’m having trouble with that part. I’m trying to concentrate on the goodness that I know I’ll see, the old friends, and the potential new ones.
It’s tough when who you are in person doesn’t quite translate to a blog, to a computer screen. Maybe it’s because I’m way more reserved here than I am in person. Because meeting people face-to-face is still different than writing online for me. I can tell you about my deep-dark fears, but if I write them down someone will inevitably use them against me. (And they have. Oh, how they have.)
ETA: I should add that I’m not talking about the official BlogHer parties. They are all-inclusive. There are other parties by sponsors, and things like that, which are exclusive. They invite people for whatever reason. Maybe someone they already have a relationship with. Those are the parties I’m talking about. And they have every right to invite whom they want. I get that. And there’s limited space, for certain. I know it’s not rational for me to feel left out. But I still do. I just like being a part of things. I think we all do.