Archive for » July, 2008 «

I think maybe I suck just a little bit

I’m having one of those moments when I doubt my writing. No, not my professional writing. I enjoy that very much and I think I do a decent job most of the time. Need to know how to do something? No problem! Want my professional opinion on something? You got it!

It’s my writing. Here. A few people stop by now & again, say hello, and comment on what I’m writing. (By the way, HI! and Thank you!) And I do love it when they do. But I feel like maybe I’m not connecting with other women, other mothers, hell, other people the way I want to.

Actually, I’m not even sure what I want. Maybe that’s the problem. I want to write. I want people to read what I write and go “me, too!” and let me know that. Or let me know what’s going on with them. And it happens sometimes. (did I mention how happy that makes me? thank you so much. really. I love you. want to get some coffee? wait, where are you going?)

But I wonder what I’m doing wrong. Oh, sure, there’s not really any right or wrong when it comes to this thing, this writing a personal site where people can come and go as they please. I do write for myself, but I also want to connect. I want to have a community of friends, of readers who I can talk to, share things with, hear what works for them, hear their stories, too. more…

Final thoughts on BlogHer – and links!

I had a few awkward moments at BlogHer. Who hasn’t? I was a total dork when I went up to Linda Lee from Parent Dish, babbling about how I knew her face from somewhere and realizing that it was her pic from the site. She smiled and thanked me for coming up and saying hello, but I’m pretty sure I saw a little bit of fear of ‘teh crazy’ in her eyes. Awkward. Having one blogger introduce me to another by asking if we’d met before. Second blogger said, “No. Hi!” and walked away. Awkward. One other blogger asked two of us (standing near each other) if we knew each other. Second blogger: No. Me: Well, we’ve met at past BlogHers. Her: Well, we’ve met but… Awkward.

Is it possible to have a good and slightly bad experience at the same time? Most of the women were cool, fun to talk to, awesome to be around. A couple of people just simply walked away from me. All these years and I didn’t realize I was that boring. Wow. Or maybe something shiny distracted them? It happens. I’ve been known to lose track of my thoughts and forget what I was doing (oh lordy, what has happened to my brain since giving birth? I swear!). I really just want people to like me and (pretend) to be as excited to see me as I am to see them. And you know what? Some of my friends did just that. So I’m trying not to think about the ones that didn’t.

In some ways I feel like this was my worst BlogHer (not the worst, MY worst – there’s a difference). I felt distracted and disjointed. I didn’t connect with as many people as I wanted to, although I did talk to plenty. I felt I had to keep running to check on the child. And at the parties I just couldn’t get around. It was too crowded to navigate with a stroller. And yes, I felt I had to take the stroller. I didn’t think I could carry around a 25 pound baby all evening long. I desperately wanted to mix and mingle like I did in past years. But it just wasn’t possible. And this year, my mommy duties came first. It was the first year for me that I had to juggle stuff like that and I’m not at all sure I managed to do it gracefully. more…

A little scared

A few days ago we were going about our business, all of us sprawled across our bed, enjoying some family time. We’ve recently started giving the boy a bit of apple juice in his bottle, to help with his, um, bodily functions. Transitioning to solid food can stop a kid up somewhat.

He was lying in between us, holding his own bottle. That’s a trick he’s been enjoying for a while now, although he’s been doing it more frequently in the last couple of weeks.

Something changed, something was different and it caught my attention. He made a strange noise. I looked up and he started flailing his arms, his face turning red. I grabbed him and sat him up and started pounding his back. He spit up some drool and juice.

And then he started breathing again. A little bit after that, so did I.

As I had reached for him, John noticed something off as well, telling me to sit him up right now. We both caught it at the same instant, this feeling that it – that something – wasn’t right. It was only a second or two, but that motion of grabbing him up and smacking him on the back is ingrained in my brain.

I didn’t panic. I didn’t freak out. I just did what I needed to do. It was later, as I thought about it, that I realized the gravity of what had happened, what could have happened. It reminds me that we need to be present and conscious when we’re with our children, and just be in tune with them.

Now that it’s all over, though, I’m glad he’s okay and that it was nothing major. Still, watching your little guy’s eyes go wide in panic when he can’t breathe? Not good times. Having him laugh and smile just moments later like nothing happened? A lot better.

Closing doors

I lost a gig this week. It happens. Things come and go. Sites are up, then down. That’s what happens in a freelancer’s world. When something ends, you find another.

I had a feeling it might be coming when we started hearing about scaling back budgets. Again, it happens. Even though you have a feeling something is coming, even though you think you’re prepared, it can still hit you harder than you thought.

So yes, Aisledash is closing August 1st. And let me tell you, the group of women at that site were are amazing. I had so much fun exchanging thoughts, ideas, and just crazy emails with them. And even though I wasn’t a part of the site that long, I met some amazing, hardworking, funny women.

I found myself way more sad than I expected to be. And if I’m sad, then Susan must be even more so. She really put her heart and soul into making that site work. She was a fabulous manager and I only hope that our paths will cross again. Because anyone who cries over her people losing their jobs before she cries over her own? Is alright with me.

I do have other things in the works, so I’m really hoping that it’ll all work out in the end. I think it will.

The good and bad of conferencing with a baby

Traveling with a baby sucks donkey balls. I’m just sayin’. There’s really no easy way to go about it, especially when you’re flying solo and your child is too big to carry in a sling for more than 5 minutes.

And babies need a lot of crap, so you pack twice as much – maybe three times as much – crap and then have to lug around said crap.

Yet I am so grateful that I get to go to a conference that is so baby-friendly. I would have missed my little guy terribly had I gone without him. I will do things differently next year, that is certain.

I found I needed child care MORE during the evenings. I didn’t have a backup person with me (like, ahem, some people). I wanted to go to the cocktail parties to see people that I didn’t get to see during the day. Visit a little. Schmooze, if you will. more…

Conferencing can be exhausting

I cannot believe how tired I am right now. I think I’m more exhausted this year than I was last — and I was pregnant then!

Baby was awesome at daycare. He totally rocked it. I checked in several times during the day, and the ladies there just loved him. Said he was golden. He hit a wall around 4.15 or so, which I totally expected. I had stopped in just before that, so I was ready. I fed him then took him out. So I would say that was a successful first day at daycare. Yay!

No way I could do that every day. I missed him too much. It was a nice break, but at the same time, I was constantly thinking about him and worrying about him. He was fine, though. I was the crazy one.

There’s a lot going on. Different vibe this year. I think my favorite year was San Jose, because there was an outdoor area near the pool where everyone could hang out. There’s just not a central hang-out spot here. It makes it a little harder to network and find the people you were hoping to meet. It’s tough to find the perfect venue – the one in San Jose had its own issues, too. more…

Just not ready for this

Ha, you thought this was going to be another BlogHer post, didn’t you? Well it’s not! Sort of. Mostly.

We’ve started my son on solids, and it’s actually going pretty well. And that works well for our trip this week, as he’ll be in day care Friday and Saturday. So solids? Will be most helpful while I’m away from him.

He’s taking to the food quite well. He is like a little bird, opening his mouth just as far as he can, waiting for the spoon to hit his mouth. It’s the CUTEST thing.

So I breastfeed him in the morning and at night, and I’ve been trying to keep him to solids during the day. I thought a partial wean would be just about the right timing for him. But deep down, I’ve been wondering if I’m ready for that. I THINK I am. It would be nice to have my body back. more…

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Something BlogHer this way comes

It’s getting close. BlogHer happens next week. As it approaches, I’m inexplicably nervous.

I’m excited about seeing friends and representing Ask Patty. Juggling the kid and luggage and a stroller by myself and trying to take BART will be interesting, but I left myself plenty of time to handle it.

It’s the social thing. I don’t know if I can adequately explain it without sounding stupid or whiny or any more of a dork than I already am. I love to socialize with people I know. If I see an old friend, I’m more than happy to chat with them. It’s comfortable, to know people. And I will see plenty of people I know. I’m excited about that part. more…

What independence day means to me

Today, my first independence day with the little guy, was quite pleasant. We slept in while daddy went to work. And took an afternoon nap. Then we all walked down to the park to take in a little bit of the community party. Our boy was fascinated by all of the goings on, watching all of the people walk by, hearing the music play.

J took the boy around for a walk. He stopped part way across the lawn to turn the boy around and carry him facing out so he could see everything. As they stood there for a moment, my heart caught in my throat. Those are my boys, I thought. And I was so happy to be able to say that.

I haven’t told my boy’s birth story yet, so many of you don’t know all that we went through to get him here. And I realize I need to do that while it’s still pretty fresh in my mind, so he’ll have a record of it some day. If we lived in any other time and place, any other era before the medical advancements we have now, it’s probable that neither the boy or I would be here. So I’m especially grateful to have these moments with him. more…

what do you say in times like these?

My mom just called to give me a family update. My aunt went to the hospital Sunday with some pain, and they thought it was a heart attack. Instead, they found pancreatic cancer. She underwent surgery last night, but they were unable to remove the tumor because it had attached itself to some blood vessels. And it’s malignant. The doctor rerouted some nerves and other things to make her more comfortable. She may have a year, but it’s probably less than that.

I don’t want to face this. I know it happens. And she’s in her 80s and says she’s ready. But it confronts me with my own parents’ mortality, and that’s the part that really terrifies me. No one wants to think about losing their parents. I don’t. I haven’t had them for nearly enough time. I haven’t known them as an adult and as a parent long enough. I have so much to learn from them.

And if my aunt goes, she’ll be the 2nd of 9. My uncle passed away about ten years ago, so we’ve had the rest of the siblings with us for quite a while. So it’s almost like losing the first one all over again. I have so many conflicting emotions running through me right now. But most of it is just sadness. I don’t know if I’ll get to see her again. And I could have seen her last month, but I didn’t take the time. I should have, because you just never know.

Category: family  Tags: ,  4 Comments