As the finality of my decisions sink in, I start to feel a tight knot form in my stomach. I’ve never gone without a safety net, without the comfort of a regular job and a steady income. As I look at our budget, and think about insurance for our little one, the panic starts to set in.
And then I can’t sleep at night and want to sleep all day. I don’t want to work (at the day job) because I feel paralyzed. Yet not working kindof defeats things, doesn’t it?
Right now, I don’t have enough work to cover us. Right now, I don’t know where our insurance is going to come from. Right now, I am trying to avoid a full-blown panic attack.
I have my moments where I’m sure this writing thing will work out. And other times, when I realize that I must double the income that I think I need (because of self-employment taxes, paying for our own insurance, etc.), I wonder where it’s going to come from. Where am I going to get enough steady work? How will I juggle that and spending quality time with my family without working 18-hour days? What the hell was I thinking?
And other times, I see the smile on my boy’s face and it all just melts away. But as zero-hour approaches, it’s getting harder and harder to feel so confident, so ready to take on the world.
I know we’ll make things work. It’s hard to tell my inner worry-wart to shut up, though. She has some valid points that get in the way of my dreaming bigger – dreaming about what I can do when I’m truly free to do it. And for once, I really want to dream instead of worrying. Don’t you?