Archive for » May, 2008 «

getting over the guilt

becky & sonI’m still struggling with the guilt over going back to work full-time. You see, my son has never spent time with anyone other than one of us. Never. He’s been around other people, but one of us has always been there. How am I going to just drop him off with someone at daycare? It all seems so sudden. I guess I should start during this month by dropping him off for a couple of hours just to get him used to it.

And just thinking about walking out the door without my baby? Still terrifies me. It has nothing to do with his wellbeing or safety. It has to do with my issues of letting go. Of not being there for him. I know I won’t always be there for him. But while he’s a baby, I feel I should. I want to. Heck, I need him more than he needs me.

Yesterday, I bought a couple of suits on sale. I’ve been needing to update my wardrobe. Some of my suits are, I’m ashamed to admit, ten years old. But today, buying those suits feels like an act of concession. It feels like I’m giving up. It feels wrong. more…

heart of devastation

me and my boobahThe honeymoon is almost over. I have to go back to work full-time in about a month. I wasn’t planning this. I wanted to stay part-time so I could be home with my boy. But with budget cuts, there are no funds to find me a part-time position. And the job I have is full-time. Therefore, if I want to keep it, I must work that schedule.

I haven’t been able to stop crying tonight. Just writing that started the waterworks again.

You don’t have to tell me that it’s not the end of the world. My head knows this. But my heart is completely torn asunder. Instead of being away from him a few hours a day, a few days a week, I have to be away from him about 9 hours a day. That is a huge change for me. Someone else is going to get to see him crawl, hear his first words, watch him develop his new skills. Hopefully that will be Daddy most of the time. And that’s great for both of them. But what about me?

This is killing me right now. The guilt, the frustration, the utter anguish. I just have no choice, and that’s the part that gets me. We need the insurance. I have to do this. And I don’t want to. I don’t know how I’m going to do this.

How am I going to do this?