just chillin’

the baby, resting in his daddy\'s armsThe kid and I spent most of the afternoon under the a/c. It was a tremendous help.

I’m trying hard to relax about all the things going on – work and money. But I’m still stressing about what we’re going to do. We’re trying to work things out. The kid still needs his shots and we have to work out childcare issues. Like I’ve said, he needs some transition into it – he’s never been left with anyone. We thought we could work our schedules out to where one of us was always here. But that causes problems with J’s job.

Daycare is so expensive. We’re talking about half my salary, people. Half! That’s why I wanted to work part-time. It’d be about the same but we could work out the coverage that way. We can’t for full-time work. Not unless J gets a different job or cuts way back on his hours to be home during the day. I’m not willing to ask him to do that. I’m the one who’s not ready to be away from our son.

I’m the one who is still dealing with the guilt and the panic at being away all day. I know moms do this all the time. And some even enjoy working outside the home. They need the social aspect. What I need is this fleeting time with my son. It won’t last forever. I’m just talking about needing 20 hours a week. It’s not so much! But the answer is no. It still kills me that someone else is dictating to me what I must or must not do. You must work full-time. You must not telecommute. You must not pass go or collect $200.

And the way our stupid health care system is, I’m forced to pry myself from my baby, all for the sake of insurance. How is that family friendly? How is that even right? I am a slave of insurance. And I have no way to break my shackles.

Note: When I talk about staying at home, I’m not talking about going without work. Our budget won’t tolerate that. I’m talking about finding work that I can do from home to supplement our budget, yet be close by when the kiddo needs me. To be able to take a coffee break, say hello to my son after his nap, to sniff that sweet, sweet head while I still can. There will be no lounging around. Heck, there’s barely time for housework much of the time. I am, and will be, a work-at-home-mom. There’s no other way.

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