heart of devastation

me and my boobahThe honeymoon is almost over. I have to go back to work full-time in about a month. I wasn’t planning this. I wanted to stay part-time so I could be home with my boy. But with budget cuts, there are no funds to find me a part-time position. And the job I have is full-time. Therefore, if I want to keep it, I must work that schedule.

I haven’t been able to stop crying tonight. Just writing that started the waterworks again.

You don’t have to tell me that it’s not the end of the world. My head knows this. But my heart is completely torn asunder. Instead of being away from him a few hours a day, a few days a week, I have to be away from him about 9 hours a day. That is a huge change for me. Someone else is going to get to see him crawl, hear his first words, watch him develop his new skills. Hopefully that will be Daddy most of the time. And that’s great for both of them. But what about me?

This is killing me right now. The guilt, the frustration, the utter anguish. I just have no choice, and that’s the part that gets me. We need the insurance. I have to do this. And I don’t want to. I don’t know how I’m going to do this.

How am I going to do this?

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13 Responses
  1. BrandyS says:

    I’m sorry this is so hard for you, Becky. I know that I was a better parent to my children because I worked, and I am thankful for the two caring women who helped raise both my babies to become the amazing young men they are now. The best advice I was given, more than 15 years ago with my first boy, was not to worry about missing “firsts,” because it doesn’t matter how many times he does it at daycare, what matters is the first time YOU experience it. My second childcare provider never told me about the “firsts” that she experienced with my littlest one; she let me enjoy the surprises of a new skill or word without feeling that mine was somehow diminished because it wasn’t the “first time.”
    Also, I know he was happy there with other children to play with, and that he really liked being with her, because I could see how easily he transitioned in and out each day. You will get through it, you will both survive, as long as you know that he is happy and well-cared for, no matter who he is with. *hugs*

  2. Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah (6 comments.) says:

    I wish I had some great advice. I don’t. I couldn’t do it.

    However, I do know this. While it will be hard to be away from him so much you will still be there for him and you will ALWAYS be his mom.

    Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah’s last blog post..Name Calling

  3. Suebob (1 comments.) says:

    Oh, sweetie, I’m so sorry. I don’t have kids but this is something that just KILLS me – I don’t know how anyone ever leaves a little baby to go back to work. I wish I could do something to make it different.

    Suebob’s last blog post..Barack Obama is talking to me

  4. Belinda (1 comments.) says:

    Ugh, I’m so sorry. I still feel the pangs every day, and my daughter is 5. I somehow manage to overlook the fact of how great she’s doing and still manage to feel sorry for myself.

  5. Nina (1 comments.) says:

    It’s really difficult in the beginning. I just went back to work three weeks ago and it’s just starting to feel routine now.
    Hang in there.

    Nina’s last blog post..Happy 5 Months, Ella

  6. Karianna (1 comments.) says:

    It will get easier. Coming home at the end of the day will be so sweet. You will have enthusiastic quality time with him and you’ll always be his mama.

  7. Liza (1 comments.) says:

    Women wear so many hats, like mother, employee, daughter and friend, and it is hard for the opposite sex to over fathom what we go through sometimes just to be all things to all people, and still be bright and happy at the end of the day. Our loved ones expect a lot from us, and I understand you are feeling overwhelmed by your obligations. At the end of the day realize that you are meant to be loved and cherished no matter if you can perfectly fulfill you duties at all times. I’ve been in your shoes exactly, and I’ve sought assistance from family and and friends. I even started looking online for web community support. I found this website called http://www.bewhoyouare.com — they have lots of inspiring words and advice to women like you and me. I frequent this site a lot and I recommend it to women like us.

  8. becky says:

    first, thank you ladies so much. thank you for stopping by and encouraging me. i really needed that. i’m crying less, although i still tear up when i have to talk about it. but i’m adjusting to the idea a little. i don’t want to, but i know i need to for my sanity. times like this are when i love this community so very much.

    @brandy – you and i have talked at length about this. i’m just one of those who wants to do it myself, no offense to terrific caregivers out there. you’re right – the important part is his first time with me. thank you for reminding me of that. and the socialization will be great for him, too. and maybe me, even.

    @sarah – i guess i’m just afraid that bond will lessen a little bit. i know it will over time, i just don’t want it to when he’s still so young.

    @suebob – thank you. let me pose with your stapler and it might lessen the pain a tiny bit. ;)

    @belinda – i’ll probably be right there with you. i’m hoping i’ll be able to work in some telecommuting or something.

    @nina – i’ve been lucky to be easing into it. i’m working part-time right now. but they insist that i must return full-time. we had originally agreed to that anyway, on this schedule. i was just so darn hopeful that we could work something else out. bleh.

    @karianna – my head knows this, but my emotions still resist.

    @liza – thank you. i will definitely check out that site. unfortunately, i put a lot of pressure on myself. i’ve always tried to be everything to everyone. and it’s damn tough.

  9. Eliza (1 comments.) says:

    so sorry you are going through this, it would be the hardest decision for any mom to decide. ;( Wishing you the best of luck.

    Eliza’s last blog post..Momma‚Äôs Coffee Break

  10. becky says:

    @eliza – thank you.

  11. rachel (1 comments.) says:

    Bless your heart. I’m so sorry that you’re having to make this decision, it must be heartbreaking. I hope you find some peace with this difficult decision.

    rachel’s last blog post..Blissfully Boy-sterous

  12. becky says:

    @rachel – thanks. i really am working on it. i suppose it’s silly to think that he won’t need me as much. we’re so close right now. i know over time it lessens, but i don’t want going to work to be one of the catalysts. i love how he leans into me when he’s taking a nap. how he strokes my arm when i lay my hand on his chest. how he always wants to drape his leg over mine when he’s sleeping. i’m afraid that will go away.

  13. [...] to deal with that, keep up with the writing I do have, keep up with my job and the stuff going on there, care for my son (and actually be present), and somewhere in there actually spend some time with my [...]