misspriss.org

A little over nine years ago I went to a little country & western dance place, at the behest of a girlfriend who likes to two-step. That night, I saw a girl I knew dancing with a handsome man who I’d noticed many times, but hadn’t gotten a chance to speak to. And I found my opportunity. I went up to said girl and asked her who she’d been dancing with. She was more than happy to introduce us. Ecstatic, even.

So she introduced us. We talked and talked. He asked me out. I turned him down. He gave me his number. I didn’t want to call him, so I gave him mine. He called the next night and asked me out again. My plans had canceled, so I decided to take a chance.

We saw each other every night after that. We were inseparable. Eventually, I moved in. In part, because I needed to get out of where I was. In part, because I was over at his place all the time anyway.

And now, we’ve been together nine years. We got married three years ago. And in November, we’ll have our first child together.

I love him more every day, even though I sometimes wonder how that’s possible, to love him more than I already do. Especially since I have a very short attention span. I do. And the fact that this man is so good to me, so kind, loving, funny (oh, the funny!), gentle, and genuine overrides my short attention. I can spend every day and night with him, and never get bored or sick of him.

I am a lucky, lucky girl.

Sure, I like time alone occasionally. I like to read uninterrupted. But I can talk to him about absolutely anything. And I enjoy him. Thoroughly. No, it’s not perfect. We’re not perfect. We get aggravated at each other. We fight over stupid things. But at the core is our love, and a deep abiding respect for each other. When the anger goes away, and we see reasonably again, there’s that love and respect reminding us how fortunate we are to be together.

I don’t know how I managed to find my soul mate in that big crazy world out there, but I did. And I am grateful every day. I cannot wait to introduce him to his child, and see his face when he sets eyes on him/ her for the first time. And I look forward to another 20, 30, 40 years—however many we are blessed with.

I am a lucky girl.

I just checked my unofficial school transcript. Actually, I’ve been checking it obsessively for the last 2 or 3 weeks. I keep waiting for my degree to post, to see that it really is official. And it finally is. I knew it would get there eventually. But this confirms what I was hoping…

CUM LAUDE, baby!

I really wasn’t sure I was going to make it, especially since the end of the semester was so rough. I was queasy, suffering from heartburn, and absolutely exhausted all the time. It was all I could do to keep up with 5 classes. It was my hard work in the beginning of the semester that helped me make it through. Without that, I never would have kept up with everything. I probably wouldn’t have passed all of them. But because I never allowed myself to get too far behind (in most of them, that is), I limped along. I passed. I barely met the cutoff for cum laude. But I did it. And I worked full time while taking classes full time.

People ask me how I could work 40 hours and take from 12-16 units. I don’t know. I just put my head down and plowed through. I signed up for classes, and then once I did that, I just forced myself to keep up. I didn’t have much of a social life during that time, but I managed to have fun once in a while.

And now I can tell others that they can do it, too. Maybe not 12 hours. Maybe only 3. But even 1 class puts you closer than you would be if you didn’t take any at all. “I’ll be OLD by the time I finish!” you say. So, you’ll be the same age even if you don’t.

If you are thinking about finishing your degree, hell, if you haven’t even started it, but are wondering if it’s worth it… I can tell you that it is. Go try it! Start out slow, ease into it. And then just keep going. Don’t take a semester off. Just do it. Slow and steady, and you’ll make it. And you’ll be glad you did. I am.

I bet I’ve been smiling more in the past few weeks than I have in the past few years. And it’s a great feeling.

I’m trying to ignore that niggling little voice that says if I am too happy, something will go wrong, something will break and change that. Instead, I’m trying to just enjoy the happiness for whatever it is, and however long it stays. And when you’re a worrier, like I am, that can be pretty hard to do. But… that said, I’m pretty excited.

I felt the baby move Wednesday.

I mean, really move. Enough to know that it’s not my imagination, it’s not gas. The kiddo was facing outside and kicking up a storm on at least two different instances. It’s not really noticeable from the outside. Yet. And it felt more like a little bubble popping up against the side (it’s hard to explain). I think s/he has turned around again, and is inward bound, because I’m not feeling as much as I was. That’s okay, as long as s/he manages to face back towards the front next Friday, so we can tell whether a girl or boy will be joining us in November. And until the kid has less room in there, I don’t expect to feel a lot.

So, movement! And we find out boy or girl next Friday! See, lots to smile about.

Now that I’m approaching the end of my 4th month, it’s getting to where I can’t really sleep on my back or stomach. So I sleep on my side a lot. But since we have a pretty firm mattress, my hips are starting to bother me. As it is, I already suffer from sciatica. And sleeping on my side all the time only makes it worse. I have wide hips. In the old days, they’d call them birthing hips. Maybe they still do, I don’t know. What I do know is that lying on my side throws my hip and knee joints out of whack. I can do it periodically, but I can’t predominantly sleep on my side.

So tonight we went to costco and picked up a memory foam mattress pad. My best friend has one, and her bed seems so much more comfortable than mine. I’m so hoping it’ll make things easier for me. And if I toss & turn less, then hubby should get more rest, too.

What we didn’t know was that it would come vacuum sealed and need to rest (for 24 to 72 hours – wtf?) while it comes back to shape. So we have it spread out on the bed right now. And it’s slowly expanding, like those fireworks we used to light as kids that went from a tiny, charcoal-like thing into a “snake”. Except the “snake” grew much faster than this mattress pad. And the “snake” didn’t smell funny.

Oh well. It’s ready when it’s ready. I just hope it helps my hips. I’m already practically hobbling around like an old lady. A good night’s rest will hopefully go a long way towards helping that. Either that, or J is going to banish me to the couch. Eh, at least I’d have the TV to accompany my insomnia.

notes from today, for later.

j’s birthday. relaxing, then went to greek fest. amazing food. lamb. olives. feta. bread. spanikopita. dolmades! hung out with a bunch of friends in the bar. 2 or 3 hours later, they decide to kick us out because we have kids w/ us. wtf? outside, music, dancing. wendy is so watchful & protective. it’s a nice side to her, as she totally babies me. she’s as excited about the baby as we are. she is definitely going to be the godmother (even though my family has never had that tradition). then, on to extraordinary desserts. line halfway down the sidewalk. but i had my carmel macadamia cheesecake. oh so good! it was a very nice day. tomorrow, we barbecue a drunken chicken for j’s birthday. and i’ll probably need to set up the computer (mac) for the kid.

more ideas for writing to follow:

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another idea.

kaitlyn’s going to a memorial service today. for a friend from high school orchestra. she looks so down and out right now. it wasn’t a close friend, but still someone she spent a lot of time playing music with. they don’t know the cause, it may have been her heart. that poor family!

as much as kaitlyn and i bump heads, i would be devastated to lose her. and john would be inconsolable. sometimes i wonder, by my behavior towards her, if i really care for her. i could show it better. but times like this remind me of how much i do love her. no matter what, she’s my kid. i get frustrated at her laziness and self-centeredness. gee, my parents probably did too. she’s on autopilot all the time and it drives me nuts. but i do love her to distraction. she’ll always be mine, just like she’ll always be her father’s and her mother’s too. as infuriating as she is sometimes, she’s a great kid. hell, she’s a woman now. and i’m so lucky to have had a part in raising her.

i sure as hell hope i can be little more even keeled and mellow with the next one, though. for both our sakes.

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U kno im excited 2b preg but ill miss getting 2 do a lot of stuff 2. Am i ready 4 this?

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letters to baby

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Idea-high sch crushes my desire 2b liked awkwardness & why i had 2 date someone fr outside. I wasnt stuck up-i just wanted 2b liked.

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oh, yeah! the guy at breakfast this morning. overflowing water pitcher, john goes and stops it. the guy says, “only a man would notice that” and john and i just looked at him, then looked at each other. we had both been watching it and talking about it, because the waitress was called back to someone’s table. and then she got busy and forgot it. he walked around the counter, because he was closest and it was almost at the end of the counter anyway, and starting to spill on the rest of that counter. and then the guy said something about a take-charge attitude. we just continued to roll our eyes and shake our heads. i really wanted to comment about his sexism, i’m so tired of letting stuff like that go. john said i needed to choose my battles.

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The new cereal – fruit harvest. Believe it or not, we both really liked it. Why not put a little note out about it?

I need to think of something for Becky’s corner, something writing related. Maybe I could put something about Linked In? We’ll see. I haven’t actually gotten any gigs from it, but who knows? It won’t hurt to encourage people to network for the possibility.

I also need to clean up Becky’s Corner a bit. See if I can get someone to fix my template, and maybe use some of my photography for the banner. But I need something professional and not terribly expensive. I guess maybe a template doesn’t hurt anything, but I need to look at my sidebar and clean it up a bit. Maybe when school’s out. And maybe I can play with making my own design somehow. It’s time to learn css anyway.

There was something else running around in my head about blogging. What was it? I already posted a bit about what we did yesterday. Maybe I could talk about insomnia, since I’ve had a lot of it over the past two months. Can you be exhausted, but still not able to sleep all night? I think so, because that’s what’s happening to me.

I wish I could blog already about my pregnancy. I guess I don’t have to wait, but I do have to just wait to post it. I need to talk about the first appointment, the ultrasound, wanting to hurl at how many vials of blood they pulled for tests, and the indignity of having 3 people in the room while you are poked and prodded.

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I wrote this a few months ago when I was feeling a little frustrated. Funny enough, it was written in the morning and later that same day I found out I was pregnant. Given time, our outlook and priorities can change so much. While I may not quite be where I want to in my career, I’ll just have to work to change that, and not begrudge others their success. It’s tough sometimes, to smile when someone gets what you wanted. Even moreso when it seems like they stumbled on it or were handed it while you’ve been working your way up to that point.

Still, my thoughts and feelings on that original subject have changed. I’m not in a competition. I have to remind myself of that, because I compete with myself a LOT. I wasn’t as happy with me, and my life, as I am now. And that makes a huge difference in my outlook. I have to say that right now I am happy. Truly happy, the kind that makes me smile at everyone and wish that they could be grateful for everyone in their lives and everything they have.

The original:

it’s not easy sometimes, this working and going to school. i know it’s almost over and when it is i can say i finally have my degree.

but i see people around me succeeding where i wanted to succeed and doing things i really wanted to do. but i don’t have the time right now, so i can’t pursue more writing and photography. i see things come to other people—or fall in their laps—and i wonder why i didn’t get a chance. but i know it’s because i’ve been focused on school. and i have to remind myself that it’s not a bad priority to have at this time.

in one of my hobbies, i used to know a lot of people and enjoy being known back. if i had continued to be involved back then, when more people knew me, i could be helping a friend promote women in a male-dominated hobby. i chose school and she chose the hobby. she’s everywhere now and i think it’s so cool that she’s done so much. but i also, deep down, kinda wish i’d been able to do it too. with her, not instead of her.

i have to keep telling myself that we all have priorities and we all have to choose something at one point or another. my time will come, when i’m able to pursue my passions. that time is almost here. i just have to have some patience. but it’s so hard when you see others around you already doing what you wanted to do. and you wish it were you up there with them. or even instead of them. i’m trying to work through that, but it isn’t easy.

The subject line of today’s spam was: I learned a great deal about llamas.

It made me laugh as I moved it to the junk pile.

I’ll try to be back later and write a bit more. Heard the baby’s heartbeat today!

commiserating over things can be cathartic. i just hope it doesn’t come back to bite me in the ass.

I tackled my desk tonight. I think it won the first round, and I have a nasty welt on my elbow to show for it. That desk fights dirty. I don’t know where it gets it from.

But I did make some progress, going through the stacks of unknown origins. My trash can is full (I emptied it right before I started, too) and you can start to see a little bit of desktop here and there in the midst of the chaos. Yay for baby steps!

I told a few more people at work today. My husband says I’m mean. I’ve been wearing fairly baggy clothes. And since it’s been a little chilly (stays overcast most of the day, and the wind is a bit cool – goes right through me), I’ve been wearing my sweater a lot. But today, I unzipped the sweater to reveal one of my new shirts that’s stretchy, but form-fitting. And I asked a few friends: Does this shirt make me look pregnant?

You could see the momentary panic as they quickly debated the best answer. Do I say yes? Do I say no? Crap, which way should I go? Is there an exit nearby? Maybe I can distract her and make a run for it! But even with the huge smile on my face, they were afraid, and just answered with, Are you? Man, you guys are scared to go out on a limb, c’mon!

They were all quite happy for me, and one of my geek friends promised to buy some geeky onesies for the kiddo. I’m all for that. This kid is going to be raised by geeks. But dammit, we’re cool geeks.

I do plan to get back to regularly scheduled things… eventually. Truly I do. Right now I am just so busy basking in not doing anything it’s hard to be motivated. And if you saw the piles of mail on my desk that statement would be even more painfully clear. After years and years of reading what everyone else told me to, I’m enjoying just reading for fun. In fact, I just used my bookstore gift cards this weekend and hit the “buy 3 for the price of 2” sale. It gives me the chance to try a book that I normally might not.

I’m currently reading Traveling Mercies by Anne Lamott. I love it. Anne has such a funny, irreverant voice. She writes how I think, only funnier. I first discovered her when I read her writing memoir, Bird by Bird. I haven’t read all of her novels, but I will check out a few more at some point.

So, the reading is all I’m really accomplishing right now. Since I do need to pay bills and keep a roof over our head, I will eventually have to do something about that pile on my desk. But since so many of our bills are already on auto pay, I think I have another day or two.

On the pregnancy front, my bellah is growing a little. I joke that I currently look like I just ate too much dessert. But it’s getting noticeable, depending on what I wear. Eating is a weird thing right now. You know how you eat too much, and you try to breathe really deep, and you can’t? Or, when you’re not full you take a gigantic breath and your lungs and stomach all expand way out and then contract when you breathe out again? Well, I feel like I breathed in and my stomach expanded. But it doesn’t contract when I breathe out again. Every few days I take that deep breath and then my stomach stays put. How much further can I really stretch this thing before it jumps up into my lungs? Oh, a lot. I have a looooonnnnngggg way to go. But I already have to lean over a bit to see my legs. Oh, this is going to be fun to watch, isn’t it?

Tonight, I’m lying here just after I had a small glass of juice. And I feel a little flutter. And another. I turn to my husband and say, “Honey, I just felt a flutter and I don’t think it was gas this time!” I could be wrong, but I’m going to pretend otherwise, okay? Humor me. I have an appointment on Friday and I’m hoping they’ll pull out the Dopplar so I can hear the heartbeat.

Things are okay, although I still haven’t really announced anything at work. I’ll tell my group at our meeting next Monday. But otherwise, I think I’ll just let people figure it out. I guess I’m still hoping that not telling everyone in creation will have some warding off capabilities. So yes, that’s silly. Yet it’s still the way I feel about it at this point. I know I can’t control what happens. Maybe it’ll get easier. Maybe not. I’ll just have to wait and see. And really, isn’t that part of what life is made up of anyway?