Archive for » June, 2007 «

so not ready

Sometimes I look down at this growing belly, feeling those first little flip-flops, and I think “Holy crap, what did I get myself into?”

Er, maybe that should be “What did we get ourselves into?” Because, holy cow, there’s a little person coming soon and he’s going to grow into a big person. Will we be able to give him everything he needs to be happy and healthy and kind to others? This wee one is going to need so much. Can I really get over my selfishness and do what needs to be done? Will it be enough?

I am excited, amazed, anxious, and terrified all at once. Can I be everything this child needs? Can I give him what he expects from me: love, kindness, instruction, selflessness?

I had such a great example in my mom. Can I live up to that?

I sure hope so.

I’m halfway there (20 weeks) and I’m not ready. Will I get there in the next 20 weeks?

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gimme a break

Recently my spam has been touting post cards from “family.” Really? How do you know it’s a family member? Did they call and tell you?

Since relatively few of my family members are actually online, I highly doubt that they would send an electronic card. It’s just not their style. I used to send electronic Hallmark cards, but there are so many card viruses out there that my friends probably wouldn’t bother opening them anyway. Well, actually, the Hallmark ones are probably the only ones most of us would bother to open.

Junk mail continues to take over my mailbox. I get hundreds a day. I should quickly go through and make sure something didn’t get mislabeled, but that is such a pain. For my personal mail, I just delete the junk. But for work, I have to make sure nothing slips through the cracks.

Speaking of cracks, I wish someone would crack all of these spammers and virus writers over the head with something. Maybe a dirty bedpan. Or a very large bat. Or maybe those biscuits my mom microwaved for 3 minutes (when she first got her microwave). Man, those were rocks! That should cause a headache, and maybe even some bleeding.

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yes, more baby

I did finally get to keep my ultrasound appointment. They do take their time during this one, looking at all the bones and organs, making sure everything is developing okay. The technician showed us the head, heart, legs, arms, spine, everything. It was really interesting. And cool.

When she would pause for a moment, we could see the baby moving around. At one point, the baby thumped so hard that I said, “Woah, I felt that!” And the tech replied that it moved the camera, too. Strong little bugger, huh?

I’ve really been feeling a lot of movement. It’s like a flutter, but it has been getting more pronounced in the past week. One of my friends was utterly amazed that I started feeling movement so early. I guess some people just do. Maybe it stems from my lifelong internal issues. I just notice things in my abdomen. And I knew immediately that it wasn’t gas. As the movements get stronger, I know that I was dead-on. It’s so weird, yet so cool at the same time.

The tech gave us a pic of the baby’s foot, and one showing the gender (with an arrow – hee!). And then, she gave us some 3D pics. Woah, I wasn’t expecting that we’d get those. By this time (towards the end of the appointment), the baby must have been annoyed with all of the poking and prodding. Wee one was staying close the uterus wall, head turned into the side. The tech did manage to give us some profile pics.

Here’s our little thinker.

He's a thinker

My best friend and my husband both say this is one of my mannerisms. Perfect match. It’ll be interesting to see who this kid turns out to be.

By the way, it’s a boy.

We are so looking forward to seeing you, wee one. You’re already so loved.


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she’s funny that way

A couple of days ago, I was headed to lunch, iPod in pocket, earbuds in place, jamming to my music. The sky was a brilliant blue. A cool breeze kept it from being pleasantly warm (for me, anyway), but it was still a beautiful day. A sad song came across my iPod, yet I smiled and almost skipped along. It didn’t matter that the song was sad (Daniel Powter’s Bad Day). Just being outside, able to enjoy a few minutes of downtime, was what I needed.

On my way to lunch, I was thinking, “Gotta hurry. Baby’s probably saying, ‘Hurry up, Mommy, I’m hungry!’ and I need to eat.”

I almost stopped in my tracks, realizing what I’d said. Mommy. It’s not a big word. Nor is it complicated. But it holds so many things in those 5 letters. Someone is going to call me mommy. When he scrapes his knee, he’ll call for mommy and he’ll mean me. I’ll hear that word in the store and know that it’s for me, and not any of the other women around. I’ll know that word anywhere, when it’s coming from my child. Just like my mom did—and still does.

In five months, I’ll have a little one in my arms who depends on us for everything. Food. Shelter. Clothing. Love. It’s scary, but I am so ready to meet you, little one. Mommy’s ready.

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I’m feeling a bit out of sorts. There’s nothing to really pinpoint, nothing really nagging at me to make me feel this way, or to give me a reason. It just is.

I suppose it could be the hormones. I go from grouchy, to angry, to bawling in the blink of an eye. I guess that’s to be expected. But I hate the instability of it all. I’m sure my husband does, too.

I’m a little bit achy all the time. I know it’s early, and there’s so much more coming my way. But right now, this constant achiness, along with my hips getting worse, is like water torture for me.

Yes, I’ll probably look back in 3 or 4 months and wish I were back in this place. But right now, it’s just grating. And maybe that’s contributing to my dissatisfaction with our place. It’s not big enough, there’s no room, and we have too much stuff! I’m impatient to get it in order so I can relax and not have to deal with it any more.

And maybe I’m just anxious about finding about the baby’s sex. I keep having appointments canceled, so I don’t want to get my hopes up that we’ll actually find out in this millenium (at least, until the birthin’ ).

Maybe it just is what it is. And that’s the part I hate most.

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i hurt myself today

Okay, technically it was yesterday.

I just got up a little while ago. Two things: ouch, and I would kill for a motrin right now. (Any ibuprofen is a no-no.)

That little tumble sure did a number on me. My neck muscle is pulled on the left side (I yanked my head that way to keep from hitting the back of my head on the ground). And my right arm feels like I held a 30-lb weight all day.

I know I’ll feel better later, but it sure was a bitch to get out of bed. I feel 90.

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whew, i don’t think i need another day like that

So, today has been just a little bit busy. We got up early and checked out a piece of furniture from craigslist. We are now the proud owners of a beautiful, reasonably-priced glider rocker. And boy, is it comfy! Now, all we have to do is make room for it! Hmmm, I think I got the order of things a little backwards.

And, after my best friend came over for (decaf) coffee, we headed to the Del Mar San Diego Fair. We got there before noon, and already they were directing people into the overflow parking. Hmmm, crowds. So here we are, trying to navigate the people and the cars as we walk out of the lot, when a stupid flag rope blows in front of me right as I’m stepping down. I didn’t realize it had a loop in the end. And that the loop had managed to wrap around my foot. The traffic director had stopped the cars so we could get across the row. So we’re trying to hurry, this thing blows right in front of my foot, I had some momentum going, nothing to grab onto, and BOOM. Down I went.


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did you hear it?

The space shuttle just flew over San Diego, and we got to hear the sonic boom. If my friend hadn’t told me about it, I wouldn’t have known what the BOOM! was. Cool!

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so much for that!

My appointment was canceled today. Now we have to wait until Tuesday to find out.

I’m kinda bummed. But maybe, as my mom said, we needed until Tues for the baby to turn around so we can see things. Or, maybe that gives him/her time to turn around so we can’t. Not sure which way to think of it right now.

Anyway, no news yet.

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getting ready

We went over to my girlfriend’s for dinner. Took some fish (white seabass – yum!) and portobello mushrooms and tossed them on the grill. Good stuff, man. I love summer and grilling our food.

Afterward, though, J went home to sleep because he has to be at work at 4.30 in the morning (omg, ouch!). The friend and I sat around and talked a bit about preparing for the baby. We threw around ideas about rearranging furniture and how in the hell we’re going to make room for a baby in a tiny one-bedroom place. It first involves getting rid of a lot of stuff. And you know, when your stuff starts ruling your life, it’s time to let it go. If you haven’t had time for something in about 3 or 4 years, you probably won’t. It’s time to dump it.

So it looks like a trip to the swap meet is in order. We can’t have a yard sale where we are, so the swap meet is the next best thing. And what doesn’t sell there gets donated (I’ll take cash over a write-off, thankyouverymuch).

It’s funny how major life changes really make you take a look at what you’re doing and how you’re doing it. I just found out today that I won’t be able to take my extra sick time to pad my maternity leave. So that means I can either take 5 weeks unpaid or go back to work earlier than I planned. And that sucks just a little. But it’s also the motivation I need to earn some extra money.

It’s time to work harder on my writing, look for a few gigs. I am a serious writer and I love to write. But now I need to turn my motivation toward it so I can put some money away for when the baby comes. Because no pay for 5 weeks is going to be tough and we’ll need all the help we can get. If I work hard now, I can take some time to enjoy the wee one.

And I’m so looking forward to enjoying the wee one. Tomorrow’s the big day – we find out whether we have a boy or a girl. I can’t wait.

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