what makes you want to get to know someone?
i’ve tried several times recently to reconnect with people i know but haven’t seen in a while, to no avail. i guess i’m just not interesting enough for them. and it hurts a little to feel rejected when you’re not even sure what did – or didn’t do – to be rebuffed.
sometimes i feel like giving up on the whole friendship thing. it’s a lot of work. and i don’t mind that, really i don’t. but when you find someone with whom you think you can be friends, and you try several times to connect to them and they basically act like they don’t care. but without the courtesy of just telling you they’re not interested. it’s fucking frustrating.
don’t be nice to my face and disparage me behind my back either. just come out with it, ok? tell me you have a problem with me. not to start a fight or drama, but to be honest. i’ll respect you a hell of a lot more for being honest than for pretending to like me or be my friend. i hate the pretending. and the unreturned phone calls. just tell me so i can move on. don’t wait for me to get the hint. don’t be passive-aggressive about it. and don’t worry about hurting my feelings–because you already have.
i don’t know where this is going. i’m just typing as it comes out.
if i’m friendly and happy to see you? guess what? that’s genuine. if i act happy to see you, then i am happy to see you. i’m more of an open book than people think. and yet, i also have a hard time sharing myself because i’ve been hurt so many times. i don’t like games. i don’t want to play them. i want my friends to actually be my friends, not just to pretend to like me so they won’t get a reputation of being a bitch (or asshole) to someone.
yeah, this doesn’t make a lot of sense to me either. it just comes tumbling out and i’m not yet sure how to articulate it. just feeling hurt right now.
i guess i’m just tired of trying because it seems like i’m not worth the trouble to anyone else. so why bother?
