so i sit here

my grandma had a massive heart attack and is in ICU right now. she’s about 12 hours away from here. i don’t know what to do. there’s not a lot i can do even if i go. mom & dad tell me i should wait until they get down there & they’ll call me & let me know what’s going on.
in some ways, i just want to go. i don’t think she’ll make it through this one. she’s old and has lived a long life. over the past few years she has had an increasing number of health problems. it probably won’t be much longer.
here’s the rub & i feel pretty damn guilty about it: j’s going to be home for a week starting wednesday. if i leave, i won’t get a chance to see much of him for five months. i miss him terribly. on top of that, i have a busy week and don’t see how i can really get away. next week, maybe. this week i can’t.
so i feel guilty. she’s my only grandparent. my mom’s mom. i would rather see her alive than go to a funeral.
so i sit here, unable to sleep, puffy eyes, runny nose, full of guilt for having obligations that i think i need to keep. for not being there even though i can’t really do anything but let her know i’m there. and that – in spite our many differences over the years – i love her. she’s family & nothing, not even our stubborness, will ever change that.
so i sit here …