Archive for » May, 2004 «

ask me

okay, i’ll join in, albeit a little late. since i asked rae questions, i’ll open my place up for questions, too.
ask me 3 questions. about anything. i’ll answer them here. then you need to do the same on your site. ready? go!
btw, only 9 comments until i hit 1000! that’s not much to a lot of bloggers, but it is to me. woo!
q&a in the extended entry.

more…

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eeeeeeeeeeee!

i get to put a * next to sphinxy. eeeeeeeeeee!
i had lunch with several fun and wonderful people today. the weather was perfect. *sigh* it’s been a great day. this is why i love california. beautiful weather and good times with friends. what more could you want?

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freebie

want to try a different blogging program – for free? pmachine is giving away 1000 copies of expression engine. read the rules carefully and have at it!
via Wendy
Update: eeeee! i got one! i can’t wait to try it.

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still a small hope

with all of the death and destruction in the news, it’s hard to believe there’s much – if any – good left in the world. but it’s there. you just have to look for it.

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Mac users – trojan alert!

Mac users can be smug no more about viruses not being programmed to get them:
A trojan horse has been released that purports to be the installer for a pre-release Macintosh Office 2004 demo. When you click on the trojan’s icon (which looks like the Microsoft Office installer icon) your entire OSX home directory is immediately erased.
While this piece of “malware” does not infect your machine or try to send itself to others’ machines, it’s conceivable that someone could send it to you as an attachment. If you receive an “Office 2004 Demo” delete it immediately. More info is at macworld and intego.
Once again, this trojan only affects Macs running OSX … NOT Windows computers or OS9 Macs.

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address me directly or not at all

we have two systems groups – our dept & a central one. the central one takes care of security issues for program access to sensitive info. the other handles our local machines.
when i was set up to run sql, my access was granted thru central. so when i had a permissions issue, i contacted the person that set me up (with a cc to my boss). i get a note over a week later saying that it was complete. as i read the entire email, i see that the central person got pissy because i contacted him.
rather than write me back and say i need to contact my dept person, he wrote a nasty note questioning the appropriateness of my original contact and sent it to my boss AND my dept person. that pissed me off. his intent was to make me look bad. i’ve already addressed the issue w/my dept person – he wasn’t worried about me doing anything wrong. my boss already knew that i’d contacted the central person, so she was fine, too. but it bugs me that he calls into question my intentions.
i just wanted access to the program i was already supposed to have! i didn’t know that it had never been set up. i thought there was a permissions issue – that maybe my file had gotten corrupted. there have been some major security issues recently, so i can understand that they’re touchy. but rather than call my integrity into question, just tell me what freakin’ channels i’m supposed to go through!
so, i said all that to ask this: should i contact the central person and address the fact that he didn’t come back and tell me that i was going about it the wrong way? or should i just let it be since it didn’t affect me in the eyes of my boss and dept person? hell, did all that even make sense? it’s hard to describe it in generic terms.

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questions without answers

i read joelle’s recent entry with interest. i think she hit a cord with a lot of us thirtysomethings (omg, i never thought i’d use that phrase to describe myself). when i hit thirty, i did a lot of thinking about my life and what i wanted. i was scared to settle down and remarry. i was afraid i was too fickle to be able to stay w/j for the rest of my life. it took a lot of introspection before i decided that it’s a choice, not a character flaw. i’m so glad i made that decision (except when he leaves laundry & dishes, but that’s another entry – heh).
anyway, sometimes i look at my own life, where i am now and i get a little dissatisfied too. i went to my 10 year class reunion two years ago. many of my classmates were married with kids, homes, and many things i didn’t have. i can’t afford a home here. i don’t ever see it happening. seriously. EVER.
but i miss my family. terribly! i could afford a house there. maybe. maybe not, because my career here may not work or even exist back there. and i can’t go back to being a secretary. so how do i earn enough money to make a living back there? what will j do? it’s not like there’s an ocean back there. we could live somewhere on the mississippi, i suppose, or near the gulf. that at least allows j to use his captains license once he earns it and us to visit much more frequently. it also increases the possibility that they’ll visit us. i want a home and my family around me so bad that i. can. taste. it. and the flavor is bittersweet.
i think i want kids. j would be happy with that. then i’m not so sure, because we could take time for ourselves. travel. fishing. vacation time that isn’t spent traveling to see family.
i want to stay in california. i love the weather. we have terrific friends. i do a lot more outdoors here than i do back there. fewer bugs and humidity here. summers are tolerable near the beach. they aren’t tolerable back home unless you have a/c. 100 degrees + humidity = uncomfortable, to say the least. but then again, i never liked the heat when i did live there. dammit, why can’t my family move out here to be with me?! pfft -like that’ll happen. hah!
i want to move. i want my kids to be near their (only) grandparents. i want them to grow up with a ton of extended family around. there’s a safety net there like no other. they fight, they gossip, they get on your nerves. but they’re still family and my kids need to experience that and decide for themselves what they want. my parents are getting older. they are awesome people. incredible. i’m so lucky to have them. i want to spend time with them. learn from them. glean more of my history from them. learn to tell stories like my dad. look at the green rolling hills and contemplate why my ancestors felt it was like the highlands. and why some of those relatives were bankrobbers. maybe even search for the gold. heh -i kid! the history is so rich there. i’ll have to tell you all more about the area sometime. once i learn more, that is. i have much to learn. life is so short & i’m confused about what i want from it.
i do however, know i want to discover it with j. that’s a good feeling. and he’s willing to stay here or move near my family. they get along famously and he loves them (let me tell you what a 180 that is from my ex).
j has three years before he’ll have enough time on the boat to try for his license. and i have two more before my retirement vests. so we’ll stay put until then. do i want to put kids off that long? i don’t know. i guess so, cuz i don’t want to raise a baby while he’s out to sea all the time, even if it’s only april thru november. he’d miss too much. i suppose we’ll just play it by ear and see what happens.
but i definitely don’t want to play the regret game. i just have to embrace my decisions and live them fully. if it doesn’t work out, then i’ll just change what i can and move on. no regrets. remember that.

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eye to eye

i called my primary doctor yesterday, who referred me to the eye center. fortunately, they were able to get me in. unfortunately, i had to call 3 times to get through to someone – i’m not sure they are that great at checking voice mail.
the lady that first looked at my eye couldn’t see anything wrong – no scratches or foreign objects. the on-call doc squeezed me in between patients.
have you ever been to a very young doctor? this doctor was exuberant, but also ready to jump to conclusions (someone should make a game called jump to conclusions). my primary physician is young, but also calm & cautious. this doctor seemed like he was excited to get a cool test case. wtf?
the doc examined my eye, dilated the pupils and shined a lot of very. bright. lights. in my eye. i told him whatever went in my eye was way up under the top eyelid. he never pulled the lid up enough for a good, close look. then he bandied long opthamologist terms and threw in mri’s, steriods, women 18 – 45 and symptoms of MS. what? well, he wanted to make sure i knew about the worst case scenario.
i fucking lost it. i freaked out. how did i go from getting something in my eye to talking about vision deterioration in my left eye? i kept wondering that, but no one was answering that question.
he finally consulted with an attending, and she told him to have me wait and see if the vision clears in the next day or two. if not, then they could do further tests.
he didn’t need to mention mri’s or steriods. he just needed to tell me it probably isn’t too serious and to let the eye rest and if it didn’t get better, THEN they’d take a closer look. you can’t do that to a patient that is worried about whether their vision will clear. you don’t scare them to death! i went to my car and bawled. i was terrified. after i calmed down, though, i was in a better frame of mind, realizing he was a little too eager. damn younguns! wink
my eye is much better today. i can focus and most everything is clear with my glasses on. while my vision isn’t perfect, it’s correctable with glasses. i take it for granted. i didn’t know how easily it can change or be in danger. that was a big scare – even though it didn’t start out that way. i will definitely make sure i take care of my eyes.

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stick + eye

damn. i don’t know what i did to my left eye, but i have a whole new sympathy for suzie.
woke up around 5, opened my eyes, and my left one immediately went shut and started burning like something was in it. i couldn’t open it, it was sensitive to light, and it hurt. an hour later, after trying to rest it, it finally opened. i can’t find anything in there, except maybe a bump. i could have scratched it or something may have poked it.
no big deal right? i wish.
i can’t see clearly. at all. it’s been blurry all day & i have to keep closing it so i can see out of my right eye.
i’ve poked myself in the eye before – many times. but i’ve never had blurriness stay all freakin’ day. this sucks.

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birthdays are fun!

if you haven’t yet, go over & wish eve a very happy birthday.

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