Archive for » May 6th, 2004«

questions without answers

i read joelle’s recent entry with interest. i think she hit a cord with a lot of us thirtysomethings (omg, i never thought i’d use that phrase to describe myself). when i hit thirty, i did a lot of thinking about my life and what i wanted. i was scared to settle down and remarry. i was afraid i was too fickle to be able to stay w/j for the rest of my life. it took a lot of introspection before i decided that it’s a choice, not a character flaw. i’m so glad i made that decision (except when he leaves laundry & dishes, but that’s another entry – heh).
anyway, sometimes i look at my own life, where i am now and i get a little dissatisfied too. i went to my 10 year class reunion two years ago. many of my classmates were married with kids, homes, and many things i didn’t have. i can’t afford a home here. i don’t ever see it happening. seriously. EVER.
but i miss my family. terribly! i could afford a house there. maybe. maybe not, because my career here may not work or even exist back there. and i can’t go back to being a secretary. so how do i earn enough money to make a living back there? what will j do? it’s not like there’s an ocean back there. we could live somewhere on the mississippi, i suppose, or near the gulf. that at least allows j to use his captains license once he earns it and us to visit much more frequently. it also increases the possibility that they’ll visit us. i want a home and my family around me so bad that i. can. taste. it. and the flavor is bittersweet.
i think i want kids. j would be happy with that. then i’m not so sure, because we could take time for ourselves. travel. fishing. vacation time that isn’t spent traveling to see family.
i want to stay in california. i love the weather. we have terrific friends. i do a lot more outdoors here than i do back there. fewer bugs and humidity here. summers are tolerable near the beach. they aren’t tolerable back home unless you have a/c. 100 degrees + humidity = uncomfortable, to say the least. but then again, i never liked the heat when i did live there. dammit, why can’t my family move out here to be with me?! pfft -like that’ll happen. hah!
i want to move. i want my kids to be near their (only) grandparents. i want them to grow up with a ton of extended family around. there’s a safety net there like no other. they fight, they gossip, they get on your nerves. but they’re still family and my kids need to experience that and decide for themselves what they want. my parents are getting older. they are awesome people. incredible. i’m so lucky to have them. i want to spend time with them. learn from them. glean more of my history from them. learn to tell stories like my dad. look at the green rolling hills and contemplate why my ancestors felt it was like the highlands. and why some of those relatives were bankrobbers. maybe even search for the gold. heh -i kid! the history is so rich there. i’ll have to tell you all more about the area sometime. once i learn more, that is. i have much to learn. life is so short & i’m confused about what i want from it.
i do however, know i want to discover it with j. that’s a good feeling. and he’s willing to stay here or move near my family. they get along famously and he loves them (let me tell you what a 180 that is from my ex).
j has three years before he’ll have enough time on the boat to try for his license. and i have two more before my retirement vests. so we’ll stay put until then. do i want to put kids off that long? i don’t know. i guess so, cuz i don’t want to raise a baby while he’s out to sea all the time, even if it’s only april thru november. he’d miss too much. i suppose we’ll just play it by ear and see what happens.
but i definitely don’t want to play the regret game. i just have to embrace my decisions and live them fully. if it doesn’t work out, then i’ll just change what i can and move on. no regrets. remember that.

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