Archive for » April, 2004 «

homesick

i just talked to my dad’s youngest sister for about an hour and a half. it flew by like it was nothing. i miss home.
i miss the rolling hills, green everywhere you look, trees upon trees. the scots settled in that area when they left scotland because it reminded them of the highlands.
i miss the fall, that damn red missouri clay, snow.
i miss my family. their gift of blarney. their nosiness. their care. even the way the sisters fight and drive me crazy.
i WILL talk more to my relatives and try to preserve some of the stories of old about our family and where we come from. my family comes from the hills. some of them are backwards. some of them are strange. but they are unique. they are characters. they are storytellers. i want to write it down.
because i don’t want the memory – the specialness of my heritage – to die.

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Love Song

Cure – Love Song
Whenever I’m alone with you
You make me feel like I am home again
Whenever I’m alone with you
You make me feel like I am whole again
Whenever I’m alone with you
You make me feel like I am young again
Whenever I’m alone with you
You make me feel like I am fun again
However far away
I will always love you
However long I stay
I will always love you
Whatever words I say
I will always love you
I will always love you
Whenever I’m alone with you
You make me feel like I am free again
Whenever I’m alone with you
You make me feel like I am clean again
However far away
I will always love you
However long I stay
I will always love you
Whatever words I say
I will always love you
I will always love you

more…

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bizarro

it’s been a surreal time for about a week now.
j was home for a few days. it was nice to have him back; he’s gone again though. he had more days off than he should. he woke up last thursday (the day he was supposed to go to work) with a fast, irregular heartbeat. when it didn’t go away after several hours, i came home from work and took him to urgent care. i couldn’t find a ton of information about fibrillation arrhythmia, but a university medical site at least told me what kind of arrhythmia it was. they gave him some meds after a thorough examination and told him to come back the next day. according to the doc, anything over 48 hours increases risk of stroke. yikes.
the next morning i checked his pulse and it seemed normal. he went back and they monitored him again and gave him a monitor to wear overnight. he went back and dropped it off the next day. he has some meds and seems to be fine now. but boy does it bring up a lot of issues that none of us want to face.
at least our insurance is in order. but we need to get wills set up. and so do you all. every last one of you. get a lawyer to do it right. it doesn’t matter what your age is, or whether you even have kids. get it done. right away. and when you have a major life change – marriage, divorce, birth, death – update it. save everyone the hassle of court later. it’s not pleasant to contemplate our mortality, but we have to be realistic (yes, even you all in lala land).
in other news, had dinner with the kiddo last night. i ran out of groceries with the extra mouth that i wasn’t expecting after thursday (but hey, no complaints – i’m feeling much better about him being gone, believe it or not); supposed to shop tonight. so i sent her to the mexi shop instead. laziness, eh?
after dinner she did homework and i fixed my lunch for today. i bought a ton of spinach from whole foods (last tuesday) and made a gigantor salad with it, red cabbage, carrots, crimini mushrooms (some of the best for salads), and alfalfa sprouts. oh, and almond slivers. Add marie’s raspberry vinaigrette and YUM. i already have a chicken breast that i broiled, so i’ll cut that up into the salad as well. i could eat that all day and not get tired of it. add bleu cheese and it would be an orgasmic experience. really.
i practiced a bit of writing before going to bed. good creative exercise. i even sketched (okay, doodled) a bit. it was very relaxing, but i was still a bit wired. i eventually fell asleep but it was a long night. i woke up every two hours from some bizarro dreams. earthquakes. falling off bridges. spooky spiders. it goes on and on. ugh. trying to shake it off.
the good news is that i’m not terribly tired in spite of the weird sleep. i enjoyed the writing that much. it was mostly brain dump, yet different from what i normally do.
happy tuesday everyone.

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babbling

i feel like babbling today.
i have a killer headache again. j, sue & the kids went to go do something. i was supposed to go, but don’t think i can deal with the crowds and other bullshit right now. took sue out to eat last night for her birthday – pf chang’s. but i think they changed the moo goo gai pan (it didn’t have shrimp before) & now i don’t like it so much anymore. bastards.
i got a new pressure cooker and a kitchen*aid mixer this weekend. whee! i’ve wanted a kitchen*aid mixer for about 10 years. i finally decided to just get it. i love to cook and haven’t done any baking because i haven’t had decent equipment. we’re slowly building up our kitchen the way we really want it – with quality tools that will last a long time.
i need to run errands: pay my macy’s bill, exchange the lid on my kick-ass pressure cooker (this is not your grandma’s pressure cooker – but the damn lid is bent and it won’t lock closed).
i don’t want to deal with crowds, but at the same time i don’t want to be in the house. i think being anonymous in a crowd would work. where j & sue were headed would not be anonymous – too much smiling & socializing. i can’t handle that right now. and that really sucks when being with friends makes you cringe because you’re not feeling well.
i try not to talk about my j*o*b in a specific way – i don’t want co*wor*kers to read it. but right now i really wish i could lay it all out there, because i need to make some ca*reer decisions and hearing people’s feedback would be good.
/end of brain dump.

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disappointment, heartache

i hate letting people down. i even hate the thought that i might let someone down. be it family, friends, coworkers – it doesn’t matter. i hate bringing someone disappointment.
and soon, no matter how how i slice it, i’m going to disappoint someone. the question is – which person will i choose to let down? it’s going to happen; this situation is unavoidable. so i must decide. and someone, somewhere is going to be disappointed. which person do i choose to ‘hurt’?

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oops!

have you ever offered to carry something and even reached out to take it, when the person refuses help – while your hand is ON the item?
how awkward is that?

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lonesome blues

*sigh*
i miss my guy. this being apart sucks sometimes. in the six years that we’ve been together, we haven’t been separated for long periods of time. while i have gone to see family without him, the longest was two weeks and then it’s back to the status quo.
now, he’s potentially gone two weeks at a time (or more), home for a couple of days, and back out again.
yes, i’ll survive. hey, it’s cool to do what you want when you want without worrying about what someone else’s opinion is. i also have friends to hang out with and i actually like doing things alone.
but then there are the moments where you want help in making decisions or you want to be relieved from making those decisions at all; you just want someone to take care of you for a while. or you just miss those late night snuggles.

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taser set to ‘fuck you’

yesterday was a total waste of getting out of bed. our system bogged down and people harped on us all. day. long. the email complaints arrived in intervals – most questioned the problem, but a few got a little cheeky. they don’t understand that most of it is out of our control. but we be the front men, so we get to bend over and take it. we know it wasn’t our fault, but the powers that be still haven’t let us in on what the problem really was. either they don’t know or won’t admit yet what it was.
i had a dr. appt at 3.30 and they made me wait until 3.55. add that to the required 15 min. early and i was fuckin’ annoyed. i did get to talk to my doc about having a 2 week headache though. it was a migraine, but not like ones i’ve had before. did you know that drastic caffeine fluctuations can trigger a migraine? i didn’t. it’s better to have your one or two cups a day, steadily, than to go up and down in your consumption. so he gave me some sample meds and a plan of action and sent me on my way.
and then i had to pay for the freaking parking. they changed it from the last time i was there and i was caught unprepared. gah, i say. gah! i had to write a fuckin’ check for $2 – they wouldn’t let me out until i paid. fuckers. and i didn’t get a freakin’ notice, you assholes!
today was a bit better. except for traffic on the way home. listen buddy, you can come to a dead stop in your lane til hell freezes over, but if you don’t use your fuckin’ signal no one will know what the hell you want! 3.30 in the afternoon and traffic getting on the freeway was backed up like it was 6. no accidents that i could see, so i don’t know what the hell was up.
j has several days off next week before the schedule kicks in full blast. of course his 2nd job took the liberty of scheduling most of them. dammit! poor guy hasn’t had a full day off in a few weeks. not to mention i’d like to spend some time with him before he’s gone the entire rest of the month.
damn, pms hitting hard this week. couldja tell? shit.

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put another nickel in

Went to a concert with the munchkin and some friends for her 16th birthday (yikes, 16!). The concert opened to the sounds of the lovely Mindy Smith. She sang beautifully � that girl�s voice could take her far. She was chatty and amusing. When one of her guitar strings broke, she made a few jokes and sang an acappela tune. Mindy wrote a lot of the songs she sang; I always wish I could do that. She left the crowd wanting to hear more. I�ll be checking out her new album for sure. The group Nickel Creek is comprised of three amazing musicians. Their smiles told how much they love their work. The entire concert played like one big jam session. While they have great vocals, the focus is definitely the music. Even if you aren�t familiar with bluegrass, you can appreciate this group�s skill and dedication. I think Sara�s voice needs more prominence. Her voice is pure, but she mostly sings softly, letting the music take the lead. I think she occasionally needs to belt it out and let her vocals shine. Sara is a fantastic fiddle player, though. She danced around the stage as she played, showcasing her range and technique as well as her enthusiasm. The entire group has nice vocal � and instrumental � harmony. Chris really gets into playing the mandolin, scrunching his face as he comically bobs his head like a chicken. Sean, who is Sara�s brother, is a great guitar player. You can tell this group has worked hard at their sound. The music goes from lively and fun to haunting back to footstompingly good. The crowd cheered Nickel Creek back onto the stage for a rollicking encore. I wanted the music to continue. I was disappointed though, that they didn�t play �The Lighthouse� (one of their most popular and well-known songs) even after many in the crowd requested it. I think they don�t want to get stuck singing it at every concert, all the time, thereby getting sick of it. While I can understand that sentiment, I still wanted to hear the song. I would see them again in concert, but not at the same venue. That�s a story for another day. If you get the chance to see them, do it. If you can appreciate good music, you�ll get your money�s worth at their show.

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spring cleaning

What a gorgeous Easter Sunday this has turned out to be. The sun is shining and there�s a slight breeze. I�m sitting outside on my (tiny) deck, my feet propped up, laptop in lap (heh), drinking water nearby, enjoying the day. The sky is clear; there�s not a cloud as far as I can see. (Of course, there are a lot of trees and other buildings, so it�s not like I can see for miles or anything.) The wind picks up every once in a while, blowing the tree branches around, rattling the leaves (which are a pain to sweep up from said deck). It�s the perfect time to let my just-washed hair dry naturally. I used to do this all the time � sit outside and let my hair dry, taking the time to relax for about an hour. Now I wash it in the morning and let it dry as I go about my work. My granny used to say that if it was sunny on Easter Sunday, it would be sunny the next 7 Sundays. I never had enough of an attention span to actually count and see if that works. Anyone else ever heard that? All I hear right now is an airplane overhead, the wind in the trees, and birds singing. Occasionally the sound of traffic gets through, but not too much. There�s quite a bit of air traffic today � I hear a helicopter and another plane, too. When I�m done, I�ll pop back inside the house and post this. But sometime I might actually spring for an airport base, so I can be wireless throughout the house. Aw, yeah! I had quite an industrious morning. J is home, so I dropped him at the 2nd job (yes, he has to cook today; it sucks). I immediately commenced the garage cleaning that I�ve been dying to do. A girlfriend offered to let me drop a bunch of garage sale junk at her house, since they plan to do one in the next few weeks. Yay! I�ve got everything ready to load in the truck and take it over there. Since J quit as a mechanic, we�ve had his toolbox sitting in the middle of the garage. We have to make room for it so we can go back to parking a vehicle in there. Whatever doesn�t sell goes to goodwill. If they don�t want any of it (which I doubt), the trash takes it. I�m trying to horde less and toss more. Hell, I�m trying not to acquire much more! We live in such a small place, I need more efficient storage, not more stuff. I have my eye on a wardrobe at Ikea that would work perfectly for J. He has such big clothes that a teeny dresser doesn�t do the job. They have a model with sliding doors, which is great for our limited space. Now I just have to convince him to go with me and get it. wink Been away from the computer a lot the last few days, as you can probably tell. It�s quite nice, actually. Lots of hanging out with a girlfriend whose husband is also gone a lot. I don�t know what I�ll do when she moves in the next year or so. Damn. Anyway, that�s enough long-windedness for one sitting. A review of a recent concert is up next.

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