This is why I love the internets

Gratitude

“It’s really not all that bad.” That’s what I — and my husband — keep telling myself. I love the time I spend with my son, even as I feel guilty that it’s not enough… or especially not enough quality over quantity.

But then I lie in bed in the morning, after my son is up and we’re both snuggled up watching a cartoon or two, and I realize how good I have it. There’s no rushing around in the morning to get him to daycare and me to work. I doze a little while he plays with his cars and sips his milk. I smile as he runs his cars all over my head and shoulders, making these new little “vroom vroom” noises.

And I realize all of this, even as we’re terribly short on money, when I am able to get out of my own head. That’s not easy when you work from home and don’t really get out much. And yet, the internet helps me there, too. I chat with people on twitter when I take breaks. I read blogs and get to see how my internet friends are doing.

I’ve even made new local friends. That’s probably the biggest thing that the ‘net has brought me. As I think I’ve mentioned before, several of my closest friends have moved in the last few years. Since I don’t work outside the home any longer, it has been much harder to find new people to hang out with. But then I went to a couple of events that I found out about on Twitter. And I started meeting other moms.

From there, I found out about events through sdGNO (San Diego Girl’s Night Out) and sdIRL (San Diego In Real Life). And wouldn’t you know it? I have made a bunch of new friends and connected with some old ones, too. (Of course, that totally doesn’t include everyone, but you can see lists of people I’ve met via some twitter lists.)

Just getting to hang out with many cool people, get our kids together for playdates, and get out of the darn house has been making a big difference for me. It’s slowly getting better, the more I push myself to go do cool things.

As long as I can keep reminding myself not to think to hard about all that I’m not doing and not getting accomplished — and concentrate on the good — I think it’ll be okay.

Nah, I’m sure of it.

I’d also like to thank the kind person who nominated me for a “Best in Lifestyle” award from the San Diego Social Media Awards (#influenceSD). I absolutely wasn’t expecting it and no matter where I wind up, I’m honored to be in a group with so many of my friends. (PS – you can vote for me here, if you are so inclined.)

My reality

Recently, it feels like I am such a failure at everything. And when you feel that way, it is so hard to write about it. Since that’s all I’ve been talking about lately anyway, it gets pretty old. And if it’s bugging me, it certainly must not be fun for you to read about.

And yet… it is my reality. All I see are the things I haven’t done. Projects I haven’t finished, things I have failed my son and husband in, my messy house, a stack of books I haven’t read, filing and laundry and dishes to be done…

I used to be (and feel) so organized. I was on top of everything most of the time. And now, if it weren’t for automatic billpay, we’d probably be without living quarters or utilities. I just can’t seem to get it together.

It’s hard to admit. Hence, the ongoing silence. What do I say without sounding like I’m just whining? AGAIN? It’s still my reality right now. All I see right now as I look around is everything I haven’t done yet. Every misstep. Every failure.

When I get there

I used to think I would die young. I’m not sure why those thoughts were in my head. I just didn’t foresee a future of me getting old. But now, I do hope I get old so I can see my son grow up. Have grandchildren and great-grandchildren. Watching my aunt pass away and seeing all of the people gathered around her to help in the end made me realize how much I want to be surrounded by family. Lots and lots of family.

And yet, even if I grow old and everyone’s gone except me, the kids are too busy with their lives & their own kids to visit, I will hold these times close. I will wrap the memory of these days around me like a soft, familiar blanket. I will comfort myself with the remembered feel of my sons arms around my neck as he climbs down from his high chair, pausing at the end to just stand there and hug me. I will store up these times and treasure them.

He’s small now, but he won’t be for long. I want to treasure the big things. The little things. The ordinary, everyday things. Things to keep me warm with rosy memories in my old age. When I get there. I do plan to get there.

Gettin’ scrappy

So here’s what I’ve been doing with a lot of my time recently. I haven’t used my sewing machine in YEARS, but I finally dug it out, got it serviced, and am USING it. Of course, not for what you’d think. But still. Creating. Learning. Enjoying.

I’ve never made a scrappy journal like this before and I absolutely love it. I don’t think it’ll replace the art journals, but I can see how great this type of journal will be for vacations – collecting little tidbits and memories.

I so enjoyed making it. I hope you enjoy taking a peek. BTW, the video is kinda long. I couldn’t figure out how to make it shorter without skipping pages. And we couldn’t do that now, could we?


My Scrappy Journal from Becky S. on Vimeo.

Not dead yet!

Just not a lot of writing going on.

What’s new with you?

Still artsy

Swirls

Surprisingly, there’s one “project” that I haven’t lost momentum on. Art journaling. Yes, I am still at it. In fact, I’m learning even more techniques, reading, and trying to grow. I got a few art journal/ mixed media art books for Christmas (I was saving for a Nook, but decided that some of these books would be more fun) and I’m gobbling them up.

I tend to flit from thing to thing. Sometimes I have great powers of concentration. I can focus on details or the big picture. Or both. But hobbies? I jump around a lot. I get really enthusiastic in the beginning, but it tapers off.

But I’ve written in journals since elementary school. Adding pictures, doodles, paint, collage … it has opened up a new arena of inspiration for me. There are times when I just write because I need a lot of blank paper to get my thoughts out. But other times, I enjoy adding a design element to it.

I really, REALLY enjoy it. I’ve had such a hard time finding things that I like over the last year. I’m still having some trouble finding direction, especially in my career. But at least there’s one little thing that is providing some enjoyment right now.

Looking back on 2009

I could have sworn I did this last year. Maybe I only saved the meme with plans to do it, who knows? Anyway, I originally saw it on All & Sundry and thought it might be fun to do & take some time to think about the past year.

1. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before? Worked for the entire year for myself (I’ve freelanced part-time for years, but this was the first full calendar year of freelancing full-time).

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I don’t really make resolutions, but I am looking at setting some actual goals for 2010. I’m a little tired of coasting.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? No, not anyone in my immediate circle of friends.

4. Did anyone close to you die? Yes, my uncle died around easter. My aunt died on New Year’s Day, but that’s technically 2010.

5. What countries did you visit? I stayed here in the US.

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009? A house.

7. What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? I hosted my first Thanksgiving – cooked the entire meal. In previous years, we’d always shared meal duties with friends. But this year it was just family, due to our friends being gone or having other obligations. It may be a small feat to some people, but it was a big deal to me to have my husband’s family gathered around.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? I wish I could say like I felt I’d accomplished something this past year.

9. What was your biggest failure? Gaining back all of the baby weight I had previously lost — & more.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Nope.

11. What was the best thing you bought? I don’t know. Maybe my Droid phone, because it was a tremendous help during our trip.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? My husband and daughter – they covered for me while I went to a work conference in Chicago. It was a nice break, something I really needed, even as I missed everyone.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? I can’t really think of anything right now, but I’m sure there’s something, somewhere that bugged me.

14. Where did most of your money go? Rent and COBRA.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Art journaling – it’s new to me & I am really enjoying it. I don’t know why I didn’t start this sooner.

16. What song will always remind you of 2009? Probably “Single Ladies” since it was everywhere you went, even though I don’t listen to a lot of radio anymore (no commute).

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

– happier or sadder? Meh.

– thinner or fatter? Fatter. Ugh.

– richer or poorer? Poorer. Double Ugh.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? Gotten on the floor & played with my son.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Worked so hard for so little money.

20. How did you spend Christmas? At my parents’ house, same as the last several years.

21. Did you fall in love in 2009? I’m already there. I love my family more than ever.

22. What was your favorite TV program? I watched a LOT of NCIS, but discovered Grey’s Anatomy, Castle, Lie to Me, & Leverage.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? No, still hating on the same person for, oh, about 6 years now. She’ll never be a part of our lives again.

24. What was the best book you read? The Time Traveler’s Wife.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery? Pomplamoose

26. What did you want and get by year’s end? A new cell phone

27. What did you want and not get by year’s end? A house

28. What was your favorite film of this year? I don’t even remember what I saw this year. I don’t get out a lot.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? Nothing. No money. I was 36.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Earning enough to get a house.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009? Finding things that fit my larger a$$.

32. What kept you sane? My husband giving me time to get out of the house by myself.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Nathan Fillion from Castle. Love the show & his character.

34. What political issue stirred you the most? I can’t stand politics. Truly.

35. Who did you miss? My best friend, who moved this year.

36. Who was the best new person you met? I met several amazing ladies via Twitter. And I’m so grateful for that.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009. Complaining does not equal change.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

“No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten”

–Unwritten by Natasha Bedingfield

Category: babbling  2 Comments

Book Review: Jesus Lives by Sarah Young

I recently took a look at a new devotional book, Jesus Lives by Sarah Young. This devotional is written as if Jesus is talking directly to you. The author includes Bible verses that support each devotional and they do fit right in with each theme. I even think she does a good job with her writing – it’s intimate, easy-to-read, and understandable….

The rest of this review is on my review blog.

Lost

Lost:

One sense of self-deprecating humor.

Lost:

The motivation to write anything entertaining.

Lost:

The will to continue writing.

Lost:

Any belief that what I’m doing is in the least bit interesting to pretty much anyone except my husband and parents. And I’m not even sure my husband reads anymore.

Lost:

The ability to care. I’m so tired of questioning myself about my site. Why can’t I connect with people via my blog? What am I doing wrong? Why can’t I be funny, or touching, or profound? Or… something.

I’m tired of questioning whether I’m any sort of writer (outside of business-y stuff) at all. I thought I was. Maybe I’m not. Maybe I never was.

There is actually such a thing as a free meal

Hey Southern California friends – want to win your entire Holiday Meal for free? Go and check out my review and giveaway from Golden Share Foods. Hurry, contest ends on December 4th!

Category: other writing  Tags: ,  2 Comments