misspriss.org

Oh, now we have even more AWESOME news. But I am taking a page from Heather’s “Be Ye Not So Stupid” maxim and won’t say much except the latest developments? Are EVEN BETTER than before. Um, yeah.

So since I can’t talk about that right now because, “Hi people from work!” I’ll come back later because I really want to talk about the Today Show’s total lack of understanding of moms and blogs. Surely you’ve already seen some of the convos about THAT.

I’m still struggling with the guilt over going back to work full-time. You see, my son has never spent time with anyone other than one of us. Never. He’s been around other people, but one of us has always been there. How am I going to just drop him off with someone at daycare? It all seems so sudden. I guess I should start during this month by dropping him off for a couple of hours just to get him used to it.

And just thinking about walking out the door without my baby? Still terrifies me. It has nothing to do with his wellbeing or safety. It has to do with my issues of letting go. Of not being there for him. I know I won’t always be there for him. But while he’s a baby, I feel I should. I want to. Heck, I need him more than he needs me.

Yesterday, I bought a couple of suits on sale. I’ve been needing to update my wardrobe. Some of my suits are, I’m ashamed to admit, ten years old. But today, buying those suits feels like an act of concession. It feels like I’m giving up. It feels wrong.

Read the rest of “getting over the guilt” »

The honeymoon is almost over. I have to go back to work full-time in about a month. I wasn’t planning this. I wanted to stay part-time so I could be home with my boy. But with budget cuts, there are no funds to find me a part-time position. And the job I have is full-time. Therefore, if I want to keep it, I must work that schedule.

I haven’t been able to stop crying tonight. Just writing that started the waterworks again.

You don’t have to tell me that it’s not the end of the world. My head knows this. But my heart is completely torn asunder. Instead of being away from him a few hours a day, a few days a week, I have to be away from him about 9 hours a day. That is a huge change for me. Someone else is going to get to see him crawl, hear his first words, watch him develop his new skills. Hopefully that will be Daddy most of the time. And that’s great for both of them. But what about me?

This is killing me right now. The guilt, the frustration, the utter anguish. I just have no choice, and that’s the part that gets me. We need the insurance. I have to do this. And I don’t want to. I don’t know how I’m going to do this.

How am I going to do this?

Have you seen that commercial for the cell phone with Meatloaf?

Hubby & I were watching TV the other night when it came on. I turned to him and asked, “When did Meatloaf get old?”

His response: “About the same time we did.”

Ouch.

Before the Wee One, my best friend used to tell me how much being a mom changes you. I only half believed her because I was already a mom. Sort of. That’s not to say step-moms are not moms. They are. It’s just different.

But then I had my own kid and my heart opened even further. I wish I had known how to open it like this sooner. Don’t misunderstand - I love my step-daughter. She is my kid as far as I’m concerned. But I wish I’d been more patient, more understanding. Because I feel more patient, calmer, and maybe just a tiny bit wiser. And I wish she’d gotten some of the benefit from this.

Even when I’m having a bad day, stressed to the core, I look at that little boy and things get better. I stop, and I smile at him to make sure he doesn’t just see a frowning mama all the time. I want him to remember joy from his childhood. A sense of well-being. Security.

Read the rest of “In the motherhood” »

I’m trying to get out of the house every day, or at least every other day. That probably doesn’t sound that hard to most people. But right now I work from home. And with an almost-5-month-old (!) to care for, it’s not easy for me to leave. Not without great effort.

Laugh at me if you will, but it’s still an ordeal to get out of the house. Even a walk around the neighborhood requires at least the baby stroller, my wallet, keys, cell phone, a binkie, and a burp cloth. And shades. And water. See how the list keeps growing?

But I am making the effort some days. Other days, for instance when he wakes up at 3 in the morning, I’m just too tired to do more than nap when he naps (and when I don’t have to work - I have a set schedule I must adhere to).

People tell you it’s important to get out of the house. And they’re right. It’s good for me to do more than sit all day long. And it’s good for the baby to see new things and get some fresh air. I think he gets bored when he’s in the bedroom/office all day long. Oh, I play with him, walk him around the apartment. But our place is tiny. There’s lots to look at, but he still needs some variety — even as he needs routine.

Read the rest of “get out (of the house)” »

My son is discovering his hands and it’s a fascinating experience. He gazes at them, turning them around, wiggling his fingers. You can almost see his mind working. “Wow, these are so cool! I didn’t know they’d do that. I wonder if they’ll fit in my mouth?” Everything that gets close to his face gets pushed towards his mouth. He doesn’t hit it every time, but he’s getting there.

His movements are getting better, although they are still a bit jerky. He waves his arms and manages to hit himself in the noggin half the time.

But his new favorite thing is the best part. He loves it. It’s bouncing. When he pushes against me with his feet, I use the momentum to lift him. Over and over. And over. He thinks it’s great and grins like crazy. I must get it on tape for his grandparents. It’s the cutest thing.

Read the rest of “baby, i’m amazed by you” »

We went from chilly days where I need a sweater and sometimes boots and jumped straight to shorts weather. What happened to spring, mother nature? What happened to those beautiful, just-right days where you can run around in capris and short sleeves until evening? Instead, I’m mopping my brow on the walk down to the coffee shop and back.

I want my money back, mother nature.

Here’s hoping some of those beautiful southern California spring days find their way back to our neck of the woods. I’ll feel cheated out of April and May without them.

And I can’t stop laughing.

Found over at Scalzi’s.

Between the new site design, new version of Wordpress, and finally getting my domain name pointing correctly after way too long, I believe that blogging is finally fun for me again. Yippee!

I’m really just a big dork and new toys are always great fun for me. Oh, look! Something shiny!

Yeah, it’s kinda bad. But at least this new toy is FREE!